Concentrate in studying

It is just so horrible. I was so adamant that I have to breakup. Now that I have done it, I am crying my brains out. And there weren't even any response from him. I am so disappointed and unhappy. I probably brought it on myself, but i know I can't take having no reply and no response. I can't be in a relationship like that.

Now I can't think, I can't do my work.

Breakup

Even though i sent an email to the phone. there's no response.

Looks like i have done the right thing. otherwise, the whole time there will be no response. it's like talking to someone who's not there.

I am talking a lot of crap

Crying

He has never even tried to call me. via msn i mean

I don't know why my heart hurts and tears are falling

Relationship

I can't take this relationship anymore. Why do i always have to create some kind of fight before he actually pays attention?

I am so sick of staring at my laptop waiting for him to start writing a message...and anticipating what is he gonna write.

I mean seriously. I am a medical student, and have so much to do..and I am staring at the laptop waiting for someone to reply me. How pathetic can I be?

And I have to endure and go out breakfast with his brother mom blah blah blah when he doesn't even bother to suggest to eat with my parents to fix things up with my mom

And the problem is, I don't even feel terribly upset about it right now. Just a bit sad. I am leaving this relationship. No matter how alone I will be

Numb from stress

Ok.. I just paid another 350 US dollar for a clerkship that I felt that i really, really may not get.

SIGH

Why are the registration fee so expensive?? I am feeling distressed now. I am not going to be in my final year during the clerkship period that I have applied. and yet, I have paid 350 US dollar to register for it.

I mean my dad paid.

I still haven't gotten any reply from Mount Sinai.

And may still apply to a few more to try my luck.

Will I ever run out of luck.?

I just spent almost 4 hours trying to complete the whole form, I have tried my very best to get recommendation letters from lecturers, I have tried searching in the site to see how much does the registration fee cost. And it wasn't mentioned anywhere, hence I thought it may be free, like Cleveland clinic.

Until the last page of the online application form only i realised, the fee is 350 US dollar. Am I an idiot or what?

Now I don't know if I should try to apply for cleveland when the dates are so clearly unsuitable. do i change my flight? and spend a few more thousand?

Sigh i wish i could just skip this period of uncertainty.

Obstetrics

I love obstetrics. i love the MOs who are so willing to teach and buck us up.

Deliveries..

I saw one instrument assisted delivery just now and held 2 moms hands while they scream in pain.

but I think the joy in their eyes looking at their baby has made them forgotten...

- the pain of contraction

- the pain of the tear of the perineal wall during delivery

- the pain when needles pierce through the perineal wall even though there's already lignocaine

- the pain when so many fingers were introduced into the vagina to ensure there's no remnants of the placenta

-the pain(i think the worst) is inserting the pad in and out of the vagina to make sure there's no active bleeding- I feel pain even

Is all this joy worth the pain felt? YES

is all this joy worth all the time spent and the reduced sleeping time? DEFINITELY YES

Day 4 of my obs, posting, i have just been so happy just like in peds.

Oh yes and I want to apologize to whoever's who's reading my previous post, the incredibly long one. I know the male chauvinist actually do not mean what he says that hurts people the most. I guess he just reminds me of my dad, when he was like, why am i not a boy blah blah, i know he don't mean it, but it just came out. nevertheless it still hurts.

Anyway, he apologized and we are all good and cool.

Need to shower, make booking for transformers, and STUDY!

Male chauvinist...

We were having a class on episiotomy yesterday. Just thinking about it actually put my mood down a little. Anyway, just an update, I am currently now day 3 of my obstetrics posting. Was already drained on the first day as I had class, had to cover ward in the night, and also on that day I had a patient who is going on to labour and hence I followed her and waited. Oh and I did a VE(vaginal examination) on her as well. Saw two deliveries. Was very extremely excited and can't wait to learn how to deliver so I can do it.

Oh and on Monday Dr. N wants us to prepare a presentation on episiotomy before the class and since I really want to be better in what I do, i volunteered to prepare the slides so that I would study harder for it.

Just didn't realise what a disaster the whole presentation turned out to be.

Yesterday in the afternoon, I brought my laptop as I am worried the uni's computer don't play flv file as I have downloaded an episiotomy for everyone to watch prior to learning it. And I have prepared slides as well. Unfortunately, the laptop cannot be connected to the projector and there's just simply no output. SIGH. After a series of trying and failing, we called the IT guy and after trying trying trying, it still didn't work. Hence, I've decided to just try to use the school com. ANNNDDD... there actually was a program to play flv file. ISH. by then, Dr. N has arrived so K started with his anatomy of the perineum presentation. After that was the video. and after that, I wanted to open my slides, but it wasn't in the school com! I had to on my laptop and transfer the file again to k's pendrive and into the school com. I thought I did it before this.

While I am trying my very best, the class was discussing about the indications for episiotomy. I wasn't paying attention as I was still opening my slides. And still failed.

Hence, Dr. N just asked me to present and hence I presented. And the stupid guy which I really, REALLY dislike, kept making the error sounds and indicated that it was all the wrong indications. Apparently up to date, there is only ONE indication for episiotomy. SIGH. it was super, DUPER embarrassing. and not to mention the fact, I have volunteered and did something which I know no other people would want to do since everybody is so busy studying and covering ward(including me) but nobody actually bothered listening. How nice. Anyway, I am glad that K helped presenting as well..

Another disappointment was that I am only going to be in the labor room on the final week due to some changes to the groupings. Probably the only time I can try to do a episiotomy without staying up into the wee hours in the morning in the labor room. Ah, and the certification of my episiotomy can only be done next week. So the earliest I can try to perform an episiotomy will be at the end of next week. SIGH.

Ah, and what happened during episiotomy. This W J is such a kiasu fella, and always robbed everyone of their chance to perform an examination or doing a procedure. I mean, I always like to do procedures and always wants to volunteer myself. Don't get me wrong, I have always despised people whom I had to ask, do you want to do this? do you want to do that? but I at least have the courtesy to give time to other people to volunteer themself before putting myself forward. Not to mention he is a stupid idiot for asking why is the sanitary napkin used after the delivery so huge. =.= Seriously, how can a person who has a girlfriend not know the size of the sanitary napkin they use? I mean you don't have to be engaged in a sexual relationship to even know that seriously. then he started doing all sorts of maneuvering to see how a sanitary napkin should be worn blah blah blah. Seriously, in front of a female obstetrician. How rude can a person be? Seriously, I HATE that.

I just felt a person like that is just a danger to the obstetrics and gynecology ward. SIGH. I know I will be meeting a lot of different people that irritates me in the future, but I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Also, I really love obstetrics, would be great to be one in the future.

Hum-di-dum

about 7 hours before my Paeds exam tomorrow.... I am procrastinating... not studying.....SIEN

am just looking at my laptop, waiting for something to happen. drinking my coffee...

Crapping and rambling

thinking about my to-do list

scheduling a time to do it( but always fail to achieve)

I kept thinking about home in KL

Thinking about friday night- hopefully arrive kl by 3, get the theory certificate for my student,

maybe study a bit, ah no have to complete the research

dinner

Leo club potluck - congrats to all who have won the awards

Complete research

thinking about saturday

wake at 9, pedi with swarna( i sooooo can't wait) probably shop a while have lunch and then shop again

english class at 5( got money again yay!)

Climbing at 7

Yoga at 7.30

Yamcha meet up with high school friends at 10

thinking about Sunday
8.30 violin student 1

9.30 violin student 2

between- buy all the books i need and all the daily needs

2- violin student 3

dunno what will happen to violin student 4, still waiting for his mom to tell me the time

supposed to study internal med and orthopaedics

6- father's day dinner!

9- go home to seremban, study again

Vow that I can deliver as many babies as I can... I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Day 7

What is the verdict?

Day 1- Late. arrived hospital at 8.30 am

Day 2- Woke up at 11. Late for everything

Day 3- Woke up at 8.30

Day 4- Woke up at 7.30 thanks to CL. Got to hospital by 8.15

Day 5- Woke up at 11.

Day 6- Woke up at 11.

Day 7- Woke up at 12.45. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

the score is 3/7. And it's not even a full 3.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I have to try to LOVE waking up early. Just like how i LOVE jogging and yoga. HELP

SHOPPING

I wanna go shopping. I can't remember what was the last shirt or dress or top i bought. i wanna shop shop shop shop shop shop shop shop shop.

DUN WANNA STUDY! let's hope karma dun come now

will explain the karma story another time.. continue window shopping through the web

Day 6

First I woke up with my phone alarm. snoozed it. many times

then my big alarm clock rang. off it

then at 7.30 C L woke me. made me on my room lights. I promised her i have awaken.

close the door locked it went back to bed.

bout 10 minutes later. k called me and said time to wake up(i think?) i assured him that i am awake and that c l has woke me

went back to sleep and woke at 11am

shoot me now. SIGH

jogging

I went jogging but i didn't feel happier. what happened to all my endorphins?

What I deserve

Actually, to come and think of it, I have a lot of things that I don't deserve.

I don't deserve to be the conductor of my school band so many times. and probably many other things in the past that i don't realise

I hate myself

I hate myself for being such a small petty idiot

unfair and sadness

I am actually crying. Seriously.

Hate myself. My omegaklcc leo club has won top club. and top treasurer, whereby my boyfriend was outstanding treasurer. He did not go to meetings. I was the one always insisting on going. had to practically force him to go. And when I was the treasurer, our club was disqualified. I know I have always been lucky, and I am grateful for that. Actually this is just a very unsignificant thing. but I am very very disturbed by it. Could be probably due to the insecurities I am still having about the United States Clerkship application. I don't knnow if I will get, I still want to have an outstanding National thing to put on my Curriculum Vitae. I know my boyfriend will probably need it more that I do. But i felt i was unfair, as when i became the treasurer, i started from scratch as the previous treasurer gave me a bunch of rubbish accounts. After organizing everything, even though he took over my job, there weren't much done and i was the one always pushing it.

I am being so bitter and irritated. I know worse scenarios has happened to other before. but i felt really, really upset. I am waiting to find a day where someone will be my saviour. or the day where I can really, really practise what i preach, helping without expecting anything at all. literally.

Crying

Day 5

Sigh. Fail badly. My housemate woke and i slept back

Day 4

Woke up at 7 am, off all my alarm clocks(my phone, the large loud alarm clock, the laptop alarm) and went back to bed

awaken at 7.30am by CL my housemate. Thanks so much CL!

sigh i should be more disciplined.

Day 3

Woke up when doorbell is rang by my first student at 8.30

Don't know what happened to the stupid alarm clock from the phone.

Day 2

Have obviously miserably failed on the mission.

Woke up at 11.

Late for everything, a miserable train wreck

Research

I am OVERJOYED!!!!

there's a significant improvement in members participating in the wiki group. p value is less than 0.05 and there's no improvement in members doing self study, p value is more than 0.050. Can you believe it??????

Initially when D J was helping me with the results, I weren't sure even though the p value is obviously significant. I was quite reluctant to believe. 

Later, thanks to Dr. LNM.. he helped determining if the value that was generated is genuine. And he said,  you are one lucky person. I am over over , OVERJOYED!!!! the research is significant..!! I am so happy that i smiled all the way back from seremban to kepong. Not even bothered about my left eye pain. I am too happy to study for paeds exam next fri. wanna complete the results and show prof. SK YAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Dislikes

I hate people who make suggestions that they themselves can't fulfill.

Hate people who says they'll buy something and then forget about it. Why does people need constant reminder?

Hate it when people say, you should do this this this. I mean, I didn't even ask for the opinion. I'm like, huh, I will make my own decisions, Can you do it? Mind your own business lah. and trust me, I do ask for opinions and respect those who can give me constructive critism without worrying whether they'll hurt me or not. and I can take those opinions. Just hate it when I already have something I wanna do in mind and someone who hasn't have any experience just butt in and open their big mouth. HATE THAT!

Day 1

Awake. Late. My left eye hurts. Crap

Caffeine?

This is what happens when I take coffee at 1 am.

I am still not sleepy(could be due to the fact that i slept 12 hours the previous night)

I am supposed to my day 1 of waking up early today morning- seems that it's going to fail miserably

I am wide awake but have 0 interest in studying, 0 interest in reviewing my US application, -1 interest in starting my case summaries, 

I don't even care about my paeds exam next friday

Scold me. Screw me.

Waking up early..

Again today I failed to get up to go to the ward. I am disappointed in myself. Really. i guess i have mentioned this. 

I have checked a few sites that seem to have really good solutions that i hadn't come up with. 

Okay. starting tomorrow, armed with new loud alarm clock installed on computer, I have also decided that I will blog at 7 am every morning. Is it ridiculous? I hope not. ok. I will rise at 6.30, go for a run, then blog at 7, then prepare to go to the wards. Hope it works.

Waking up

I am now currently in the library. I am gonna menyusahkan all my friends for my inability to do something very trivial and simple which is getting up in the morning.

Why did this happen to me? I am purely lazy. I hate myself for being dependent on my friends and at the mercy of them.

My discipline is bad

I haven't study so many things.

What am I supposed to do? Help