Another Sad Day.

I hate calling a phone that is switched off.

I hate the temporary maid

I hate myself.

Today started out okay. I was feeling optimistic.. Today is a blood taking day. Am not a vampire, just taking blood for sampling from the patients and I am on duty today. It has been pretty good, learned some tricks how to get blood from difficult patients. Was in a pretty positive mood.

Went back to the ward later on to attend class. Found out my patient is still there, becoming more jaundiced and abdomen was more distended, told my lecturer about it and was informed what are the possible things to do for him. After that, I even told the houseman what I know so that I could at least do my best to help this boy. I do hope he gets well.

Lunch was ok. After that, I happily went and picked up a present I had gotten for someone, was really happy about it. It is always nice to give something. At least there's a happy part in my day today in my personal life. Of course the whole day was filled with me sending multiple text message - 13 in total. Total sms received? -5.

I am becoming a loser. I am becoming someone who's able to talk nonstop even though there's no response. I am becoming a person who is able to talk to a wall.

Oh I even forgot to mention 6 phone calls. 1 answered, but was responded by not an apology, but a description of what I like to complain about. Others, phone was turned off. Since when have I become so thick skinned?

Sometimes, I wish when I am drowning with information in class, I will not be able to think about other things. Unfortunately it did not work out that way. While I am still in class learning ECG(something that I am always unable to interpret) I kept thinking what could be going wrong. At the end, I decided to try my luck to call even though I did not receive any message still, call was answered and I was being hammered by complaining on my blog. I couldn't listen anymore hence I hanged up.

I seem to be getting the knack of crying in the car, in the room and in the toilet. I have finished 2 boxes of tissue papers just from crying.

I have become a depressed person. I have become a person who keeps waiting for someone, who isn't gonna care even if I die right this second, to call me, or to at least text me back.

Is all of this worth it? I know I have been complaining a lot.

There's a phrase. If you're fat, go on a diet. If you're unhappy with a relationship leave it.

I am fat but I am unable to go on a diet because I love food too much. I am frequently unhappy but I can't bear to leave the relationship because I love too much.

So?

I have to exercise more. I have to swallow the pain, and act happy.

Since when have I become this pathetic woman? My mind can't stop thinking about this. I have always sneered and looked down upon people who can wait endless hours for someone to call.

I have always been the one who's being called. I have always been the one who ignores calls and sms. I have always been the one who's too busy, too busy chasing her dreams, too busy worrying about students, and worrying about making a name for myself.

Now, I am the one who has to call. I am the one who is being ignored. I am the one who is waiting for someone to be less busy. My dreams are still hazy. My students are fine right now. I am not making a name for myself because I am worrying about other things.

Where is the Glowing Wine that I have known so well before? The independent glowing wine that is independent, no time for crying, no time for sensitive people? What happened to her?