PORTFOLIO

Every group argument, every unhappiness, greed, selfishness are exposed in this 6 months because of the single word above.

I have held it in. Every single time a person complains about it, I told myself, no. I'm not going to complain. This is what I've always wanted to do. I will do it well.

But now, it's official. I can't hold it in anymore.

PORTFOLIOSSS. I HATE YOU!!!!

I wanna throw a tantrum. Like the kid, one of my colleague's patient in the ward. I want to throw all the toys given to me. I wanna shout, scream and cry like a baby.

Sigh. The best I can get now is just to roll around my bed and scream and shout. I WANNA GO HOME!!!

Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I am just like everyone else now. Complain. Complain. Complain.

Portfolio I wanna ignore you now. I wanna watch my drama. BLEEEKKKKKKK. Don't wanna care about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:'(. I'm so gonna repeat another 6 months in Batu Pahat. Shit

The end of 2010

In less than a week, I would be saying goodbye to the year 2010!

Well.. this year have been a great year as usual. Though I had to say, crying episodes have increased.

I am at a changing point now where my location for the next 2-5 years would be roughly undecided.

Well, it was a mixture of extreme happiness and extreme sadness I would say I think. I had a superb Christmas, probably one of the best I have ever had :)..

This 2011, I wish I would be another year wiser. I may not be the best person in the world, but I want to do good and I hope I will.

I want to be happy, do things I love to do, and still maximize my time for beneficial things that is purposeful.

This point of time, is also the first time I am considering a non-surgical career. I was beginning to think I don't want to be married to my job. I remembered a pediatrician from Thomas Jefferson University that came to IMU. I was asking him about the lifestyle of his job and surgical stuff. I remembered vividly what he told me. He said," if you still want to be able to go skiing and jungle-trekking, this is the job for you. "

I want to go surfing. I want to go for a yoga retreat. I want to go scuba diving. I still want to teach music.

Maybe sometimes the most miniscule and insignificant reason for doing something would simply be the main reason why some people does things. Of course, considering the fact that I did not do well for my USMLE means I am probably not mentally capable of undertaking the mentally and physically challenging job?

Oh well.. I'll cross the bridge when I reach it.

Anyway, Happy 2011!!! :)

Predictable life

I wanna do something out of the ordinary. Before I surrender my 2 years of life to the ministry of health. I want to go Bali and surf again. It's been more than a year ago.. Am I still able to do it? I sure wish I can! and my sister would take a picture of me surfing towards the shore again..(Oopps she's halfway across the world.. sigh I miss her)

I guess it depends on my financial situation in April.

Gahhh I cannot believe I am pondering for so long over where to choose for Housemanship!! Sigh I've always make quick decisions. :(

Kl Hospitals

Pros

1. Able to stay home- also there's quite a few of them, sungai buloh, selayang, ummc, GH

2. Able to be in KL in case of any USMLE stuff that needs me to go to the embassy

3. Able to continue my music classes.( who knows? I mean, nobody thought that I'll still teach in my final 6 months right?)

4. Able to write the probable best management plan for the patient

5. Able to stay close to family right now as my sis is not here and I might be going away far and a long time

6. Personal reasons

7. Duh , im a city girl

Cons

1. Unable to do any procedure at all(then again, this is only what i've heard, maybe if im aggressive enough, I might be able to beg for 1 or 2)

2. Being a clerk. I would probably still be at the medical student level. May not be in part of the management plan at all.

Non- KL Hospitals

Pros

1. able to do more procedures

2. able to do more procedures

COns

1. conditioning to probable poor management

2. not staying home

3. can't teach anymore :(

4. list goes on and on

Sigh I guess the choice is obvious.

Guardian

I need to be my own guardian angel. :'(

Appreciation

I need to appreciate my slow bloody stupid bradycardic laptop

I need to appreciate my stupid slow phone

I need to appreciate my grandmother and enjoy the continuous non-stop nagging, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

can someone tell me I'm in denial and that my laptop is not working and gonna die soon, and that my stupid slow phone is becoming stupider by the day.

then tell me I need to buy one. Or even better, I need someone to give me one :D.

I kept having the urge of going to the maxis center and in BP mall and buy the god damn iphone4 and order a new macbook air.(that's the danger of having a credit card)

Sigh I am doing and thinking of every single thing in the world and not my school work or portfolio. Or the fact that I am behind my friends in a lot of area in studies and knowledge. Oh well. .. at least I am thinking about it right at this moment.

I need a break. Again.

Lovely weekend

My days are now just revolving around how I feel about you.

The long divali weekend was absolutely... GGRRREEAATTT.. it started great.. ended great...

Started with my on call... delivered one baby boy.. the next afternoon.. (Friday) I drove back to kl to fetch my baobei from the airport

We had a great dinner and a great evening. The only downside was that my mind was filled with images and thoughts and questions that I wasn't able to ask. I ran away. I walked and walked and walked.. That's my weakness. I always want to walk away and want to be found. Sigh. I really hope that I will not have to learn my lesson not walking away the hard way.

Thank you baobei for coming after me. Thank you for not letting me go.

Anyway..Saturday was the usual.. work, rock climbing, shopping.. had my baskin robbins ice cream(no jamoca almond fudge though:( had to take the pralines).

Shopping by myself had made me feel like myself again... :). Bought a book to read.. bought a journal to write in.. Ahh bliss...

After that.. the evening was just ..perfect..

it started with a lovely dinner at Chinoz on the park, KLCC, which in my opinion, was absolutely great. Ambience was perfect, Pizza was great too(only in my opinion :P) yummmmm

After that, we went for the concert, 'Sleeping Beauty' from the Bolshoi by the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra. It was absolutely great.. music was perfect, dancing was astonishing I have to say(I hadn't really seen a ballet performance before). My heart went out to all the ballet dancers' toes and knees. The whole concert was about 3 hours.

Happy sigh.. Thank you...

Neutral

Today I am feeling more neutral.

I have asked several questions that I wanted to ask but he was actually er.. drunk

I recalled the feeling that the initial stages of the relationship. When he first told me he loved me I had a real shock. For me, at that time, it was a bit too soon to fall in love. At that time, he was so protective and calling me and wanting to know where I am and where I was. It was something that comes naturally to him.

Now, I could feel those feeling waning. I don't know if it's me, or is it him. Maybe I have loved more and hence demanded more emotional security. But I am never like that. I have never felt afraid I would be left alone.

Now, it seems that calling me has become a chore. This was what I felt yesterday, however, today morning I felt better. Things that I have asked have been forgotten as well.

Yesterday, or should I say early this morning(post call), I recalled all the things he had did for me, how much tender loving care he has given me, how he would not be afraid of showing his affection for me, even in the public. I recalled the day in Singapore where we were in the restaurant and my feet was aching from all the walking, and he'll just massage my feet. I remembered the day we first met, and I remembered how insecure we both were at the initial stage. Then I remembered again, why did I fall in love with him.

So, for now I still want to be happy with him even though I am and will always be, his 2nd priority.

I'll just pray and hope that every time he's not there when I need him, I'll be stronger and wiser.

How many times can I take it?

How many stabs i need?

Browse the usual stuff on fb again

I think, Lingwei, it's time to wake up

You will never be worth it

No one's gonna do that for you. So.. just wake up

How badly you need to get hurt before you will realize?

the heart has been burnt, shred and broken into pieces.

Just stand up again with the broken heart.

please...

take... the pain away and let me sleep

please.. take the tears away and let me sleep

please... I don't have mental strength to remove these thought from my brain.. help me please.please

do not call..

Will tonight be the night to happen?

It's the birthday after all right?

Please don't shred my heart into pieces :'(.

Is it worth it?

Is a 2 hour of pure happiness worth the longing, the pain and the crying ? Tonight I am the one alone and crying at home by myself.

I wish, someone could take the pain away. I wish, someone would dry my tears.

Is it because I have been always lucky, that this time around I have to feel this way to pay back?

Maybe what I did is so wrong, and I deserve to feel this way.

I am scared and having palpitations now

How could I be so stupid?

And how could anyone barge into another person's personal life and check someone else's phone?

Heart over the mind or Mind over the heart

I know what I should do but I can't bring myself to do it.

I know continuing this would destroy a lot of hearts including mine but the sweetness of the current situation is just too irresistible.

I know, I shouldn't think too much. But every time my conscience kicks back, the guilt is just too strong.

Will you continue indulging in the chocolate when you know you'll be obese if you continue eating them. However the taste of it in your mouth is just so good that you don't know how is it gonna be possible cutting it out of your life.

I still want the chocolate :'(

I slept crying and woke up crying.

No matter how much a person did to show you how much they love you, if at some point you are just not the number 1 person in their heart it just doesn't matter I think.

My parents have always tried putting me at their number 1. And I do appreciate that.

Why am I so in love with someone who could let me feel this way? Who could let me hurt so much?

I want to love someone, who would do anything in the world, anything at all, and everything he can to stop me from feeling this way. Have some courage to fight for me. Sigh. My head hurts.

Pain

Pain, pain go away, come again another day. Pain, pain go away, come again another day.

我真的很辛苦

Q_Q

Sigh

I hate it when people kept complaining

I really, really hate it when my grandma kept complaining about how blurred her vision is, how bad her headache is, how unfortunate she is.

I just wanna shake her and said, grandma! you have a good life now. Do you know how many people out there are in more pain than you are? She is on a very good treatment for her Rheumatoid Arthritis now and she just decides to skip it when she's vegetarian. Sigh. There are so many other people who needs it too. But what can I do? She's my grandma.

Sigh. I hate myself for saying that. The pain is probably so real. but the way it's being put into my face every single day really drives me crazy. And the food. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE i will be asked to take something to eat. After I have sat down comfortably in front of the TV. Even dinner. I don't have the freedom of taking what I wanna eat anymore. I have resorted to just ignoring her, because declining her every single time is just too tiring and I need to shout(she's pretty deaf now). And now, I can see the disapproving look from my grand aunt because I ignored my grandma. I couldn't understand. Why am I being commanded to take fish for my grandma? She is very able to take it herself. If you were to keep doing it for her, one day she'll forget how. I just, I can't act like I want to be a good granddaughter in front of someone. I want to be a good granddaughter to my grandma genuinely. Listen to all her stories, talk to her, take her out for a walk outside the housing compound. Now I can't even do that because of the fear that I would be shoved with food(literally) as she literally shoves the food, whatever that's within her reach. And then, she'll say things like, I have purposely kept this for you to eat.. you know. Initially I felt bad, and now.. I just feel numb.

I know right now, as you're reading through my blog, you'll think I'm a huge hypocrite. And I am who I hate. I should be grateful to be living with my grandparents. I want to be grateful. Really. Every morning, I wake up and told myself, okay I won't get angry with my grandma. And then moment I'm downstairs, I'm stressed again. It's just so hard to follow the 90/10 rule I have mentioned in my previous blog!

I hate to be someone I hate. I hate to have that feeling, why don't I just move out? It's just sometimes, all the nagging washed out all the luxuries I had, eg: free laundry, free home-cooked food, beautiful furnished room, pocket money from grandpa.

Just knock some gratefulness in my head.

pessimists, optimists and opportunists

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill (in case there's someone out there who doesn't know who he was... British Orator, Author and Prime Minister during World War II. 1874-1965)

On being told he's a hopeless drunk, he's said to have retorted “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

And to Lady Nancy Astor....
she said: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
he said: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

All Rights Reserved © 2008 EL (e_digitalis)

Cynthia,

Be Strong and don't cry. Everything that breaks your heart and soul will make you a stronger person. Seem to have that happening a lot lately.

I Am Woman

-Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467
-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton


I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Emotionally traumatized

I was sitting at the front as usual and we are having our psychiatry portfolio presentations last Monday.

I had to present the last because my name is the last at the list. So I was just listening to the other 19 people present, checked my phone occasionally and stuff. Others were typing and doing their own portfolio.

When it was finally my turn, which was way after lunch by the way, the lecturer asked me, why are you sitting in front and presenting the last? What's your problem? I had a bit of a shock. Okay, he doesn't like me. So I had to say, well my name is last on the list and that is my usual seat. So he said, oh, why are you all so rigid?

Right. I know he's tired. But I figured it wouldn't take too long. My presentations have always been short and have NEVER been too long. Trust me.

I just presented a few lines. And he gave me a diagnosis that I have never even dreamt about. Sigh. (Definitely failed psychiatry miserably). Then he just started giving me learning issues.

I tried not to think about it and try to brush the thoughts of.

Today, me and some of my colleagues had the discussion again. And guess what, some of my colleagues were shock to hear what he said to me as well.

Looks like, I wasn't that sensitive after all :D. That made my day.

Thank you..

Thank you for waking up early in the day just to text me...

Thank you for getting the biscuits for me...

Thank you for picking me up, for buying me dinner...

Thank you for the love you have showered me...

Thank you for coming into my life.

Boyfriend? Secrets?

You know sometimes when you're in a relationship, you wanna know every single thing about your partner. Not that you're stalking or being possessive, I guess it's just the love that make you wanna know everything about the other part of you. As far as I know and remember, I have never kept any secrets, I have answered all questions.

Of course, I understand that other people might want to keep certain details to themselves. I guess everyone has a different issue that they would like to keep to themselves.

Sigh, but when you know blatantly that something is being kept from you.. plus there were so many other things that can be told be needs to be delayed... It just made me confused.

I guess what I've said previously holds true.. love can only be showed by actions and not words.

Being a good person.

Being a good person to me is someone who does not harm anyone, does not hurt anyone else in their own expense.

Every morning as I wake up, I have a sense of heaviness and a bit of dread as I would try to quickly get downstairs to prepare my own breakfast to go to school in order to avoid my grandmother.

Why?

Because she nags. I would be asked to take this and that and that and this to school, I will be asked to do this and that, take this and that, help her to take this and that.. the list in endless, eat this and that.

I know. I should be grateful that I am staying at home with my grandparents. I don't have to pay any rent. I don't have to look for dinner.

I know. That my grandmother does not have anyone to talk to. So she tries to get me to do this and that for her.

I know. I am not supposed to be irritated. But I feel so helpless, I can't ignore her. I tried to talk to her but she can't really hear, and her hearing aid is not working properly anymore.

I know she is trying to be helpful but it had done the opposite for me. Sigh.

I know I am a bad person for being irritated.

I wish I didn't have to feel irritated. At least I could still complain to my mom and my boyfriend. My grandma does not have anyone to complain to.

I should be grateful

I hate you glowing wine.

I HATE YOU!!! :'(

Don't send another text. Don't send another text. Don't send another text. How come I don't know you're going to another city?

Then I do not need to actually announce that I am going to another hospital too right? Not necessary to report things anymore right?

Ok then I am going out. Whatever. Hate myself for being an idiot, drama queen and clingy bimbo. HATE MYSELF, HATE MYSELF! do something more useful with your life you stupid nerd. Stop wasting time thinking about things or people that aren't meant to be yours and spend all energy worrying about it too.

Am just glad I took my time showering and my yoga. If I were to have rushed, I would have been even more disappointed. So, girl, you are learning fast to detach yourself. Good. Avoid getting attached to people who only say but don't show.

Another day...

Woke up groggily this morning remembering I have to go on the SPA interview. Have picked up what I wanna wear the night before as everyone has told to dress conservatively(not that I don't, it's just that my conservative standard has never been appropriate =.=).

Was very tired in the morning from all the crying and stuff. Anyway it started out great. Had a lovely text msg.

I registered myself, had a chit-chat with the person who registered me.. then later on, wait for my turn to go for the interview.

After a while, the lady who registered me told me I had to wear a suit, because I am supposed to wear a three piece if I wore pants. PLUS, my shirt is too skin tight apparently. =.='

Sigh, after that there was a big hu-ha, I had to borrow C's suit and everything, but at the end I did not because our interview started at the same time.

The interviewer asked me several interesting questions, some stuff about music, some stuff about school.

the only 2 questions I wasn't able to answer was who's the surgeon who operated on the first heart surgery in Malaysia. And the other, who is Idris Jalil.

Anyway, I was just being commented that I need to know how to dress properly.

It was another crying day too..

He has told me that he just wants to keep silent till saturday when he comes back.

I don't know how I kept a straight face in class. I just had to go to the toilet.

This whole string of sms actually came about because he has misunderstood me at the very initial part and I have just come to realize it now.

Anyway, words have been said and hearts have been shattered. Does being wearied by all these means that you are not being loved so much anymore?

Or is it a warning sign telling you not to love so much? Otherwise you will be in the danger of being left alone and being annoyed at.

Bathroom

Just when I am about to go shower, after endless crying, the temporary maid used the bathroom. How lucky am I ?

Am I gonna cry till the headache comes? Oh it already did.

OCD

I am sorry. I called. Sorry. Sorry. Don't call again. Don't call again Cynthia. Don't call again. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't

Don't call Don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text

STOP WAITING

Dial is either out of coverage, or unattended. Please try your call again later.

Now I actually become afraid when there's a ringtone.

I left my phone and went for shower hoping that there will be a text msg for me or a missed call.

Still nothing.

He won't call back. You know he won't. Stop making yourself so pathetic by hoping and wishing and waiting.

Another Sad Day.

I hate calling a phone that is switched off.

I hate the temporary maid

I hate myself.

Today started out okay. I was feeling optimistic.. Today is a blood taking day. Am not a vampire, just taking blood for sampling from the patients and I am on duty today. It has been pretty good, learned some tricks how to get blood from difficult patients. Was in a pretty positive mood.

Went back to the ward later on to attend class. Found out my patient is still there, becoming more jaundiced and abdomen was more distended, told my lecturer about it and was informed what are the possible things to do for him. After that, I even told the houseman what I know so that I could at least do my best to help this boy. I do hope he gets well.

Lunch was ok. After that, I happily went and picked up a present I had gotten for someone, was really happy about it. It is always nice to give something. At least there's a happy part in my day today in my personal life. Of course the whole day was filled with me sending multiple text message - 13 in total. Total sms received? -5.

I am becoming a loser. I am becoming someone who's able to talk nonstop even though there's no response. I am becoming a person who is able to talk to a wall.

Oh I even forgot to mention 6 phone calls. 1 answered, but was responded by not an apology, but a description of what I like to complain about. Others, phone was turned off. Since when have I become so thick skinned?

Sometimes, I wish when I am drowning with information in class, I will not be able to think about other things. Unfortunately it did not work out that way. While I am still in class learning ECG(something that I am always unable to interpret) I kept thinking what could be going wrong. At the end, I decided to try my luck to call even though I did not receive any message still, call was answered and I was being hammered by complaining on my blog. I couldn't listen anymore hence I hanged up.

I seem to be getting the knack of crying in the car, in the room and in the toilet. I have finished 2 boxes of tissue papers just from crying.

I have become a depressed person. I have become a person who keeps waiting for someone, who isn't gonna care even if I die right this second, to call me, or to at least text me back.

Is all of this worth it? I know I have been complaining a lot.

There's a phrase. If you're fat, go on a diet. If you're unhappy with a relationship leave it.

I am fat but I am unable to go on a diet because I love food too much. I am frequently unhappy but I can't bear to leave the relationship because I love too much.

So?

I have to exercise more. I have to swallow the pain, and act happy.

Since when have I become this pathetic woman? My mind can't stop thinking about this. I have always sneered and looked down upon people who can wait endless hours for someone to call.

I have always been the one who's being called. I have always been the one who ignores calls and sms. I have always been the one who's too busy, too busy chasing her dreams, too busy worrying about students, and worrying about making a name for myself.

Now, I am the one who has to call. I am the one who is being ignored. I am the one who is waiting for someone to be less busy. My dreams are still hazy. My students are fine right now. I am not making a name for myself because I am worrying about other things.

Where is the Glowing Wine that I have known so well before? The independent glowing wine that is independent, no time for crying, no time for sensitive people? What happened to her?

Knife inserted through the chest

After almost an hour of waiting. I have only receive one text msg.

I have decided that he may not have enough credit, and I have loaded my credit again just so i could call.

Guess what, phone is turned off. Already went to sleep. :O.

I know I won't be able to sleep well tonight.

My heart is becoming so fragile. I have became sensitive and was probably infected by someone else who's apparently sensitive himself.

I want to make it all better by hoping that I could erase the memory of those words he said. And just hope there's a happy ending to this day which had started out really great. That is why I purposely load the credit and tried to call again. Turns out, I was the only one who's trying.

Hurt...

It's amazing how something that is said so simply could turn your whole happy day around.

Am back home late due to late bus and everything and I don't even complain much about it. All I complain about is being fat and now I can't even complain about that anymore :(. Shall I just complain to the wall?

It's amazing how motivated you are to go home, call someone and feel happy and then start doing all the non-ending things to do on the list.

But just because of something that is simply said as a joke, it feels like all the energy is sucked out of your soul. Nothing you think or say or do can change it.

Can't shower.

Can't remove my contact lens

Can't move.

All I can do is hope that he'll call back and apologize again even though he already did.

5 minutes have passed.. still nothing. No text. No call. Credit balance: RM 2.22. Every call costs almost RM 7. And within 4 weeks I have spent 4 times the normal amount that I usually spend. Sigh.

Why is complaining so wrong? I wanna complain that I sometimes do not have enough money because I overspent a bit in that month. My mom have never scold me for complaining. She complains, I complain too.. We share our worries and complaints. Complaining and sharing something is half the burden, sharing a happiness is twice the happiness.

So..Why am I being reprimanded for complaining that I am fat? That's what all girls complain about anyway.

I don't understand. In fact it is not even the first time, yet I kept making the same mistake of complaining to the same person over and over again.

5 more minutes have passed and yet still no reply after 4 long sms.

Just half an hour ago, I was so happy thinking about next Saturday and deciding what to wear and stuff. I was so excited and I have even purchased the ticket to go home on Friday next week.

But right now all I can feel is disappointment.

I am grateful that I still have this blog to complain to and have tears that I can shed.

In a Relationship...

The best part about being in a great relationship is when he knows the exact best thing to say when you're down. :). I love you babe

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have been like this for the past few months. I am always at my lowest when I am alone.

Sometimes I wish I have better control of my feelings.

I have always love myself more than anything else.

But these few months, my love for myself has reduced and is being transferred to someone else.

So much that it occupies every inch of my mind and soul.

This is the first time ever that I kept thinking and trying and hoping

even imagining what would it be like to fit that into my future.

Will we still be in love after 10 years?

Is there a chance that we will be like any couple to grow old happily together?

I can't help but hoping that I can use all my wishes in my life to make that come true.

A feeling

I have a feeling.. that whoever I love will never belong to me.

i hate my mood swings.

I am upset

I can't sleep

I can't do my portfolio

I can't do my cfcs report

Words are easier said than done...

I was very fascinated and intrigued about the 90/10 rule when I first saw the video during my internal medicine class. I was amazed at how similar the main actor is with my dad and how similar it is to my own life and my own reactions at times.

I also came to realize how wise my mom is. Most rules stated there is always being said by my mom. Hehe my mom is as good as Stephen Covey!

I am now reflecting upon how much hatred and anger I have had since yesterday morning. It was all about my hair.

I hate it.

There I go again

I was very extremely irritated with the hairstylist that has totally ruined my hair that I have tried so carefully to take care of the past few years, and the amount of money I have spent on my hair as well. Sigh. Feeling angry doesn't help. Then again I can't control my mind.

I have been always so happy about my hair

Until yesterday.

Am a huge bimbo I know but... horrible looking hair shatters my confidence and put me in a foul mood.

I MUST fix it this Sunday.

90 10 Principle

90/10 Principle

Just a recap of the video....

90/10 Rules for all your happiness, prosperity and longeivity

Discover the 90/10 Secret: It will change your life

The 90/10 secret is incredible! Very few know and apply this secret. The result? Millions of people are suffering undeserved stress, trials, problems, and heartache. They never seem to be a success in life. Bad days follow bad days. Terrible things seem to be constantly happening.

Theirs is a life of constant stress, lack of joy, and broken relationships. Worry consumes time, anger breaks friendships, and life seems dreary and is not
enjoyed to the fullest. Friends are lost. Life is a bore and often seems cruel. Does this describe you? If so, do not be discouraged.

You can be different!. Understand and apply the 90/10 secret. It will change your life!

What is this secret? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane may be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the
other 90%!

How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light, but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you, YOU can control how you react!

Let's use an example. You're eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup
of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react. You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the coffee cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your wife and criticize her for placing the cup to close to the edge of the table. An exchange of verbal abuse follows. You storm upstairs and angrily change your shirt. Back downstairs you find your daughter has been too busy crying in hurt to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your wife leaves immediately for work, upset and angry.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to
school. Because you are late, you furiously drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15 minute delay and throwing $60 (traffic fine) away, you
arrive at school. Your daughter runs to the building without saying good-bye.

After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to going home. When you arrive home you find damage and hurt in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.

Why? All because of how you chose to react in the morning.

Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the Policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?

The honest answer of course, is D. You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds, which was entirely under your control, is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is feeling apologetic and sorry. You gently say with a smile, "It's OK honey, I know you didn't mean it."

Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase. You come back down in time look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You and your spouse kiss before you both go to work. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good of day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you CHOOSE to react. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your own free will.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 secret. If someone says something negative about you, let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out, ruining relationships, etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you loose your temper? Pound the steering wheel? (A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off!) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? Who cares if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the blue car ruin your drive. Remember the 90-10 principle, and do not worry
about it!

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep or get irritated? It will work out. Use your "worrying" energy and time into finding another job.

The plane is late. It is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over
what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger, etc. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.

You now know the 90-10 secret. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results.

Mosquitoes..

You have been disturbing my sleep for the past 4 days

You have been distorting my skin and causing much trauma to me due to the itchiness

I STILL CAN'T FIND YOU!!!

I will come back next week with a mosquito coil!!! HAH!

Patience....

I was reading about asthma and thinking about how bad the control of asthma is amongst ladies in their 50s. (I am currently in the female medical ward in B.P. Hospital, oh and by the way, I have passed my End of Semester 9!! Another step closing to achieving a small part of my dream :) )

Anyways, patients can be amazing people. When being asked about usage of inhalers, patient says, " Ahhh, tak pandai guna lah, makan ubat sajalah..". When being asked why didn't the doctor taught her the method, she said it's just that she's unable to use it, not the doctors problem. This happened twice on my 2nd day in the female medical ward! :O. Sigh, I am wondering at this point of time, do we blame the patient for not taking the initiative to care for their own health? Would explaining the detrimental effects of poor asthma control enough to shake them out of their comfortable position now?

This thoughts went in circles and has extracted another incident I remembered from a year ago when I was following a doctor in the Orthopedic Clinic. We were looking at an MRI of a patient's thigh(Can't remember the exact location or which side now). There was a huge rhabdomyosarcoma(tumor) on the anterior aspect of the thigh. So huge that it was amazingly scary. We were all stunned and was waiting to meet this patient.

Patient, an Indian(not being racist, just trying to illustrate how the man looks like :) ), middle-aged man came barging in. Apparently he has been waiting a long, long long time. Probably 2 hours. (Then again, which patient doesn't wait?- patient who are dying in the next 5 minutes). Our doctor was not a very patient person as well, there was a bit of a dispute between both of them.

Anyway, the patient was partially calm from the waiting, and hence the diagnosis was revealed and he was told that he needs to go to KL for a biopsy for further aggressive treatment blah blah. Basically to make the long story short, he became angry again because he thinks that the doctor is pushing him around and trying to delay things. ( Defense mechanism probably)

Then....

the patient walked out.

The 5 medical students, the specialist, the nurse, all had opened mouth and was in shock. One of us tried to chase the patient back but he walked too fast.

Let's just see here what had the patient misunderstood

1. Patient was thinking that the doctor was doing the work slowly and hence he had to wait long. (by the way, there are a couple of people I know who are so impatient that they can't wait and they have this thinking that everyone is lazing around. The fact is, the doctor was examining the patients so fast that we all weren't even able to write down everything or remember anything. It was in blur)

2. Patient thought that the doctor was trying to push him around. The fact is, the specialist was already a very good surgeon, but he called his colleague whom he knows specialized in this type of surgery to free up his time so he can operate on this patient, and called another surgeon that is good to do the biopsy to prevent seedling of the tumor. All on his own phone! All these happened prior to the patient coming in. Which also resulted in the delay of seeing the patient.

Now, we have no idea of the whereabouts of the patient.

Who is at the losing end here?

The thing is, I know waiting for a long time is a pain. (I have waited almost 2 hours to see the skin doctor, and it's all because they couldn't find my appointment card). Even though it is irritating to see nurses and hospital staffs walking around relaxing and doing their work slowly, we need to understand that the work their doing cannot be rushed as mistakes can happen. Healthcare providers needs to pause and think too.

If giving the staff at the counter a hard time is not going to make a difference, why bother scolding and increasing our risk of getting a heart attack? Give people the benefit of the doubt. It can do you good :).

Yay!

I've gotten a text message! :D

Missing you...

I am missing you very much.. but I can't text nor call, I can't receive any text nor any call..

Sigh.

Counting down to Sunday 4 pm. 42 hours more to go.

Exams...

2 parts of the exams are over... two more big parts to go which are the OSCE(Objective Structural Clinical Examinations).

The next 5 days would be filled with practicing, practicing and practicing!

Today's exam was okay I guess.. totally screwed up the biostatistics question.. I did not have time at all to complete that. The others were just so-so okay I guess.. I just hope that it's enough to pass properly.

Am pretty excited for the exams to be over. I want to spend more time with my boyfriend, and can't wait to go for the holiday in Manila!! I can't stop thinking about how many places I am gonna go visit and how much shopping I'll do! Can't wait for the exams to be over honestly. I wanna go for pedicure, movies, bowling, karaoke, watch something from MPO, maybe some climbing, sight seeing, shopping and lazing around.. can't wait can't wait..

And I just saw him 9 hours ago, and I already miss him so much. Can't wait to see him on Sunday. Heheh. I should get back to studying for OSCE.

Depression

I am so freakin depressed and it is not even because of exams. I am depressed with what's been happening around and how erratic some people's behavior can be. Hate them sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I can just erase those unpleasant thoughts in just one exhalation of yoga breath.

Beautiful imperfections in life

Regardless of all the imperfections in the past and the present, it is the beautiful small things you do that make it count. Small things like: me waking up to a wonderful aroma of coffee and curry chicken bread, a great wonderful massage, a phone set nicely next to the bed without the cover to make sure I wake up and not be late, being conscious of your image while going out with me, travelling almost 2 hours a day just to see me, the chocolates, and cakes. hmmm... Blissful

Ethical Issue

Today was a very extremely disappointing day. The story begins this way....

Last Thursday I was at the PD clinic following our IMU lecturer in the outpatient clinic. I was supposed to take a history from a couple of patients and present them to the lecturer as usual. I remember vividly that the staff nurse practically forced me to go out and clerk this new case even though I wanted to listen and observe Dr. S's teaching and counselling. It was a blessing in disguise. I talked to the patient. And she had prolonged and heavy menses and she had a mass in her abdomen. She was referred from the Klinik Kesihatan.

Anyway, after Dr. S examined her, we could not come to a conclusion. Not even after examining and not after ultrasound. The mass was so big it covered her entire abdomen and patient was of course worried.

After that, Dr. S wanted to refer her immediately to HTJ and she knew that they won't admit her without a CT scan. A CT scan appointment in PD would take months to get. Hence she had decided to call the Head of Department in HTJ to make sure the patient gets an admission on that day itself and hopefully a CT scan straight away. This was all done as the situation was really urgent.

What had disappointed me was, when the patient was admitted, she was in the hospital for 3 days, blood was transfused, no CT scan was done. Patient know nothing about her condition.

She was again admitted on the following Thursday. Only the next morning she would have her CT done. At that time, the mass had doubled in size. CT scan showed that the mass has spread to the lungs. Again the patient was not told what had happened. Then my lecturer came about and questioned the doctors in the hospital on what they were doing and I am under the impression that she would be operated on immediately and probably chemo for her metastasis. That day after all the doctors discussed in front of the patient without even acknowledging her, the patient called me and ask me what was happening. I explained to her that I may not be the best person to tell her but she insisted, so i told her that it doesn't look good and the cancer has spread to the lungs. she was calm, she said she'll fight it, and operate and she is willing to try. I was amazed by her optimism and hoped that evening the doctors would quickly devise a good management for her.

The next morning, to my horror, the patient was not there anymore. Apparently she was discharged and would be seen the next week in the outpatient clinic. And no doctors went to tell the patient what was going on. And she is being pushed to the other department. Even though a management plan has been suggested.

I understand that the specialist in charge was being squashed by two big heads. I am disappointed that because of the squabbling between this 2 big heads, decision cannot be properly made and the patient was being pushed to another department.

This is how sad things can be.

Heartbroken

I can see it coming. In 2 weeks time, I think my heart would be smashed and broken into pieces again.

How many times I have to remind myself not to fall in love too hard?

I almost cannot believe that I'll fall for somebody right for me anymore.

Drinking

Does drinking solves all problems? If you have a fight with your girlfriend, but then she fell sick, will you still go and see her? Instead of going to have a drink with your buddies?

That just shows you do not have any self control over your feelings. Things doesn't get solved by drinking. It is only burried between hatred. Sometimes there are things that cannot be left over night. Just like a bleeding ectopic pregnancy.

Drained

You can feel drained about anything and just stare at your laptop and not doing anything productive.

Relationships are draining

Rotations you like are physically draining but not mentally draining.

Then again, relationships can drain all the happiness achieved from a busy but enjoyable rotation.

Today was supposed to be the happiest day ever with all the things I did. But it is not.

Missing someone.....

I miss a person but i can't text nor call. Patience is virtue i guess..

Marriage

Lots of my colleagues, friends has been discussing this topic non-stop lately. It's like the only thing we ever actually talked about apart from how little time we have left to study for our finals. It is becoming the hottest topic second to the world cup of course.

Being in medical school and graduating as a doctor seem to be perceived by many that you will not have time to do any other things, let alone be in a relationship. Now, being in the final year, a lot of my colleagues seem to be planning their life around searching a life partner and wanting to settle down. Even though their still single. (o.o isn't it a plan that you are supposed to make with your partner??, how can you plan without having a bf/gf yet??).

I know, the perfect plan will be, get a bf/gf now, be in a relationship for the next 5 years (I am 24 now by the way), then get married, then have a baby right before the age of 30.

I felt that this is a very extremely unfair rule to women. I don't blame my friends for wanting to plan ahead, and to have a baby before 30. That would be an ideal plan if you want to have a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby and a smooth labor.

But what about love? What if, when you are 29, you are with a guy that you weren't sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with him? What if, you are with a guy who doesn't want to be committed? Or with a guy who marries you because he felt that it's the right time due to the age factor?

What about our dreams? Things we want to pursue in our carrier? Sigh.

I just hope that, in the future, if I ever do get married, it has to be for the right reason. And not because I am 29.9 years old.

Oh and I would like to congratulate those couples who have already made plans to tie the knot. :D. Be grateful and always appreciate what you have.

p/s: I am still single and happy :D

Vulnerability

Today I had let myself feel hurt when my sms is not being replied. I had told myself and prepare myself to not let myself be in this situation. Looks like my self pep talk has failed. I totally deserved to feel this way by the way.

I have allowed myself to be vulnerable physically and emotionally. I have also allowed myself to completely distrust marriage.

I have heard some very disturbing news about a lecturer that I have respected for many years now. And this was from a close friend of mine.

The very first time I heard about this news, I was mildly surprised, and I was a bit unhappy with my friend honestly speaking.

Number 1: My friend does not know whether or not it is true even though she insisted that she is sure

Number 2: That lecturer has been really kind to us, has helped us throughout our tough journey in medical school, and has definitely saved many patient's life

Number 3: Even if the rumor does have some truth in it, it has nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Rumors are spread because there are audience who crave and listen to this type of news. Sad to say, Malaysians and IMU students are these audience.

What the lecturer does, whatever his needs is, does not affect his medical opinion, knowledge and his passion towards teaching and his patients. I honestly don't see what the big hu-ha is about and why do I need to be cornered by other fellow lecturers to confirm the details of it.

It is just like the not-so-recent happenings in the politics. What does anything that is done in his/her personal life has anything to do with work? If these rumors aren't encouraged, it would have just been a personal problem and not a national problem.

I would just like to urge everyone, rumors like this are meant to be listened and forgotten. If we are still just focusing our time, effort and brain cells thinking about rumors, we'll never progress further in other bigger and more important things. Then healthcare system will just be stagnant and ONE clinic will prevail.

Recent Happenings...

Many things have been happening these days. I hadn't been doing things that I used to believe that is morally correct. This is how pathetic I was.

Anyway, back to the recent happenings, I am now in my Medical Rotation. Can't say that I love it too much, but it was great and I definitely realized that surgery is the only thing that I would want to do. :D

In less than 2 months, I will be sitting for my End of Semester 9 exam. I hadn't revised any of the minor postings. Past year questions are being done really slowly due to my own procrastination.

I am more than halfway through my Semester 9 and I hadn't completed even 1/10 of the stuff I am supposed to cover for the USMLE(United States Medical Licensing Examination). That's how pathetic I am and how procrastination is killing me.

I have been swimming religiously and am really happy to say that, I can officially swim breast stroke and free style without anymore difficulty. Butterfly still takes up a lot of my arm strength and I hadn't learn backstroke. Am really happy with this improvement.. Just a bit disappointed that swimming doesn't help prevent osteoporosis. Which brings me to the yoga topic. I have been slacking in my Yoga. Now, after every Monday of the week when I did 10 Ashtanga Sun Salutation, I would experience extreme muscle ache on my back, shoulders and arms. I seriously need to get back to my routine.

The Life of an Unpredicted

I grew up watching the Hong Kong drama series. I remembered those days where my whole family would sit at 6 pm in the evening, watch 2 dramas for 2 hours and then have our dinner together. I remembered thinking about the dramas and discussing what's gonna happen next over dinner. At that time, I have always imagined, these are dramas. It'll probably not happen to me. Then again, when you see a couple in love on the dramas, there's always this wishful thinking hoping that it would happen to you too.

I have always known what is the right and wrong thing to do. Thanks to my parents who always gave me a hard time when I am about to do something wrong or already did something wrong. Then again, I guess sometimes certain things are meant to be done wrong. Never in my right mind have I ever thought that I would be drowning in this situation. It's like taking ice when you know how wrong it is when you are conscious. When you're intoxicated, you still continue even though the images of the consequence flashes in your mind. When you're back sober again, you remembered the great feeling that cancels out all the wrongs. Sigh.

Sorry for the lousy metaphor. I hadn't taken ice before so I don't really know what it feels like :P.

Semester Break

The past 3 weeks could have been the most unpredictable week of my life. Peds exam was okay.. Totally thought that I was going to fail because I have totally slacked and I have realized that zero information was stuck in my head after all the reading. Sad Huh. My pediatrics really sucked. Big time.

Hadn't been practicing yoga for a long, long time. I guess the true obstacle of the yoga practice has come, and I need to overcome it.

There's just so much to do during this holidays, which is ending soon by the way. And I am just so lazy. And so not motivated. Not to mention I hadn't finished any of the USMLE work. AT ALL. So many work pending but I am still slacking. Yet I felt so happy.

I have gone crazy I think :D

Karma

I have always believed in karma. I believe that, if you treat someone badly, for no specific reason, someone else will treat you bad.

I am talking about karma now because I am bored. Bored. BORED.

But I am not supposed to! Am in Pediatrics now and it is supposed to be one of my favorite rotations. Unfortunately, I did absolutely zero studying. I only like to play with the babies and kids. My brain is empty and all I can think about is, why am I not out on a date with somebody that I like???

The thing is, it's not like I have a lot of free time on my hands. I still have tons of stuff to study(which I kept putting off), I still have to submit my manuscript(which has zero progress), I am supposed to study for my USMLE(which I totally have zero confidence in), and I still have to work blah blah blah. There. Am complaining a whole lot again.

Back to the dating topic. Yes. I am desperate. Months ago, I had wished that someone would ask me out, and just have a good time.

Unfortunately... their behavior irked me. I know, I know. I am probably too fussy, but I can't go out with someone who kept repeating bad jokes that only they think is funny. Seriously. And I have to send heartbreaking sms that unfortunately, the person on the other side totally did not get. =.='

Anyhow, because of all the weird happenings around me recently, I have decided to take matters in my own hands and ask someone out. I thought karma is gonna say hello to me as I have turned down some fella's request.

Apparently not.

Sigh.

I should just chill and enjoy myself.

End of surgery...

Surgical rotation is over!! :'(. Am a bit unhappy.. I really enjoyed the surgical rotation, loved every minute of it and the pain in my calf and ache in my feet was PLEASURABLE! that just shows that, no matter how tired you are, if you are doing something you love, it is definitely worth it.

All in all, it was a great rotation. The only downside of it is when I hear people complaining endlessly how tired they are, how much sleep they lacked, how hungry and how much they need to pee. I just can't stand people complaining about stuff that everyone is going through. I mean, I am guilty of always complaining about stuff, but i just felt this is something I have chosen to do. I'll have to do it whether or not i like it. Why not just try to enjoy while you are at it rather than complaining endlessly about stuff?

Anyway, I learnt a lot and exams are over.:)

Of course, the pain from the break up is still there. Initially my dreams are all about the lifestyle I used to have, having breakfast together, going for movies. Every morning I woke up feeling happy, then after being awake for 5 seconds, I had to remind myself, we're not together anymore. Every corner I stand, I remembered the conversation we had, remembered what he said. Gosh we have been to almost every corner around the place!

Anyway, the dreams have been taking a good turn. I have been dreaming about us fighting. Hopefully I'll be able to move on to acceptance phase soon. Don't wanna spend more time brooding over this but i do know I need time, and there really isn't any need to rush and shut out everything at once.

Of course, ego boosters every now and then definitely won't hurt. There's always one everyday that really makes my day. Whether or not it's a true compliment, it always makes me happy. :D

I wish...

Sometimes I wish the world isn't such a dangerous place. I was on my way home from covering wards(I am supposed to know what is happening to the patients that I am responsible of in the surgical ward). As I came to a stop at the traffic light, I saw a bunch of people and a motorbike lying on the ground.

I was like, damn accident, and I saw a person limping. Immediately I was relieved. Okay. No one's head got crushed.

Right now as I am pondering about this from home. I wondered what took me so long for me to come down from the car to help.

1. It was a whole bunch of man (I am kinda afraid)

2. It was in the middle of a huge junction(Am kinda kinda afraid)

3. Lotsa people, i don't know if it was a real accident or is it a made up one that my parents always told me, ones that tricked you and make you come out of your car.

After the green light came on, I can't move. Then it was red light. I was still thinking. I was able to make out that the victim seem like a chinese guy and people surrounding him were malays and indian. I was definitely afraid there was communication break down, and it doesn't seem like anyone is trying to bring him to the hospital.

At the end, the green light came on again. I went to the guy. Asked if anyone called the ambulance. He seemed fine, was talking. He was able to walk but there was a huge wound on his left lower shin that definitely needs suturing. At the end, some people helped him into my car, and I brought him to the hospital.

I hate the fact that no one even considered to call to bring him to the hospital.

I hate the fact that it was a hit and run.

I hate the fact that I had to ponder so long due to my own insecurity and fear.

I wish the world is a safe place where I can just come out of my car and help someone without the fear of being tricked.

Most of all, I wish there were no accidents.

曹格 - 新不了情

心若倦了,
xin ruo juan le
If your heart is weary,
泪也乾了,
lei ye gan le
And your tears are all dried up.
这份心情,
zhe fen xin qing
This feeling,
难舍难了。
nan she nan liao
Is hard to relinquish or forget.

曾经拥有,
ceng jing yong you
I once used to have,
天荒地老,
tian huang di lao
All the time in the world.
已不见你,
yi bu jian ni
But I haven't seen you,
暮暮与朝朝。
mu mu yu chao chao
For many nights and many days.

这一份情,
zhe yi fen qing
This love,
永远难了
yong yuan nan liao
Is forever difficult to resolve.
愿来生还能,
yuan lai sheng hai neng
I hope in our afterlife,
再度拥抱。
zai du yong bao
We can embrace again.

爱一个人,
ai yi ge ren
Loving someone,
如何斯守到老,
ru he si shou dao lao
How do you remain faithful till you're old?
怎样面对一切,
zen yang mian dui yi qie
How do you face everything,
我不知道。
wo bu zhi dao
I do not know.

回忆过去,
hui yi guo qu
Reviewing the past,
痛苦的相思忘不了,
tong ku de si xiang wang bu liao
The painful memories are unforgettable.
为何你还来,
wei he ni hai lao
Why do you come then,
拨动我心跳。
bo dong wo xin tiao
To make my heart race.
爱你怎么能了,
ai ni zen me neng liao
How is it possible to stop loving you?
今夜的你应该明了,
jin ye de ni ying gai ming liao
Tonight, you should understand,
缘难了情难了。
yuan nan liao qing nan liao.
It is difficult to escape fate, just as it is difficult to dissolve love.

Hypocrite

I am really a hypocrite. I always say I do not care what people think of me. But sometimes, I care so much that I am afraid to say no. Am afraid to disagree because I do not want to hurt someone else's feeling. At the end of that, things ended up being worse, and I end up hurting a person more.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster these days. When is it going to stop? There were so many happy things going on, am supposed to be happy. Let me just reiterate that again

1. International Medical Education Conference(IMEC) - gave my research presentation, was even congratulated by Prof Ron Harden! That was an extremely beautiful and happy day for me

2. Being in the surgical rotation now, scrubbed in for the first time here, was an intestinal obstruction secondary to a perforated appendix.

3. Passing my Step 2 CS!!

My sad score changed from 10/10 to 8/10.

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

:(

Happy Birthday..

to a person I thought I used to love

Learn, learn, learn

I have learnt today that I need to be more observant even though I am concentrating on other things.

I have learnt today that I still have palpitations even though I am starting to be calm in a lot of matters.

I need to improve, improve, IMPROVE!!!!

Happiness..

I am so so so so happy. I am such a lucky person. I have great parents who love me for who I am, love me and put me through medical school even though the fees are spectacularly expensive because my results weren't good enough for public university.

I am lucky that I was able to get an elective in New York and that my parents were able to pay for it and am able to discover the other things that I am able to do that I would not be able to prove in Malaysia.

I am lucky that I have a great brother who made me realize that we have to treasure what we have and also who are the real friends and who are not.

I am lucky that I have a great, beautiful loving sister who always make it a point to be there for me when I am alone. I am gonna miss her when she goes to london!

I am lucky that I have great friends, friends who would come to me during an emergency when I needed help, friends who would lend their helping ears and listen to my woes when I am unhappy, friends who would accompany me everyday for a drink when I can't stay home and cry behind the locked door.

I am lucky I have the opportunity to work with a great professor whom I admire for his wisdom, and most of all, his motivation that is still alive in him. I wish I would always be that motivated all the time.

I am just so so so so lucky!!!!! :)

Nightmare

An incredibly weird nightmare. I dreamed that I had to go out dinner with my ex, his gf, mom and his gf's mom. And his gf's mom was intoxicated with ketamine. And she was telling me how good it is. WEIRD

Hold ...

1. Holding tears inside is much harder than crying. Holding tears inside is even harder when mental image of the ex and gf having sex cannot be erased.

2. Holding gas in the anus while doing yoga is an extremely difficult thing to hold. Holding the fart while doing the child pose in a class full of yoga students is even worse.

Sleepless Nights.

3 months has passed. Pain is still there but tears have dried. Nobody else knows about the pain. Can't be visualized anymore.

Cure

Am looking for a cure for procrastination. And the cure for being lazy and unable to wake up in the morning to do yoga

Plans

Everyone make plans. Some plans worked out some plans fail. Some people live to plan, some people plan to live. Some people only have plan A. Some collapsed and stand again if plan A doesn't work. Some doesn't stand and sink below.

I believe plan A always work if there is a plan B and even better C on standby.

Those who doesn't plan, I salute you for being able to live in freedom. Unlike a coward like me that always have constant fear that a plan wouldn't work out.

Dream

All this years I have been running and running and running towards this dream I always have. And this running marathon always have a lot of hurdles stopping me every now and then in the way. This made me run harder and faster.

Suddenly the hurdles have been removed. It is strange but I suddenly felt suffocated, my heart burned and I lost the urge to run again. Why am I not running faster?

Unpredictable...

Today was a long busy day and also the last day that I am going to waste time putting another thought to the idiot who wasted all my years.

I never knew that I am so so so wrong all these years.

After the break up, and after knowing about the girlfriend and stuff, I was heartbroken but then again, i tried to be civil. I went and meet him to clarify stuff and even called once for a drink! He was the one asking to remain friends anyway.

Sure, lotsa people said I was desperate, but I just thought, I mean after 5 years, after a stupid online break up, you should think that ummm maybe a real breakup in person should be done? I mean, dude, I'm not even asking for a relationship again. Then again, it is probably karma.

The funniest part in this situation was, I was supposed to teach his brother violin today and miraculously he fetched his brother to my house for the class (Am pretty sure his mom forced him to). Even funnier was that, i was just opening the inside door, and zooommm the car flew off. I was like, wow, okay, after all this years, I didn't know the courage in that guy is as small as a mini pin stuck in a big body. Talk about being rude! First time I'm seeing a student's family member doing that.

Only one thing good came out from this time consuming ex relationship:

(1) I have more friends now (ex-bf's mom and ex-bf's brother)

The whole thing was just such a joke and a waste of time

Crappy blog template

Hate my blog template. What happened to Emily Autumn??? GGAAHHHHH

Low..

i can't believe i make myself stoop that low. How low can i go. I am such a blithering idiot man. I don't even have a reason to feel sad and yet i am feeling like a freakin sad person. SIGH

Happy Chinese New Year

Grey's anatomy

be inspired to face the impossible. god i love this quote

:(

will i ever stop feeling sad? everyday im just dragging this. i wish i could just concentrate on one thing and forget about the other. unfortunately that can only be a dream.

everyday i want to sleep more so that i'll dream of something happier to stop feeling sad but sometimes even this small wish cannot be fulfilled as i can't sleep

i am reminded of it every single time of the day.

Claypot rice

I used to eat claypot rice with a certain someone very often about a year ago. There is this one particular place we like to go and we only eat the claypot rice from there. We always call before going to make sure we didn't have to wait long when we are there. I always ordered extra salted fish and he will always order an extra egg.

Today after the pedicure, I should have been a bit happier. Went for pedi with my sister and we decided to eat claypot rice. I called to ask for 2 claypot rice, one salted fish for my sister and one salted fish+egg for myself(there goes my diet for a week :'(. Anyway, the moment i ordered that, the auntie actually said, the egg boy is back ??!!! I had to tell her we broke up. :'(.

:(

Another day, another rush of unhappiness.

Impulsiveness

I have realized that I have been a rather impulsive person.

And that had landed me into several troubles.

Decision to pursue USMLE through and through had been rather impulsive, and had burnt a large hole in my pocket and my dad's pocket

Decision to do all sorts of nonsense in Bali had been impulsive. This had burned relationship i think.

Decision to take the bus all the way to Washington by myself had been impulsive too. This was one impulsiveness that didn't involve burning I think.

Decision to suddenly decide to go back to KL just to see skin doctor was impulsive too. That burned a large hole in my oil tank, touch n go card and purse

Decision to suddenly change my hair style and use a lot a lot of money had been really, really impulsive and had burn a rather big hole in my purse.

Decision to suddenly go learn aerial dancing has burnt a hole in my purse and burnt the cells in my arm muscles

Impulsiveness= purse becoming ashes.

I should go burn something more useful. Like my fat