Monday, January 31, 2011

Nightmare

The nightmare was so vivid.

Sigh I don't need a sign to tell me what I am doing is the right or the wrong thing. I already know.

I don't want to think but when my mind is at the most relaxed moment, it creeps into it.

I'm scared.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Depressed

Yesterday when I was packing and cleaning my room in my home.. I felt like myself again.

However, the feeling did not last long. I am depressed.

I want to be loved again. What happened to all the spark? Does a guy really just fall in love for 6 months and then able to forget about everything after that?

Sigh. Maybe my dad is right. I should have been a guy

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I remember

Oh...
Remember...
Oh, I remember...
I wanna know...

Where were you when I said I loved you?
And where were you when I cried at night?
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you.
Thinking of all the times we shared.

[Chorus:]
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside still loving you.
Sad and lonely.

No one knew all the pain I went through.
All the love I saved deep in my heart for you.
Didn't know where I would go, where I would be.
But you made me leave.
And plus my heart it just, it just kept telling me so.

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
There was nowhere else to go, oh.
Nobody else to turn to, no.
For the rest of my life, I promised myself I will love me first genuinely.

[Chorus]

I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
So sad and lonely, hey.
I remember when I stormed out.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
I was sad and lonely.


It's over


Why say you'll call and then not call to avoid argument? The argument started when I asked why didn't you call. How come it became an issue whether to call? why didn't I call? Because I know I would be told to wait. Why has it stooped this low? Maybe love has faded. I should have expected it but I can't get used to it. I have fallen asleep but I know we'll talk soon. I assumed you'd want to hear my voice. And I wanted to hear yours. So I try not to sleep and wait. Wait for you to brush your teeth. I was happy and glad to finally talk. But it just ended in tears. God it's such a f***ing small issue.

I have waited and waited. And words like, you can sleep through tomorrow but I have to work. So we can't talk. Wah. Be careful with words, think of what you do. I have never ever said I have no time for you. Don't forget what happened in the past. I have never always been this free anyway. When did I become the girl that you can't talk because you have to work or too tired to have an argument from a girl that you'd drive 400 km a night just to see and many 3-hour bus ride? I guess, love fades. Why? my attitude.

Sorry? Is only said when being asked. Seem to happen a lot these days.
Like I said, why make me happy when you're with me and make me feel like shit when we're not? Simple things can be practiced. Say that you love him/her when you argue. I did. But no response. Then somehow or rather the argument is still my fault. Refer to number 1. How many times have I swallowed my pride to give in?

You'll be only happy if I am happy? I think, you're happier without me.

Maybe this is part of your plan. You're finally making me hate you consistently. By taking away slowly the small things that you always do for me to make me happy. Maybe I would be finally able to walk away. Without turning my head back. Maybe the tears and sadness will finally stop.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Friends

Have patience.

Sometimes people tend to repeat the sad things and say them repeatedly. That's a way to lessen the sadness. If you are a friend to someone, listen. Saying can we not discuss this anymore and say we have talked about this many times is DEFINITELY not a way to show that you're a good friend/gf/bf/family member.

I want to be this person. I fight with my mom. I am upset with her. But, no matter how angry I am, I still love her. And I will make sure I try to say that so that she'll know even though I am angry, I still love her.

It would be nice to tell your friend/gf/bf that you still love them(only if you do). Because arguments hurt. And that can break a person's heart and mind. That can also make the person feel unwanted, hurt, and unloved. So, don't forget to say your true feelings no matter how annoyed, unhappy or angry you are.

Monday, January 17, 2011

WHY

Why do you make me fall in love with you?

why did you make me happy when you're with me?

why did you say those things at first and then now regret them?

why when i cry, it's me who made myself sad and it's my fault?

why do i still turn my head back when I know it'll never end and just be dragged on with tears?


Another day...

Another day has passed.

Another day that I am sad.

I want to be happy too.

I want to live again

I want to stop wasting time and do my work

Spend time with my family and people who will always appreciate and cherish me

I can choose to be happy but I can't choose the thoughts that comes to my mind.

I have gone absolutely mad.

I want to go away and never come back.

I want my dignity back.



Friday, January 14, 2011

Allergies..

Sigh I kept having allergies.

Hate the pizza face I have now. what's worse, it's so itchy that i want to rip my skin out

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Perfect nightmare

Sometimes we fight
Sometimes I cry
Why don't I
Just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should
But sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to
Say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate
Sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait
For him to change
But it's okay
I've disguised the pain
And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Yeah

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep my cool
Sometimes I let him know
Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe
Sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that i'm ready to let him go
But I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-nightmare-lyrics-shontelle.html ]

Ohh ohhh

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing
But i'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave
Help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
Relationships

At times I do wonder, shouldn't there be certain rules in a relationship? Especially when there's an argument. Sometimes, argument can be so ridiculous that people get offended with every small miniscule detail.

The person who can actually follow the rule would be people who are levelheaded, calm and collected.

Rule #1
When somebody said something that hurts you, you shouldn't be the one to call back. Why?

1. Because if you called, you are swallowing your pride,

2. You are convincing yourself that you are wrong and the other is right.

3. You are also making it clear to the other person that no matter how hurt you are, and no matter how much terrible things are said to you that makes you repel back, you will run back to his side and call again.

This will show how pathetic you are. And how desperate you are.

Of course, the other person would be confident, cocky and know that you're gonna call back.

I have always thought that I am the confident, cocky person. I have always been like that in the past for years.

I always knew, he will call. Now, it turns out karma has hit me straight on the face. I am ALWAYS the one who call back. ALWAYS.

This has not only made me ultra broke(Cos I have purchased some stuff and will have to pay it and hence I have to try to really save), but it also made me hate myself, pity myself and irritated with myself.

But when you call back, and then he apologized, what does that mean? Did he apologize because he knows that's what I want to hear or he is truly sorry? Bear in mind that, YOU are the one who called, not him. He DID NOT call to apologize. YOU called to say some stupid thing.

Hence, to make things less complicated, if he hurt you, don't call back. It is not worth it.

HOWEVER, there is another situation. If you argued, and you didn't speak for 3 days as you want to wait for him to call. You'll be in misery for 3 days if you are a girl. The misery can be awful. It can involve your family, your friends, your colleague, even your students!(if you're a teacher that is). You can't think, you can't work. At times like this, how you wish you can compartmentalize your brain. Put all the misery in a drawer, close it and lock it.