Being a good person.

Being a good person to me is someone who does not harm anyone, does not hurt anyone else in their own expense.

Every morning as I wake up, I have a sense of heaviness and a bit of dread as I would try to quickly get downstairs to prepare my own breakfast to go to school in order to avoid my grandmother.

Why?

Because she nags. I would be asked to take this and that and that and this to school, I will be asked to do this and that, take this and that, help her to take this and that.. the list in endless, eat this and that.

I know. I should be grateful that I am staying at home with my grandparents. I don't have to pay any rent. I don't have to look for dinner.

I know. That my grandmother does not have anyone to talk to. So she tries to get me to do this and that for her.

I know. I am not supposed to be irritated. But I feel so helpless, I can't ignore her. I tried to talk to her but she can't really hear, and her hearing aid is not working properly anymore.

I know she is trying to be helpful but it had done the opposite for me. Sigh.

I know I am a bad person for being irritated.

I wish I didn't have to feel irritated. At least I could still complain to my mom and my boyfriend. My grandma does not have anyone to complain to.

I should be grateful

I hate you glowing wine.

I HATE YOU!!! :'(

Don't send another text. Don't send another text. Don't send another text. How come I don't know you're going to another city?

Then I do not need to actually announce that I am going to another hospital too right? Not necessary to report things anymore right?

Ok then I am going out. Whatever. Hate myself for being an idiot, drama queen and clingy bimbo. HATE MYSELF, HATE MYSELF! do something more useful with your life you stupid nerd. Stop wasting time thinking about things or people that aren't meant to be yours and spend all energy worrying about it too.

Am just glad I took my time showering and my yoga. If I were to have rushed, I would have been even more disappointed. So, girl, you are learning fast to detach yourself. Good. Avoid getting attached to people who only say but don't show.

Another day...

Woke up groggily this morning remembering I have to go on the SPA interview. Have picked up what I wanna wear the night before as everyone has told to dress conservatively(not that I don't, it's just that my conservative standard has never been appropriate =.=).

Was very tired in the morning from all the crying and stuff. Anyway it started out great. Had a lovely text msg.

I registered myself, had a chit-chat with the person who registered me.. then later on, wait for my turn to go for the interview.

After a while, the lady who registered me told me I had to wear a suit, because I am supposed to wear a three piece if I wore pants. PLUS, my shirt is too skin tight apparently. =.='

Sigh, after that there was a big hu-ha, I had to borrow C's suit and everything, but at the end I did not because our interview started at the same time.

The interviewer asked me several interesting questions, some stuff about music, some stuff about school.

the only 2 questions I wasn't able to answer was who's the surgeon who operated on the first heart surgery in Malaysia. And the other, who is Idris Jalil.

Anyway, I was just being commented that I need to know how to dress properly.

It was another crying day too..

He has told me that he just wants to keep silent till saturday when he comes back.

I don't know how I kept a straight face in class. I just had to go to the toilet.

This whole string of sms actually came about because he has misunderstood me at the very initial part and I have just come to realize it now.

Anyway, words have been said and hearts have been shattered. Does being wearied by all these means that you are not being loved so much anymore?

Or is it a warning sign telling you not to love so much? Otherwise you will be in the danger of being left alone and being annoyed at.

Bathroom

Just when I am about to go shower, after endless crying, the temporary maid used the bathroom. How lucky am I ?

Am I gonna cry till the headache comes? Oh it already did.

OCD

I am sorry. I called. Sorry. Sorry. Don't call again. Don't call again Cynthia. Don't call again. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't

Don't call Don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text

STOP WAITING

Dial is either out of coverage, or unattended. Please try your call again later.

Now I actually become afraid when there's a ringtone.

I left my phone and went for shower hoping that there will be a text msg for me or a missed call.

Still nothing.

He won't call back. You know he won't. Stop making yourself so pathetic by hoping and wishing and waiting.

Another Sad Day.

I hate calling a phone that is switched off.

I hate the temporary maid

I hate myself.

Today started out okay. I was feeling optimistic.. Today is a blood taking day. Am not a vampire, just taking blood for sampling from the patients and I am on duty today. It has been pretty good, learned some tricks how to get blood from difficult patients. Was in a pretty positive mood.

Went back to the ward later on to attend class. Found out my patient is still there, becoming more jaundiced and abdomen was more distended, told my lecturer about it and was informed what are the possible things to do for him. After that, I even told the houseman what I know so that I could at least do my best to help this boy. I do hope he gets well.

Lunch was ok. After that, I happily went and picked up a present I had gotten for someone, was really happy about it. It is always nice to give something. At least there's a happy part in my day today in my personal life. Of course the whole day was filled with me sending multiple text message - 13 in total. Total sms received? -5.

I am becoming a loser. I am becoming someone who's able to talk nonstop even though there's no response. I am becoming a person who is able to talk to a wall.

Oh I even forgot to mention 6 phone calls. 1 answered, but was responded by not an apology, but a description of what I like to complain about. Others, phone was turned off. Since when have I become so thick skinned?

Sometimes, I wish when I am drowning with information in class, I will not be able to think about other things. Unfortunately it did not work out that way. While I am still in class learning ECG(something that I am always unable to interpret) I kept thinking what could be going wrong. At the end, I decided to try my luck to call even though I did not receive any message still, call was answered and I was being hammered by complaining on my blog. I couldn't listen anymore hence I hanged up.

I seem to be getting the knack of crying in the car, in the room and in the toilet. I have finished 2 boxes of tissue papers just from crying.

I have become a depressed person. I have become a person who keeps waiting for someone, who isn't gonna care even if I die right this second, to call me, or to at least text me back.

Is all of this worth it? I know I have been complaining a lot.

There's a phrase. If you're fat, go on a diet. If you're unhappy with a relationship leave it.

I am fat but I am unable to go on a diet because I love food too much. I am frequently unhappy but I can't bear to leave the relationship because I love too much.

So?

I have to exercise more. I have to swallow the pain, and act happy.

Since when have I become this pathetic woman? My mind can't stop thinking about this. I have always sneered and looked down upon people who can wait endless hours for someone to call.

I have always been the one who's being called. I have always been the one who ignores calls and sms. I have always been the one who's too busy, too busy chasing her dreams, too busy worrying about students, and worrying about making a name for myself.

Now, I am the one who has to call. I am the one who is being ignored. I am the one who is waiting for someone to be less busy. My dreams are still hazy. My students are fine right now. I am not making a name for myself because I am worrying about other things.

Where is the Glowing Wine that I have known so well before? The independent glowing wine that is independent, no time for crying, no time for sensitive people? What happened to her?

Knife inserted through the chest

After almost an hour of waiting. I have only receive one text msg.

I have decided that he may not have enough credit, and I have loaded my credit again just so i could call.

Guess what, phone is turned off. Already went to sleep. :O.

I know I won't be able to sleep well tonight.

My heart is becoming so fragile. I have became sensitive and was probably infected by someone else who's apparently sensitive himself.

I want to make it all better by hoping that I could erase the memory of those words he said. And just hope there's a happy ending to this day which had started out really great. That is why I purposely load the credit and tried to call again. Turns out, I was the only one who's trying.

Hurt...

It's amazing how something that is said so simply could turn your whole happy day around.

Am back home late due to late bus and everything and I don't even complain much about it. All I complain about is being fat and now I can't even complain about that anymore :(. Shall I just complain to the wall?

It's amazing how motivated you are to go home, call someone and feel happy and then start doing all the non-ending things to do on the list.

But just because of something that is simply said as a joke, it feels like all the energy is sucked out of your soul. Nothing you think or say or do can change it.

Can't shower.

Can't remove my contact lens

Can't move.

All I can do is hope that he'll call back and apologize again even though he already did.

5 minutes have passed.. still nothing. No text. No call. Credit balance: RM 2.22. Every call costs almost RM 7. And within 4 weeks I have spent 4 times the normal amount that I usually spend. Sigh.

Why is complaining so wrong? I wanna complain that I sometimes do not have enough money because I overspent a bit in that month. My mom have never scold me for complaining. She complains, I complain too.. We share our worries and complaints. Complaining and sharing something is half the burden, sharing a happiness is twice the happiness.

So..Why am I being reprimanded for complaining that I am fat? That's what all girls complain about anyway.

I don't understand. In fact it is not even the first time, yet I kept making the same mistake of complaining to the same person over and over again.

5 more minutes have passed and yet still no reply after 4 long sms.

Just half an hour ago, I was so happy thinking about next Saturday and deciding what to wear and stuff. I was so excited and I have even purchased the ticket to go home on Friday next week.

But right now all I can feel is disappointment.

I am grateful that I still have this blog to complain to and have tears that I can shed.

In a Relationship...

The best part about being in a great relationship is when he knows the exact best thing to say when you're down. :). I love you babe

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have been like this for the past few months. I am always at my lowest when I am alone.

Sometimes I wish I have better control of my feelings.

I have always love myself more than anything else.

But these few months, my love for myself has reduced and is being transferred to someone else.

So much that it occupies every inch of my mind and soul.

This is the first time ever that I kept thinking and trying and hoping

even imagining what would it be like to fit that into my future.

Will we still be in love after 10 years?

Is there a chance that we will be like any couple to grow old happily together?

I can't help but hoping that I can use all my wishes in my life to make that come true.

A feeling

I have a feeling.. that whoever I love will never belong to me.

i hate my mood swings.

I am upset

I can't sleep

I can't do my portfolio

I can't do my cfcs report

Words are easier said than done...

I was very fascinated and intrigued about the 90/10 rule when I first saw the video during my internal medicine class. I was amazed at how similar the main actor is with my dad and how similar it is to my own life and my own reactions at times.

I also came to realize how wise my mom is. Most rules stated there is always being said by my mom. Hehe my mom is as good as Stephen Covey!

I am now reflecting upon how much hatred and anger I have had since yesterday morning. It was all about my hair.

I hate it.

There I go again

I was very extremely irritated with the hairstylist that has totally ruined my hair that I have tried so carefully to take care of the past few years, and the amount of money I have spent on my hair as well. Sigh. Feeling angry doesn't help. Then again I can't control my mind.

I have been always so happy about my hair

Until yesterday.

Am a huge bimbo I know but... horrible looking hair shatters my confidence and put me in a foul mood.

I MUST fix it this Sunday.

90 10 Principle

90/10 Principle

Just a recap of the video....

90/10 Rules for all your happiness, prosperity and longeivity

Discover the 90/10 Secret: It will change your life

The 90/10 secret is incredible! Very few know and apply this secret. The result? Millions of people are suffering undeserved stress, trials, problems, and heartache. They never seem to be a success in life. Bad days follow bad days. Terrible things seem to be constantly happening.

Theirs is a life of constant stress, lack of joy, and broken relationships. Worry consumes time, anger breaks friendships, and life seems dreary and is not
enjoyed to the fullest. Friends are lost. Life is a bore and often seems cruel. Does this describe you? If so, do not be discouraged.

You can be different!. Understand and apply the 90/10 secret. It will change your life!

What is this secret? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane may be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the
other 90%!

How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light, but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you, YOU can control how you react!

Let's use an example. You're eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup
of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react. You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the coffee cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your wife and criticize her for placing the cup to close to the edge of the table. An exchange of verbal abuse follows. You storm upstairs and angrily change your shirt. Back downstairs you find your daughter has been too busy crying in hurt to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your wife leaves immediately for work, upset and angry.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to
school. Because you are late, you furiously drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15 minute delay and throwing $60 (traffic fine) away, you
arrive at school. Your daughter runs to the building without saying good-bye.

After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to going home. When you arrive home you find damage and hurt in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.

Why? All because of how you chose to react in the morning.

Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the Policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?

The honest answer of course, is D. You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds, which was entirely under your control, is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is feeling apologetic and sorry. You gently say with a smile, "It's OK honey, I know you didn't mean it."

Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase. You come back down in time look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You and your spouse kiss before you both go to work. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good of day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you CHOOSE to react. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your own free will.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 secret. If someone says something negative about you, let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out, ruining relationships, etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you loose your temper? Pound the steering wheel? (A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off!) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? Who cares if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the blue car ruin your drive. Remember the 90-10 principle, and do not worry
about it!

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep or get irritated? It will work out. Use your "worrying" energy and time into finding another job.

The plane is late. It is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over
what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger, etc. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.

You now know the 90-10 secret. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results.

Mosquitoes..

You have been disturbing my sleep for the past 4 days

You have been distorting my skin and causing much trauma to me due to the itchiness

I STILL CAN'T FIND YOU!!!

I will come back next week with a mosquito coil!!! HAH!

Patience....

I was reading about asthma and thinking about how bad the control of asthma is amongst ladies in their 50s. (I am currently in the female medical ward in B.P. Hospital, oh and by the way, I have passed my End of Semester 9!! Another step closing to achieving a small part of my dream :) )

Anyways, patients can be amazing people. When being asked about usage of inhalers, patient says, " Ahhh, tak pandai guna lah, makan ubat sajalah..". When being asked why didn't the doctor taught her the method, she said it's just that she's unable to use it, not the doctors problem. This happened twice on my 2nd day in the female medical ward! :O. Sigh, I am wondering at this point of time, do we blame the patient for not taking the initiative to care for their own health? Would explaining the detrimental effects of poor asthma control enough to shake them out of their comfortable position now?

This thoughts went in circles and has extracted another incident I remembered from a year ago when I was following a doctor in the Orthopedic Clinic. We were looking at an MRI of a patient's thigh(Can't remember the exact location or which side now). There was a huge rhabdomyosarcoma(tumor) on the anterior aspect of the thigh. So huge that it was amazingly scary. We were all stunned and was waiting to meet this patient.

Patient, an Indian(not being racist, just trying to illustrate how the man looks like :) ), middle-aged man came barging in. Apparently he has been waiting a long, long long time. Probably 2 hours. (Then again, which patient doesn't wait?- patient who are dying in the next 5 minutes). Our doctor was not a very patient person as well, there was a bit of a dispute between both of them.

Anyway, the patient was partially calm from the waiting, and hence the diagnosis was revealed and he was told that he needs to go to KL for a biopsy for further aggressive treatment blah blah. Basically to make the long story short, he became angry again because he thinks that the doctor is pushing him around and trying to delay things. ( Defense mechanism probably)

Then....

the patient walked out.

The 5 medical students, the specialist, the nurse, all had opened mouth and was in shock. One of us tried to chase the patient back but he walked too fast.

Let's just see here what had the patient misunderstood

1. Patient was thinking that the doctor was doing the work slowly and hence he had to wait long. (by the way, there are a couple of people I know who are so impatient that they can't wait and they have this thinking that everyone is lazing around. The fact is, the doctor was examining the patients so fast that we all weren't even able to write down everything or remember anything. It was in blur)

2. Patient thought that the doctor was trying to push him around. The fact is, the specialist was already a very good surgeon, but he called his colleague whom he knows specialized in this type of surgery to free up his time so he can operate on this patient, and called another surgeon that is good to do the biopsy to prevent seedling of the tumor. All on his own phone! All these happened prior to the patient coming in. Which also resulted in the delay of seeing the patient.

Now, we have no idea of the whereabouts of the patient.

Who is at the losing end here?

The thing is, I know waiting for a long time is a pain. (I have waited almost 2 hours to see the skin doctor, and it's all because they couldn't find my appointment card). Even though it is irritating to see nurses and hospital staffs walking around relaxing and doing their work slowly, we need to understand that the work their doing cannot be rushed as mistakes can happen. Healthcare providers needs to pause and think too.

If giving the staff at the counter a hard time is not going to make a difference, why bother scolding and increasing our risk of getting a heart attack? Give people the benefit of the doubt. It can do you good :).