Why do I annoy you?

I do that because I love you. I wish you mean things that you say and wish that you never lie. I am scared when I hear you talking that way. Literally.

Of course I know what will make you annoyed. I know those things I said would make you annoyed. but I am beginning to feel that I am another extra thing in your life and not what makes your life colorful anymore. Because I am no longer someone or something you're afraid to lose. I am probably something that you can cuddle and love and then throw away without any burden.

I am afraid to ask because I know you'll be annoyed. But is that how things is supposed to be? Aren't we supposed to be able to talk about everything?

I don't know how you feel because I'm not you. But somehow I wish you don't get annoyed so easily.

Then maybe you wouldn't have approached me in the first place. And then make me do things that would annoy you.

Sigh. The best would be, that I can walk away. I know, I know. It's my fault for not being able to walk away. Told myself that many times. Then you don't have to entertain this big fat colorful balloon that is deflated and colorless now.

You know sometimes words you say makes people afraid. And sometimes, when a person is afraid, they then to say even more things that makes you annoyed.

I have tried so many times rationalizing that I have said or done the wrong things and that you were right. In the end, I would be the one who is hurt and alone and you will be walking away being the right one. And I was the delusional one.

I kept telling myself. I want to fix you. Because I love you. I know that, all you want is to be happy. But I am no longer able to make you happy anymore I think. No matter what I say or do, it makes you annoyed. Because I am hoping, somewhere in the line, I can be happy too. I am such a failure.

I am a failure

I am a failure

I am a pathetic, ugly, failure