I hate it when people kept complaining

I really, really hate it when my grandma kept complaining about how blurred her vision is, how bad her headache is, how unfortunate she is.

I just wanna shake her and said, grandma! you have a good life now. Do you know how many people out there are in more pain than you are? She is on a very good treatment for her Rheumatoid Arthritis now and she just decides to skip it when she's vegetarian. Sigh. There are so many other people who needs it too. But what can I do? She's my grandma.

Sigh. I hate myself for saying that. The pain is probably so real. but the way it's being put into my face every single day really drives me crazy. And the food. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE i will be asked to take something to eat. After I have sat down comfortably in front of the TV. Even dinner. I don't have the freedom of taking what I wanna eat anymore. I have resorted to just ignoring her, because declining her every single time is just too tiring and I need to shout(she's pretty deaf now). And now, I can see the disapproving look from my grand aunt because I ignored my grandma. I couldn't understand. Why am I being commanded to take fish for my grandma? She is very able to take it herself. If you were to keep doing it for her, one day she'll forget how. I just, I can't act like I want to be a good granddaughter in front of someone. I want to be a good granddaughter to my grandma genuinely. Listen to all her stories, talk to her, take her out for a walk outside the housing compound. Now I can't even do that because of the fear that I would be shoved with food(literally) as she literally shoves the food, whatever that's within her reach. And then, she'll say things like, I have purposely kept this for you to eat.. you know. Initially I felt bad, and now.. I just feel numb.

I know right now, as you're reading through my blog, you'll think I'm a huge hypocrite. And I am who I hate. I should be grateful to be living with my grandparents. I want to be grateful. Really. Every morning, I wake up and told myself, okay I won't get angry with my grandma. And then moment I'm downstairs, I'm stressed again. It's just so hard to follow the 90/10 rule I have mentioned in my previous blog!

I hate to be someone I hate. I hate to have that feeling, why don't I just move out? It's just sometimes, all the nagging washed out all the luxuries I had, eg: free laundry, free home-cooked food, beautiful furnished room, pocket money from grandpa.

Just knock some gratefulness in my head.