Sunday, February 20, 2011

Palpitations...

I am shaking my legs... non-stop.

I am usually calm before exams. But this time... still the same :D. However, I just redid my study table for the USMLE, and suddenly, I have palpitations !!!! Wahhhhh the amount of things I need to complete in a day. MY GOD. Sigh. That's because I am hoping, I will have one day free one week. To relax. Hope the one day free would be worth while.

Pray. I hope. It will work out.

Fungry

How can I be possibly hungry at this hour?

Am supposed to be sleeping about 3 hours ago.

Am having music lessons tomorrow

And did I forget to mention, my finals is next Wednesday?

MYGOD

k. Right. Am gonna grab some food

Friday, February 18, 2011

Why do I annoy you?

I do that because I love you. I wish you mean things that you say and wish that you never lie. I am scared when I hear you talking that way. Literally.

Of course I know what will make you annoyed. I know those things I said would make you annoyed. but I am beginning to feel that I am another extra thing in your life and not what makes your life colorful anymore. Because I am no longer someone or something you're afraid to lose. I am probably something that you can cuddle and love and then throw away without any burden.

I am afraid to ask because I know you'll be annoyed. But is that how things is supposed to be? Aren't we supposed to be able to talk about everything?

I don't know how you feel because I'm not you. But somehow I wish you don't get annoyed so easily.

Then maybe you wouldn't have approached me in the first place. And then make me do things that would annoy you.

Sigh. The best would be, that I can walk away. I know, I know. It's my fault for not being able to walk away. Told myself that many times. Then you don't have to entertain this big fat colorful balloon that is deflated and colorless now.

You know sometimes words you say makes people afraid. And sometimes, when a person is afraid, they then to say even more things that makes you annoyed.

I have tried so many times rationalizing that I have said or done the wrong things and that you were right. In the end, I would be the one who is hurt and alone and you will be walking away being the right one. And I was the delusional one.

I kept telling myself. I want to fix you. Because I love you. I know that, all you want is to be happy. But I am no longer able to make you happy anymore I think. No matter what I say or do, it makes you annoyed. Because I am hoping, somewhere in the line, I can be happy too. I am such a failure.

I am a failure

I am a failure

I am a pathetic, ugly, failure


Karma


Why do you let me feel this way if you love me?

Ans: We should break up.

And my own pathetic self would relent.

And give in.

Do you know life is too short to get annoyed with people who loves you.? Save the energy getting annoyed and ask yourself why the person ask you that. If someone who truly loves you annoys you, ask yourself, why did that person do that. How could you say those harsh things to someone you love? Does that mean you don't actually love?

Karma reflects in many ways. The hurt that you give to someone would reflect in other ways you know. That, I should tell myself. Don't do that. Be calm. Do the right thing.

Don't go out with someone who would break up with you just when you're asking why let you feel this way.

Don't let that person take over what you know is right. And twist words and make what you did wrong and what he did right.

I have learned the lesson the hard way. Please let me put it right. Please help me find the strength and courage to put things right. And stand up again.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Possessed...

In 8 days, I will be facing the final exam in my medical school years(hopefully it IS the final).

I had a 1 month study break for this exam and throughout this period, I am supposed to revise my portfolios, study and revise all the major rotations. Practice as well of course.

3 weeks had elapsed. I hadn't read a single portfolio. I hadn't properly revised all the major rotations. Bwuahahahahhaaha.

That's my crazy, panicky inside but try not to look panicky self.

I am always in front of my laptop, trying to do some USMLE revision(am sitting for that exam soon too)

However, I am only obsessed about one particular thing. BEAUTY.

I have been reading a lot, haircare, skincare, bags. I never get tired reading it and am eager and excited to buy all the stuff and try it.

I think I should have been a beautician and not a medical student. Even better, can I be both? :P

And btw, Happy Valentine's Everyone!! :D

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy CNY

I shld be happy. I am going back to my hometown tomorrow... see all my cousins.

Unfortunately.. I am drowning in the hurt that I have brought myself into.

I know it's selfish. But will you stop doing this? I am hurt by it. :'(

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

:(

I don't want to be sad too. Why does things have to be like this. Will everything be okay by just smiling?

Happy on the surface.

Please save me.