:(

One of those days that I cry myself to sleep. And I know no one would care or give a damn.

Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love For You

Happy

Yes that's what we are looking for

I am satisfied

But the pain is always there when the phone is picked up.

Especially when I snuck a peek and saw who was it.

Even during the happiest moment my heart can break.

Tears can flow

I hv to just run to the toilet

I know if u told you this you will just give me another expiry date, which will break me even more

waiting

was trying to kill time since 9 pm. tired from the labor ward and packing, but wanted to talk to someone as promised.

10 pm. still no msg. got a cup of coffee. tried to watch some stuff, private practice. -made me a bit shaky abt my future residency decision.

11 pm. still nothing. was beginning to feel really tired with a headache. am thinking of taking a nap, but am afraid will fall asleep and won't be able to talk.

12 am. i send some instant msg but didn't go through. suddenly i got some msges. am i sleeping. i was like oh, crap sth wrong with the network. tried to call on the other phone. ring ring ring ring ring no answer. called many, many times. so am under the impression, hadn't got to the hotel yet. nvm. mayb i can watch more episodes to stay awake.

12.30 am. really sleepy, wanted to go to bed but worried i will do the same thing like yesterday. sent many msg, went through finally but not read. was thinking, u might have already fell asleep. but i was telling myself, no you wouldn't do that. you will make sure your night msg got through and read. i thought. i turned my phone off a couple of times and turned it on again.

1.00 am tried calling again, and again and again. finally picked up. Am really happy. talk and were discussing. was just asking, did the phone ring or what. and did u get my msg. somehow was misunderstood as accusing? sigh.. I don't know. since that form of communication didn't work, maybe a quick phone call? or miss call? or even a text? so that i can go to bed first and don't have to wait.

u suddenly became angry, and kept saying how tired u were and ask me to let you sleep and how my phone has something wrong.

Sigh. I wanna sleep too. :(

i guess you were pissed cause you were tired and the msges didn't go through and somehow it was my phone's fault.

so the verdict. waited for 4 hours. got scolded. go to bed crying alone. and i know, somehow, it will be my fault.

I hate suddenly getting scolded when i wasn't even thinking or suspecting anything. just wanted to say hello and good night for 1 minute and knew that something was wrong with the connection.

don't know why u had to get upset because of that.

sigh. hate technology sometimes. i hate to finish conversation with someone upset with me.

and now, i just got the msg. at 1.42 am. it was probably sent at 12 am.

i just want to vent out now.

cos yesterday i fell asleep without waiting. wanted to religiously wait to talk. wanna congratulate abt the success of today's work. somehow in the process u became angry at me. i failed to provide happiness again. sigh

3 months...

After 3 months

I almost thought pain is less

Thoughts became less

Heart will harden

But it didn't

Tears still fall

Especially on those days

When I need to talk

And realized that can never happen at that moment.

:'(

My heart hurts. still.

I wish.

I wish..

I wish...

Ideal world

In an ideal world.

the perfect parents. perfect primary school. perfect secondary school. perfect grades.
go to college. meet the love of your life. graduate. start working. start a family.

the perfect world didn't actually seem that hard to achieve.

but it ain't so perfect after all.

u may not have perfect grades. u might break up badly with your college love life. u might not get a job. u might get married start a family. someone screws up and breaks the family apart. or someone screws up but kept it a secret

sigh. why start a family if something like that would happen? Hate being female. hate to be so vulnerable being pregnant, breastfeeding and worrying if he cheats. which apparently almost every man does.

even worse. husband and wife totally devoted to each other but somehow, one person gets sick and faces a life threatening illness. devastating

all these starts from greed, love and lust.

I am such a pessimist now!

I no longer feel like I want to be married and feel insecure all the time.

Then again, if u can't give emotional security to a person you have swore to god you will love and marry. Then don't.

I think when a woman feels insecure, it's not just her own fault and that her hormones are raging. It's the couple as a pair at fault.

Cruel

That's just cruel isn't it.

I am beginning to wonder whether do i know what is it like to be loved.

I know and understand what you're doing. It's because you love me.

But I wish you could show me your love in other way and not this.

I know you want what's best for me.

But u know what I want. If you can live without ever seeing me again then do that. I can't stop you from feeling that way. I will stay out of your way. Nothing I can do about that.

At least, now i know how cruel can a person be.