Study, study, study

I have been studying, watching drama, eating all day long. This will be my schedule for the next 4 days.

Step 2 CS is coming soon! I kept getting distracted, thinking about my flight status, the transport to go there, the bus tickets to philly, the hostels, and where I wanna go after the exam and whether my stuff will fit in the suitcases, whether or not i should buy a new suitcase, what am i supposed to study for Family Medicine(the rotation that I am supposed to be in right now).. GAHHh the list goes on and on and on. I need to concentrate!

Preparations for the exams are not great but not bad. I just hope I could pass the exam.

Weather here in New York has been better. There's no more snow on the ground though, could be due to the heavy rain last week. It looks a lot cleaner but I miss central park looking white. It's now greenish brownish

Looks different huh. Well it may be a normal thing for an American, but for it it's amazing how a place can looks so different at different times.

Oh. I just realized I hadn't posted any pictures of the people I'd known from the hospital. Am really missing them already.

Anita the fellow in nephrology

From left: Leon the resident, Rafael the discharge coordinator, Alan the transplant fellow and ME!

Marie the other transplant fellow and ME!

Carolin, the other visiting from Germany

I know I am gonna really miss New York but now I am missing my friends who are studying back in seremban and my family too!

Oh and I had to figure out the New Year resolutions and reflect on the year 2009! hmmmm

2009

1. The beginning of the year was all about Cody leaving Malaysia and going to Japan and study

2. My birthday was great thanks to my friends and family

3. Went through Psychiatry, Pediatrics, Orthopedics, Obstetrics

4. Passed EOS(End of Semester) 7!

5. Went to Bali!! It was a great trip !!!

6. Had a great time being in the subcommittee of the 1st Malaysian International Medical Students' Conference. Had great experience and know a lot of new friends

7. Became a certified scuba diver thanks to AL!

8. Went through minor postings, ophthalmology, ENT, Dermatology and Accident and Emergency

9. The greatest 2 months of my life probably. NEW YORK! of course, I don't have to repeat what happened :)

10. I have become single after 5 years.

Me at Bryant's park

I shall start thinking about my New Year's resolution during my next study break haha. Sorry for such a long post

Merry Christmas!

I did realize that I hadn't been updating this blog for almost 2 weeks now. Well.. my rotations in New York are officially over. Said goodbyes and hugs yesterday to the resident, fellow and attending. It was sad really. I am really gonna miss the rotation.

Just a quick summary of the kidney transplant rotation. I have been to 4 procurements. 2 of the procurements on a private jet(I am still smiling like an idiot thinking about that). Scrubbed in on countless kidney transplant surgeries, one liver transplant, 2 small bowel resections with liver resections and HIPEC( a form of treatment of cancer where they buzz chemotherapy directly on the tumor). and so much more that I can't remember. It's time to write the report.

Am now procrastinating. not studying for the CS. Sigh. I still have so much to do. I hadn't write the report for my elective and selectives. I hadn't completed writing the cover letter for my research. I am still thinking of the souvenirs that I need to buy and figuring out whether I should buy it later or whatever. And I feel restless here probably because I know most of my batch mates are starting class on the 27th December.

I have been so preoccupied that I hadn't realized that it's gonna be a new year soon! It's time to make new year resolutions! well. i should reflect back on what were my resolutions last year. Will come back again. Time to study!

oh, and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Amazing luck

I have always believed in karma. And I believe bad luck happens for a reason and I always look forward to the better luck in the future. And I always like to look at the bright side of things. Even though situation may seem tough, I try.

And it seems to be paying back! Continuing from my previous post.. I was in the doctors' lounge in N S Hospital waiting for the liver procurement and it started at 4.30 am! I watched my first procurement. And it was AMAZING.

1. I held the bowel for the first time

2. I held the beating heart in my hands

3. I see the lungs pumping in and out. I can even squeeze it between my hands.

4. When ventilators all off, i can hold the asystole heart and feel the fibrillation after giving few massages.

the thrill is just great.

the procurement was over at about 7.30 am. Then we headed back to the hospital, and guess what, the renal transplant fellow(a doctor who completed general surgery and is doing renal transplant) received a call asking to go to puerto rico for another liver procurement! Immediately i asked if i could go.. and he said he'll try.

Anyway, after that they had to settle the liver.. clean it and put into the recipient. and after that.. he said i could go! I ran home and took my passport.. and then off to the airport! It was this small private jet that seats 6 person. Flight was 4 hours long, It was my first time on a private jet.. and it is seriously a rare chance. Can't believe my luck. :D

me and Alan(renal fellow)
The whole team!
me and Harshal

Anyway.. i finally got home on friday 12 midnight.. feeling happy, i don't even feel tired..was just too thrilled. Though the bad part is that.. my desire of becoming a surgeon is becoming stronger and stronger everyday.

Summary of urology rotation

Monday : Rounds at 7 am(arrive by 6.30 am to get charts and vitals)
Surgery 7.30am - 5 pm

Tuesday : Same

Wednesday: Rounds at 6 am(arrive by 5.30 am to get charts and vitals)
Weekly conference at 8 am
Clinic at 9 am till 1 pm or later
surgery till whenever

Thursday: Rounds at 6 am(arrive by 5.30 am to get charts and vitals)
Weekly quiz on powerpoint presentation at 8 am
surgery till whenever

Friday: Similar to Mondays

Sat, Sunday: FREE!

My summary of the 4 days in Kidney and Pancreatic Transplant

1st day: Rounds at 7 am
Self reading on cytomegalovirus
Rounds at 12.30 pm with the attending
Liver recipient meeting at 4.30 pm

2nd day: Rounds at 7am(arrive by 6.30 to get vitals)
Scrubbed in on my first Kidney Transplant
Watched 2nd kidney transplant for the day
Surgery finished at 9pm

3rd day: Rounds at 7 am
Scrubbed in on a exploratory laparotomy to find primary carcinoid tumor(was asked by the surgical onco team to go scrub cos there weren't enoughs students) - it was GREAT!

Went home at 4.30 pm. Tried to go see the christmas lighting ceremony at rockefellar center but i can't even enter the 49th Street :(

4th day: Rounds at 7 am
Scrubbed in on a Hyperthermic something something. basically it's a surgery that gives direct chemotherapy into the peritoneum. It was cool! FInished at 3 pm. Had lunch.
Went to check some vitals, then watched another transplant.. finished at 9 pm. Was told there was a procurement tonight!!!!
Ate dinner, went home to sleep for half an hour, went to the ER at 11.30 pm. Got on the Ambulance to this hospital. Arrived at 12.45 am. waited. waited. waited. The time now is 4 am. Still no procurement

Feeling stupid

I felt really stupid sometimes. And I have a feeling that I am going to feel that way many times in the future no matter how much I study(even though it isn't much)

Anyway today was a great and exciting day. Oh, just to explain a bit, I am currently now in the 2nd rotation in Mount Sinai, Kidney and Pancreatic transplant. It was a great first 2 days. I have met the director of the transplant department, attended rounds, attended a liver recipient meeting, attended a lecture and watched 2 kidney transplant. Scrubbed in on one of them even. It was great.

Sometimes, it is not what you love doing makes you feel good/great but it is the people you meet on the way. So happen that I met my housemate's boyfriend whom I have spoken to previously on the transplant team as well. He was really, really nice and is a very, very enthusiastic student. Am really glad as he showed me around, told me what to do, and that I could give my numbers to the fellows so that they can call me if there's any procurements. I am really excited and can't wait to go for a procurement. This is the first time i met such an enthusiastic student and I definitely have a lot to learn from him

Also, another good news was that the resident I met today was really nice and really do give encouragement to me regarding the residency application. Turned out that I met quite a lot of people from general surgery.

I just really, really hope that I can get a position, and hope that I pass my CS, and get a way way better score for my CK and Step 3. *fingers crossed* wish me luck!

I will continue to be strong, always be upbeat and happy. and grateful of course.

Letting go...

Finally. After few months of being physically alone but not literally alone, I have finally broken free and am literally single now.

I have been wanting this for a long time, but now that it finally happened, I just felt that I am not as sad as I was supposed to be. Maybe I haven't allow myself to feel it just yet, but right now, I feel free.

It's not that I don't love him you know, but the thing is, I can't see our future together right now. I mean, we're not going to be physically together for the next 4 years, and I and pretty sure after that if I do get a residency in the States(which is all I ever wanted right now) we are not going to be physically together for the next 10 years.

I will be 33 by then.

I thought we can do this, but looks like we can't. Maybe not in this life cause we want different things.

Anyway, I finally feel like I am able to breathe again. Thank you and thank god for the brazillian girl i met here, she's so supportive and I am going to miss her so much in the next rotation.

Oh yeah, and a bit of update here in the States. Everything's been great, it's getting colder and colder, but I am adapting so it's all good. I love the hospital, was a bit disappointed that they did not have any foreign medical graduates here at all doing residency, but I am still going to try!

Did not do any studying at all :(. Have been too excited watching and scrubbing in on surgeries and visiting New York City. I really think, this can be the place for me. Let's just see what happens.

Being a foreign student..

It is definitely a hard thing.

It is not an excuse to now know your way around. Not an excuse to not know what are things called even though you are in a different country.

I am not complaining as I know that this is what I am in for. I know it's going to happen. I just don't understand why some other students feels differently. That they do not deserve to be treated this way. Sigh. I thought that the elective was quite fine till they were complaining. THEN, I had second thoughts. But then, I vowed to do better, I want to be better and prove them wrong.

I want to learn to be more cool and chill. I don't want to be angry for petty reasons as it is just bad for me.

Anyway all this incident reminded me for the frog story Dr. L once told us. That being deaf could be good at times.

And I am still hoping that I will never ever be late. It's like a wish that has not come true sigh.

Manhattan, New York

Amazing, busy, beautiful, shopping heaven. What else can I say? I just still can't really entirely believe I am here and so happy now. Okay I realized I haven't been blogging for a while now, so just an update.

Oh yes, the letter. Received it on the morning at 3 am on the day that I was leaving, which was the 30th October 2009. Phew. Apparently the firewall in the New York State Education Department blocked all my attachment and hence it didn't went through. Anyway, i faxed the documents over and then she finally sent the letter to me.

Anyway, flight was really fast, i was just sleeping the whole way to Amsterdam and from Amsterdam to NYC I just watched The Time Traveller's Wife, and slept a while, and then ARRIVED!

The first week just flew by, everything's great here.. I am able to scrub in and help a little in the morning rounds, though it was really too fast to understand anything. Am now in Urology.. things have been interesting.. though i have to say the most exciting things are really the shopping..

Have been to the empire state building, some museums, central park, times square, broadway, basically all the pictures are on fb.

I have bought so many things and there are so many places that I am planning to go still.. will try to keep things updated. Haven't been studying much though..

Letter of Eligibility

Am going to have the exam for all my minor postings next coming Friday. Trust me, that is not even close to the real worries that I have right now.

Am still really highly stressed about not receiving my Letter of Eligibility now. Not even all the crazy dancing done yesterday give any help. I know I should stop worrying about it. but I really can't help thinking about it.

And I am now worrying about a lot of things, how to impress people so I could get a good letter of recommendation, how to finish reading the things needed for the electives and how am I going to pass the Step 2 CS, worried about how cold is it going to be in New York, and how am I going to manage.

Okay. After publishing this post, I will stop worrying, I will be confident, and do my best. Have faith in myself. Letter will come in time, I will be able to pass my minor posting exam, I will be able to pack everything without forgetting any, I will be able to withstand the cold weather, I will be able to study well, impress people, and pass my step 2 CS exam.

Sorry to the readers who has to listen to my self talk

Out of my mind

I have been acting out of my mind lately. I have been cyber stalking and phone stalking a person I barely know. I have been thinking about it over, and over again that I could go nuts. Today is the first day in 2 weeks i did not sent any freaky sms. Thank god.

Today was a really bad day. It started off bad. I was late again. woke up at 8.05 am class at 8 am. When will I ever learn I really do not know.

I want to be able to wake up myself. I don't want to trouble my friends to wake me. Why is this trivial matter so difficult for me? It is such a small problem!

This whole day i have been depressed for whatever reason I really don't know, there's nothing to be sad about. And to make things worse, I lost my pendrive.

To make things doubly worse, the starter for my room air cond spoiled after the thunderstorm. It was not cured by my ashtanga yoga except that I sweat more cos it was too hot.

To make matters even more, more worse, I just received an email from the New York Education Department saying that they did not receive the attachment I sent 2 weeks ago. =.=' . I was supposed to send them some files as it was required for me to obtain the letter of eligibility in order to do the elective in New York. I have sent them 5 emails in total to ask for the letter after sending the attachments. After 2 weeks and 5 emails only I was told that the attachment was not sent ( I checked my sent mails by the way and I DID send the files) SIGH. I have just tried my very best to attach the 3 files using the sucky internet connection here in Seremban. HOPEFULLY, the attachment arrives.

This day can't get any worse can it?

Mentally relaxed

I just realized that I haven't felt this relaxed since Bali. Immediately after the Semester 7 holidays, things have been moving and moving and moving non stop.

Finally I am now able to blog as I can't fall asleep now anyway.

First it was the successful 1st International Malaysian Medical Students' Conference held by IMU thanks to the great committee members. I really had fun and enjoyed myself and gained experience from the oral presentations. Pictures on fb(Facebook)

Second, after the rushed week in A n E plus all the things that I had to prepare for the US visa, an impromptu decision was made by my fellow housemate to go get our diving license. and Poof, one week of Hari Raya Hols passed by in Tioman and I am now an Open Water Scuba Diver! Can't wait to go diving again.. was told that I had to get proper lessons in swimming and hence immediately after coming back, I have registered myself to go learn swimming. three swimming lessons and I am loving it tremendously

Third, it was all the preparations of the poster for my research to be entered into the IMU research day Competition and also the oral presentations. That took a whole big chunk of time.

Also, the preparations for the Visa really did tire me mentally and took so much of my time. I am so, so glad that is finally done. I can now officially say that I can go to the States for my surgical elective! Still need to wait for one more letter though. But i am really glad everything is falling into place soon. Just that there's one problem. I am so not prepared still for the Step 2 CS

Anyway, after that it was the big 10th IMU anniversary celebration, as usual, I had to play my violin again.. was glad to do that and it was really great thanks to all my colleagues. Oh, and i was really happy too cos I'd won 2nd place in the oral presentation. That was really unexpected.

I think that's all for now. Gotta go to bed. Nite!

Fate

My life has always been always about fate. Had I never went teaching in that music school , I would not have met my bf.

Why does some confessions comes when my heart is most vulnerable? And the painful truth comes out from that confession.

Why do we both have to be online at that wee hours in the morning? Sigh and I still acted so nonchalant when i received that news!

Life is full of CRAP sometimes

Obstacles

I am now in the library of IMU Seremban waiting for a miracle to happen.

Sometimes, I know I am just too greedy and hope for too much good luck to happen to me in order to fulfil my life long dream of becoming a surgeon. It seems like I am always in a rush and I always forget to pay attention to minute details. That's what's wrong with me.

Hence, now I can just wait, wait and wait. Holidays are starting soon. I can't wait to explore the sea and go scuba diving. Most unfortunately I had to miss the black eyed peas concert. I really, really wanted to go. I know. I can't have everything.

Accident and Emergency

I definitely love this posting. I just went on-call just now and did another suturing again! yay. It was a scalp laceration wound and blood spilled like a fountain, i think an artery was ruptured. Anyway, I asked permission to try to suture it(seems that I have a lot of luck with scalp lacerations) initially it was too superficial and later on the house officer who gave me a chance to suture continued it. I did one final suture at the end once the bleeding stopped. Oh and I also gave local analgesics. Sigh, I am still really not good at it. My hands were trembling even though this is like the 4th time I am doing suturing! I really should have better control over my hands.

It is now almost 1 am. And I have not completed half of my to-do list. Not to mention studying as well. View of my to-do list:

1. write letter to AAD and prof K to explain my absenteesim in Family Medicine Posting next year

2. Call my cfcs patient(which I totally forgot)

3. Check hostels available in New York for my stay after the elective and selective to prepare for step 2 CS. Sigh i really hope i have a free place to crash. I can't imagine how much the hostels are going to cost me

4. Determine how to write the research paper for publishing

5. Find the syllabus for the step 2 CS

6. Find books to use for step 2 CS

7. Print my plane ticket

8. Study for my elective and selectives

9. Study ophthalmology

10. Study emergency med

11. do poster. due this friday.

=.= 3 minutes elapsed after writing out this list.

I can't believe that I was convinced that I had to go scuba diving next week. and apparently I was supposed to relax. In Tioman

I can't believe I always put myself in such situation. It's like an almost impossible to-do list to complete all before this weekend.

I don't wanna bring any books to Tioman. I just wanna go there, relax, do more serious yoga, maybe explore more poses. and of course, learn diving.

Oh, forgot to mention that I went climbing last Sat and guess who I saw? Jacklyn Victor! Actually I already saw her a couple of weeks ago while climbing, and I think I kinda stared rudely till she noticed. Cos I weren't sure if she's really Jacklyn Victor. Anyway, I took a photo with her. Did I mention how much I love her voice and her songs. It's just incredible.

Updates...

Gosh seems that I hadn't updated this blog for ages. Also, it seems that this blog only gets updated when I am having exam :/

Anyway, starting from after exams. Basically, than

k god luckily I passed my EOS 7. Really grateful and thankful for that.

Immediately after that, I went Bali with my family.. and I finally, finally learned how to surf. It is like, I paid RM 50 and the guy will teach and stand right next to me till I am able to stand on the board.

And this was the result :

falling off.. pic caught by my sister

Finally! The thrill of controlling the board with my feet. The thrill of people seeing me reaching the shore and jumping off. Can't describe it. I so have to go surfing again. Of course, I also injured my hand as I did a stupid thing by not handling the board well and it bang against me with the high wave in bali. :'(. Untill now still having pain in my metacarpals. Also, bruises everywhere on my knees and shin.

Other parts of bali are just simply indescribable with words. Pics available on FB.

Immediately after that, like a matter of 2 days, Ophthalmology( Eye) posting started. I was super duper confused with all the terms. And till now, I haven't properly sit down and study.

After that, comes the great MIMSC 2009(1st Malaysian International Medical Students' Conference). I was the subcommittee in Kajen's team.

Last thursday, we drove to Palace of the Golden Horses, the place we're staying throughout the conference. That night, we had this joint committee meeting and it only ended at 4 am. Sigh.

The next day, I got up at 7.45. Apparently C L woke me at 7.15 but I totally didn't know and woke at 7.45 with a start. THE BUS IS LEAVING AT 8 FOR THE KL TOUR! I just quickly got ready, had breakfast and ran down.

At the end, the bus left at 9. Some of the international delegates were late. Anyway, we visited Putrajaya, which was great for me cos i hadn't gone there before. After that, we went to the independence square, some batik place and the Royal Selangor pewter factor. After that, we went KLCC. By that time, it was already 3.30 pm and it was time to go back and get ready for the opening ceremony. Opening ceremony was held in Saloma restaurant. Again, photos will be uploaded in FB

The next day, was the scientific presentation where I was supposed to present my Wiki research paper. Which turned out really sucky i think. Aih, never mind, the experience was gained. Hopefully I learned my lesson.

That night was also the banquet dinner which Kajen has assigned me, LY and PF to organize. It was really cool, we got to use the walkie talkie and stuff. Anyway, i hoped everyone enjoyed the dinner. It was really great with the Lions dance and all the performance thanks to chester. Oh, and amazingly, I broke my new heels that night from running up and down with the high heels and cheongsam. and the worse, I had to perform with the violin on the stupid broken heels. I can't imagine how awkward i looked on stage. Hopefully the playing was ok.

After that, that night, we had to prepare the certificates for the participants to give to them the next day.

The next day was the workshop day.. which was also another rushed day. After the workshop and forum comes the closing ceremony. After that, it was the night tour around KL, which was kinda disappointing cos the tour guide just left us at bukit bintang to walk for 2 hours. :/. Nevertheless I had a really great time getting to know new people. Again, photos on FB heheh.

Sorry for such a long post

Crying quietly in my heart

is the only thing i know how to do properly now

Exams

I am WAY, WAY awake and freakin hungry right now. At 4 am. I will have to be in the Uni in 8 hours. And I am totally NOT sleepy. Thanks to my 2 cups of coffee(YUMMY) just now.

I know I am going to regret this. I did not appreciate the brains given to me. I definitely did not study as hard and smart as my other friends. I am always watching movies before the exams.

Karma please don't come tomorrow. I have been wasting time these days DREAMING about Manhattan. I just forgotten one teeny weeny detail. If I do not pass the exam today and the day after, it is bye-bye New York, bye bye united states.

So, tell me. Why am I typing and not picking up my book to read till I sleep?

Why am I craving for the warm scones with preserved jam and pure cream from DElicious?

Why am I thinking about doing yoga and the fact I haven't done it for 2 days?

I am thinking about every single damn thing in the world except my exam.

Hum di- dum. I realised I haven't finish the story below. Will be continued after the exams I supposed.

A little story of a girl who has dog phobia

I was in the kitchen playing with the children. It was really boring.. I was looking out the window hoping to go out and have a good run and meet with my other friends..

Suddenly the bell rang! I saw granny walking out to the door and opening the electric gate. A girl came in holding a big parcel.. I wondered was it dog food for me, YUMMY! then again, on second thought, it couldn't be. But I have a mission. The moment the grilled door is open, I would jump and run out and hunt for foxes, after all , that's what my breed does, and I have to continue the tradition!

The girl looks afraid though. She looks back and forth at me and the granny. She told the granny, "is that dog gonna come out and bite me??" Unfortunately for her but fortunately for me, the granny did not hear what she said at all thanks to her excitement of receiving the parcel.

I watched the key being turned, i know the door is going to be opened soon...my heart is beating slightly faster, my back leg muscles are already aching for a good run...

to be continued....

Happiness before the up coming finals

Am currently studying..very slowly. I haven't completed so many things. I have been just relaxing and studying very slowly throughout the 5 days in seremban. Thank god my good friend, C studied a while with me everyday. Buck me up at stuff.

Anyway, for the happiness I have been feeling for 2 days now

I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR MY CLINICAL ELECTIVES IN THE STATES!

WOOHOO.

The moment I saw the email. I JUMPED and SHOUTED in my Seremban room at 6 am in the morning(I was about to go to bed at that time, thanks to my 3pm- 7 am study schedule)

I will be going to Mount Sinai School of Medicine for Peds Urology, and Kidney and Pancreas Surgery. I am so so so so happy.

Of course, now I'll have to go settle all the visas and stuff. Hopefully that won't hinder me from going to the States.

Immediately i sent an SMS to my parents and also an offline message to cody.

US here I come! I'm seriously freakin scared of the cold.. And thinking bout the Step 2 CS exam seriously makes me shiver. Thinking about the amount of money makes me stressed! 2 months without violin classes will make me broke.. but think about Manhattan, New York City... Sex and the City.. gosh i really can't wait

Back to reality. I wanted to go climbing and yoga today but I have been so slow at my studying and getting distracted again by fb. SIGH. hate my discpline.

Oh and I failed my Obs MCQ. Y_Y. I didn't do as well as I thought for my Clinical Exam Y_Y . My first official fail in clinical school. SIGH. I should learn my lesson and study now

Oversensitive

I think i gave 3 person a near heart attack today for not wearing any makeup. Heart attack was showed via non verbal communication from the facial expression of shocked, and my favourite big eyed expression.

I am grateful for what I have but my hypocrite self today think if I should undergo a plastic surgery

Self Reflection

I had a big fight with dad in the car today.

It all started because of a very, very incredibly petty issue. All just because some car parked very, very near him.

dad became angry and show all sorts of movement with his hands to the car at the back.

the result? surely the passengers in the car would be angry as well.

And from there, all sorts of hurtful things were said.

I know I am at the wrong for raising my voice at my father. But I do not want my dad to get angry over a very small insignificant issue.

It's an unfair world, but does that mean that whatever ill-treatment that was acted on to us had to be inflicted to another person by us to be fair?

Why do we have to put ourself in the wrong because of another person's wrong?

On second thought, I have put myself in the wrong by raising my voice at my father just because I want him to understand. I realise what a hypocrite I am.

I also realise day by day I am becoming more and more like my dad. Getting angry over petty issues, being impatient, and perhaps even condescending to other people unknowingly.

Please do tell me if I possess any of these traits above so I can correct it.

Birthdays...

De Jun's Birthday and Wen Leong's birthday.. just let the photos speak for themselves...

The over enthusiastic Ashthangi

2 days ago, I was supposed to studying for my Finals. Unfortunately, I was drawn to my facebook notification with the red pop up sign and started reading. Bye bye to books AGAIN

I was checking through my mails and decided to do the design of the programme booklet for the upcoming student conference. And I was so deeply in thought of doing the design that 4 hours had passed and it was 11pm! S*** Anyway it was a satisfying work.. but i got up from my chair and OUCH. I have backache. Hmm since that day I did not do any yoga as i accidentally fell asleep in the evening, I have decided to do it then. Backache still there. And I have decided to cut short the yoga practice and skip my shoulder stand and inversion.

Shoulder stand

Plough pose(Halasan)

After that I continued studying as I felt guilty. Only slept at 4 am

Next day... I was awakened by the shrill voice of my friend C. It's already 8.35am!!! And I was still dreaming. Thank god she woke me. That day back ache became worse. Did revision at school and came home with the hope of doing a better yoga and hopefully backache becomes better.

I started with my normal sun salutation A and B and all the 6 standing poses. And I felt so relaxed after that, I have decided to do a yin yoga the butterfly pose.

After being in that position for 1 minute.. i realised that i could almost touch the floor with my head. I was very, very happy and stayed there for 5 minutes. It's a great accomplishment!!!

Unfortunately...

After that, I want to finish off all the position, I realised I couldn't do halasan at all. once the knees reached above my face i experience an extreme pain at my lower back.

After that, i just stopped and finished with corpse pose

went jogging with CL(my house mate) and realised i couldn't really run due to the back ache

Backache remained the whole night. Until now.

I can't do the yoga just now as I couldn't even do a proper sun salutation and i walk like a pregnant lady.

Y_Y I miss yoga.

Weird Deals

I had a 3rd share of a weird deal making process today..

Weird Deal number 1

Labor Room

(Patient is having painful contractions, looking like she's going to deliver soon)

Medical Student: Staff nurse, staff nurse, boleh saya deliver kali ini? (smiling, innocent face was put on) {staff nurse, may i deliver this time around?}

Staff Nurse: Hah, you medical student ya.. aiyah you buat suction sajalah {Huh, you are a medical student right, just do suction la}

Medical Student: Harr.... aiyoh staff nurse, tolong bagi saya deliver lah...(sad face) . {aiyoh, staff nurse, please let me deliver..}

Staff Nurse: Hmmmm you pinjam saya kasut you, saya bagi u deliver lah. {Hmm.. why not you lend me your red shoes, then i'll let you deliver}

Medical Student: OK!

In the end, I did not deliver the baby as it was a difficult delivery. and i did not lend my shoe. The shoe, btw, is a crocs shoe that S, my good friend in New Zealand bought for me. It was really cheap, and I love it so much.

Weird Deal number 2

Labor room

(Patient is having painful contractions, also looks like she is about to deliver, unfortunately she is surrounded by, 1 Staff nurse, 1 student nurse, 2 house officer, 1 medical student. Hence medical student decided she should just observe)

Tagging House officer 1 : Eh staff nurse, medical student ini pandai main violin, dia ajar violin lah

Medical student : (looks mortified, try to open her small eyes big big)

Staff Nurse: (Just smiled)

Student Nurse: (Concentrating on waiting for the patient to have another contraction)

Tagging House officer 2: Acting like he is looking at the student nurse doing her work

Medical Student: House officer where got time to learn violin? You will need to buy a violin as well

discussion went on about how much does a class costs blah blah

Tagging House officer 1 : Why not I let you do more episiotomy repair while you teach me the violin with a discount?

Medical Student: errrrrrrr

Tagging House officer 1 : what is your number ah?

Medical student: uhhhhhhhhh ( at loss for words, look at staff nurse)

Staff nurse: (Her big eyes was opened widely, gave a look that says, what's with this house officer???)

Student nurse: (Still concentrating on contractions)

Tagging House officer 2: (Looks at medical student and then look away..)

Outcome: Medical student feels happy that someone asked for her number but unfortunately it was a tagging house officer who she has not interest in at all whatsoever

Weird Deal number 3

CSU rooms

(Practising to take blood culture in 5 minutes, room was filled with lots of medical students due to upcoming exams, another group was practising urinary catheterization)

Medical student 1 : (Doing a running commentary while doing the blood culture)

Medical student 2 : (from urinary catheterization group, look at cynthia and said, " Eh , can teach me urinary catheterization ah "

Cynthia : Huh? I don't think I know any better than you le.. Why not you ask XXX

Medical student 2 : Why not you teach me and I spend one night with you??

(Cynthia and open her small eyes big big and medical student 1 opened her big eyes big big)

Cynthia: I don't think so

Outcome: Cynthia feels weird, do I look that desperate?

Bitching Time..

I hate girls who struts and thinks that they are Oh-So Pretty.

I hate girls who can't drive and don't want to learn and expect GUYS to drive

I hate girls who say guys carrying a girl's handbag is not Manly

I hate girls who laugh with a stupid laugh and act stupid

I hate girls who put the female gender down. How come a girl cannot become a surgeon? How come a girl cannot have a big signature? How come a girl's driving MUST suck?

I hate girls who thinks that only guys can do heavy work. of course you can carry a chair

I HATE people who are sexist

Please kindly tell me if I possess any of those traits above.

Yoga

My new mission.. i will change my yoga practising time from 5.30 pm to 5.30 am. Please tell me it will work.

Distracted

I just kept looking at the laptop.. can't concentrate on studying.. aih..

Waking up early

I slept 11 hours today. Where is the stress of exam to stress me out of my sleep? Something is seriously wrong with me

12th OmegaKLCC Leo Club anniversary....

Theme: THE DARING DOZEN

Date: 25th July 2009, Saturday

Time: 7:30pm

Venue: Palate Palette, KL (near Changkat BB)

Price: RM75

Dress Code: Cocktail Attire

Theme Colour: Purple, Black, OR Gold

Below is our menu for the night, which we hope would justify for the (slightly) expensive pricing! >_<

SNACKS & STARTERS

Beef Bacon & Mushroom Quiche Tartlets

New Zealand Mussels Cocktail

SALAD

Zen Garden

Shrimp & Avocado Salad

SOUPS

Seafood Chowder

PASTAS & ENTREES

Pasta Primavera Marinara

Lamb & Onions

Asparagus & Smoked Chicken Penne

DESSERTS

Mini Chocolate Cheese Cake

Looks super, super yummy.. unfortunately I was supposed to be the emcee and also play the violin that night. I wish i had time for food.. gonna make sure sis keep food for me.. Seems there's always never ending performance that i hv to do during dinner time.. I am always eating leftover food during nice, formal dinner, or my food will be cleared out before i even smelled it. Hopefully this time it would be different. After all, I still had to pay RM 75..!

The dreaded day happened....

I was totally did not wake up on my exam day. Thank god K called me at 7.30 am when he saw the lecturer was there and i wasn't there. SIGH

I have no excuse for myself and i really cannot forgive myself.

Dr. S told and she was stern but she was ok. ...exam went ok as well..hmmm i would like to say i could have done better...all the questions she asked was all things that i have known..but have gone temporarily blank during exam. why does this happen?? WHy? Why?! ISH! geram saya

I really need to make sure i have a back up plan for the morning arousel. this is seriously getting bad.. I am really afraid what's gonna happen in the States.

Yoga Matt...

I seriously need a new yoga matt...

I am going to have my obstetrics exam in 6 hours time. And right now, I seriously do not know what else should i revise.

I just want to play my violin. currently working on Liebesleid by kreisler... It means love sorrow. beautiful beautiful song.

I just want to practice yoga. the pose that i really had no idea how to start is the marichyasana B. I just learnt it last sat!

there are just so many poses that I wanna improve on.

Wanna go for yoga class again this saturday but had to become the emcee for the leo club 11th/12th anniversary dinner(not sure which!)

Did i mention that i haven't been climbing for almost a month? my evolve shoes are lying at home in Kepong calling my name.

Sleep

I seriously need to go to bed. Seriously serious

New blog template

Finally i managed to change my blog template.

I should have been sleeping/studying. Sigh. nevertheless i feel quite happy about it hehehe

Boring life..

What happens when the most exciting conversations that lead you to have palpitations and butterflies in your stomach is not your loved one anymore?

Today...

I was on a real high today, was a great day at the hospital, a great day at the yoga place. I was so happy until i chat with someone. Sigh

Envy

Nothing to Envy

Because we want to keep it hidden, envy can be particularly difficult to deal with. How many of us are willing to cop to the heart-twisting feeling that pops up when a friend calls to tell you she's just received a fellowship, or the sense of injustice that clouds your first glimpse of your wealthy friend's fabulous new apartment? Envy so often looks like something else—resentment, perhaps, or a sense of dissatisfaction with your own life, your own income, your own family. For many people, envy simply merges with an overall feeling of not being quite good enough. Because envy is rooted in the feeling of lack or deficiency, the assumption that there's not enough to go around, its best antidotes will be practices that activate your own feelings of natural abundance. Forget about the person you envy. Forget about what she has that you wish were yours. Look instead at the energy that feeling is made of, and you'll notice that nothing in the feeling has any real solidity. Perhaps, at that moment, you might open to the insight that the energy forming and dissolving within your mind and heart is not really separate from the energy around you. Perhaps, at that moment, you might realize that the person you envy is not really someone separate from you; that you lack nothing because you are, at your deepest core, part of a vast field of energy that contains potentially everything you could ever want or need I want to be like that!

Exams..

I have obs exam next tuesday, mcq paeds mcq obs next thurs

and I am having my finals on the 11th August

right now..I want to do everything but study

I can't think.. and kept thinking about a particular person

Oh.. a bit of update on the sleep wake cycle.. have been getting better. i hope it remains that way.

i haven't properly plan to study for the finals.

there will be so many reports to write..and i haven't found a case report. or more like, the person whom i want to write the case report is only currently at her 32nd week of pregnancy and they will only induce the pregnancy at 34 weeks. and it is definitely WRONG for me to hope she'll deliver. hence, no good case to write

I don't understand why my batch always got stuck with IMU renovations. SIGh

Oh and today i was so tired, i slept in class, and then come back home and sleep again. sigh what the hell is wrong with me? i dind't exercise cos i was too tired. SIGH

House rent

I don't like collecting rent from people who don't pay on time.

I hate having to cover up when i had to explain to the owner.

Sigh

Delivering babies

Today i finally got the hang of delivering a baby and a placenta.

Delivered baby(assisted)-2

Delivered placenta- 4

I am so happy...even though many staff nurses said many things about me being an idiot for not knowing where certain things are place.. or how dumb am i to only examine 4 things from the placenta. What really made my day was when the staff nurse actually apologized to me.. apparently she raised her voice at me.. but honestly speaking.. i thought i deserved it as i was such an idiot... it was really, really nice of her.. it really makes me look forward to housemanship even though everyone is dreading it.. as long as you maintain your thick skin.. and never be afraid to ask the nurses no matter how much they patronize you by saying ' you are the doctor' im just the lowly nurse. we are in a different league. you should know what to do. Aih. But it is nurses like Staff nurse Z who will make me forget everything bad and remember all the good things

I know I will still have a lot to learn clinically especially from the nurses. I respect them as honestly speaking, they are the ones who really, REALLY care about sterility. Not the house officer or medical officer that i know, whom have studied thoroughly regarding nosocomial infections and how hard can it be to treat. In this case then, why the staff nurses are more concerned than the actually training/ practising doctors? I guess it is your own principle that you hold on to yourself. Whether you just wanna stitch up the wound and sleep, or you want to make sure that the patient is comfortable, maintain sterility.. and make sure you do less harm.

I know i'll probably regret this in 3 years time. but now i can't wait to become a house officer. getting scolded and learning. and making friends with all who have scolded me. I don't mind the amount of scolding as long as I learn. I'm a thick skinned person. At times, like this, it reminds me of my band instructor during secondary school. He can scold anyone, anybody relentlessly till you drop down your knees and cry. but i held my head high and took all his criticism. I am glad that i had undergone that prior training.

Anyway im gonna go pass out now

Concentrate in studying

It is just so horrible. I was so adamant that I have to breakup. Now that I have done it, I am crying my brains out. And there weren't even any response from him. I am so disappointed and unhappy. I probably brought it on myself, but i know I can't take having no reply and no response. I can't be in a relationship like that.

Now I can't think, I can't do my work.

Breakup

Even though i sent an email to the phone. there's no response.

Looks like i have done the right thing. otherwise, the whole time there will be no response. it's like talking to someone who's not there.

I am talking a lot of crap

Crying

He has never even tried to call me. via msn i mean

I don't know why my heart hurts and tears are falling

Relationship

I can't take this relationship anymore. Why do i always have to create some kind of fight before he actually pays attention?

I am so sick of staring at my laptop waiting for him to start writing a message...and anticipating what is he gonna write.

I mean seriously. I am a medical student, and have so much to do..and I am staring at the laptop waiting for someone to reply me. How pathetic can I be?

And I have to endure and go out breakfast with his brother mom blah blah blah when he doesn't even bother to suggest to eat with my parents to fix things up with my mom

And the problem is, I don't even feel terribly upset about it right now. Just a bit sad. I am leaving this relationship. No matter how alone I will be

Numb from stress

Ok.. I just paid another 350 US dollar for a clerkship that I felt that i really, really may not get.

SIGH

Why are the registration fee so expensive?? I am feeling distressed now. I am not going to be in my final year during the clerkship period that I have applied. and yet, I have paid 350 US dollar to register for it.

I mean my dad paid.

I still haven't gotten any reply from Mount Sinai.

And may still apply to a few more to try my luck.

Will I ever run out of luck.?

I just spent almost 4 hours trying to complete the whole form, I have tried my very best to get recommendation letters from lecturers, I have tried searching in the site to see how much does the registration fee cost. And it wasn't mentioned anywhere, hence I thought it may be free, like Cleveland clinic.

Until the last page of the online application form only i realised, the fee is 350 US dollar. Am I an idiot or what?

Now I don't know if I should try to apply for cleveland when the dates are so clearly unsuitable. do i change my flight? and spend a few more thousand?

Sigh i wish i could just skip this period of uncertainty.

Obstetrics

I love obstetrics. i love the MOs who are so willing to teach and buck us up.

Deliveries..

I saw one instrument assisted delivery just now and held 2 moms hands while they scream in pain.

but I think the joy in their eyes looking at their baby has made them forgotten...

- the pain of contraction

- the pain of the tear of the perineal wall during delivery

- the pain when needles pierce through the perineal wall even though there's already lignocaine

- the pain when so many fingers were introduced into the vagina to ensure there's no remnants of the placenta

-the pain(i think the worst) is inserting the pad in and out of the vagina to make sure there's no active bleeding- I feel pain even

Is all this joy worth the pain felt? YES

is all this joy worth all the time spent and the reduced sleeping time? DEFINITELY YES

Day 4 of my obs, posting, i have just been so happy just like in peds.

Oh yes and I want to apologize to whoever's who's reading my previous post, the incredibly long one. I know the male chauvinist actually do not mean what he says that hurts people the most. I guess he just reminds me of my dad, when he was like, why am i not a boy blah blah, i know he don't mean it, but it just came out. nevertheless it still hurts.

Anyway, he apologized and we are all good and cool.

Need to shower, make booking for transformers, and STUDY!

Male chauvinist...

We were having a class on episiotomy yesterday. Just thinking about it actually put my mood down a little. Anyway, just an update, I am currently now day 3 of my obstetrics posting. Was already drained on the first day as I had class, had to cover ward in the night, and also on that day I had a patient who is going on to labour and hence I followed her and waited. Oh and I did a VE(vaginal examination) on her as well. Saw two deliveries. Was very extremely excited and can't wait to learn how to deliver so I can do it.

Oh and on Monday Dr. N wants us to prepare a presentation on episiotomy before the class and since I really want to be better in what I do, i volunteered to prepare the slides so that I would study harder for it.

Just didn't realise what a disaster the whole presentation turned out to be.

Yesterday in the afternoon, I brought my laptop as I am worried the uni's computer don't play flv file as I have downloaded an episiotomy for everyone to watch prior to learning it. And I have prepared slides as well. Unfortunately, the laptop cannot be connected to the projector and there's just simply no output. SIGH. After a series of trying and failing, we called the IT guy and after trying trying trying, it still didn't work. Hence, I've decided to just try to use the school com. ANNNDDD... there actually was a program to play flv file. ISH. by then, Dr. N has arrived so K started with his anatomy of the perineum presentation. After that was the video. and after that, I wanted to open my slides, but it wasn't in the school com! I had to on my laptop and transfer the file again to k's pendrive and into the school com. I thought I did it before this.

While I am trying my very best, the class was discussing about the indications for episiotomy. I wasn't paying attention as I was still opening my slides. And still failed.

Hence, Dr. N just asked me to present and hence I presented. And the stupid guy which I really, REALLY dislike, kept making the error sounds and indicated that it was all the wrong indications. Apparently up to date, there is only ONE indication for episiotomy. SIGH. it was super, DUPER embarrassing. and not to mention the fact, I have volunteered and did something which I know no other people would want to do since everybody is so busy studying and covering ward(including me) but nobody actually bothered listening. How nice. Anyway, I am glad that K helped presenting as well..

Another disappointment was that I am only going to be in the labor room on the final week due to some changes to the groupings. Probably the only time I can try to do a episiotomy without staying up into the wee hours in the morning in the labor room. Ah, and the certification of my episiotomy can only be done next week. So the earliest I can try to perform an episiotomy will be at the end of next week. SIGH.

Ah, and what happened during episiotomy. This W J is such a kiasu fella, and always robbed everyone of their chance to perform an examination or doing a procedure. I mean, I always like to do procedures and always wants to volunteer myself. Don't get me wrong, I have always despised people whom I had to ask, do you want to do this? do you want to do that? but I at least have the courtesy to give time to other people to volunteer themself before putting myself forward. Not to mention he is a stupid idiot for asking why is the sanitary napkin used after the delivery so huge. =.= Seriously, how can a person who has a girlfriend not know the size of the sanitary napkin they use? I mean you don't have to be engaged in a sexual relationship to even know that seriously. then he started doing all sorts of maneuvering to see how a sanitary napkin should be worn blah blah blah. Seriously, in front of a female obstetrician. How rude can a person be? Seriously, I HATE that.

I just felt a person like that is just a danger to the obstetrics and gynecology ward. SIGH. I know I will be meeting a lot of different people that irritates me in the future, but I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Also, I really love obstetrics, would be great to be one in the future.