PORTFOLIO

Every group argument, every unhappiness, greed, selfishness are exposed in this 6 months because of the single word above.

I have held it in. Every single time a person complains about it, I told myself, no. I'm not going to complain. This is what I've always wanted to do. I will do it well.

But now, it's official. I can't hold it in anymore.

PORTFOLIOSSS. I HATE YOU!!!!

I wanna throw a tantrum. Like the kid, one of my colleague's patient in the ward. I want to throw all the toys given to me. I wanna shout, scream and cry like a baby.

Sigh. The best I can get now is just to roll around my bed and scream and shout. I WANNA GO HOME!!!

Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I am just like everyone else now. Complain. Complain. Complain.

Portfolio I wanna ignore you now. I wanna watch my drama. BLEEEKKKKKKK. Don't wanna care about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:'(. I'm so gonna repeat another 6 months in Batu Pahat. Shit

The end of 2010

In less than a week, I would be saying goodbye to the year 2010!

Well.. this year have been a great year as usual. Though I had to say, crying episodes have increased.

I am at a changing point now where my location for the next 2-5 years would be roughly undecided.

Well, it was a mixture of extreme happiness and extreme sadness I would say I think. I had a superb Christmas, probably one of the best I have ever had :)..

This 2011, I wish I would be another year wiser. I may not be the best person in the world, but I want to do good and I hope I will.

I want to be happy, do things I love to do, and still maximize my time for beneficial things that is purposeful.

This point of time, is also the first time I am considering a non-surgical career. I was beginning to think I don't want to be married to my job. I remembered a pediatrician from Thomas Jefferson University that came to IMU. I was asking him about the lifestyle of his job and surgical stuff. I remembered vividly what he told me. He said," if you still want to be able to go skiing and jungle-trekking, this is the job for you. "

I want to go surfing. I want to go for a yoga retreat. I want to go scuba diving. I still want to teach music.

Maybe sometimes the most miniscule and insignificant reason for doing something would simply be the main reason why some people does things. Of course, considering the fact that I did not do well for my USMLE means I am probably not mentally capable of undertaking the mentally and physically challenging job?

Oh well.. I'll cross the bridge when I reach it.

Anyway, Happy 2011!!! :)

Predictable life

I wanna do something out of the ordinary. Before I surrender my 2 years of life to the ministry of health. I want to go Bali and surf again. It's been more than a year ago.. Am I still able to do it? I sure wish I can! and my sister would take a picture of me surfing towards the shore again..(Oopps she's halfway across the world.. sigh I miss her)

I guess it depends on my financial situation in April.

Gahhh I cannot believe I am pondering for so long over where to choose for Housemanship!! Sigh I've always make quick decisions. :(

Kl Hospitals

Pros

1. Able to stay home- also there's quite a few of them, sungai buloh, selayang, ummc, GH

2. Able to be in KL in case of any USMLE stuff that needs me to go to the embassy

3. Able to continue my music classes.( who knows? I mean, nobody thought that I'll still teach in my final 6 months right?)

4. Able to write the probable best management plan for the patient

5. Able to stay close to family right now as my sis is not here and I might be going away far and a long time

6. Personal reasons

7. Duh , im a city girl

Cons

1. Unable to do any procedure at all(then again, this is only what i've heard, maybe if im aggressive enough, I might be able to beg for 1 or 2)

2. Being a clerk. I would probably still be at the medical student level. May not be in part of the management plan at all.

Non- KL Hospitals

Pros

1. able to do more procedures

2. able to do more procedures

COns

1. conditioning to probable poor management

2. not staying home

3. can't teach anymore :(

4. list goes on and on

Sigh I guess the choice is obvious.

Guardian

I need to be my own guardian angel. :'(

Appreciation

I need to appreciate my slow bloody stupid bradycardic laptop

I need to appreciate my stupid slow phone

I need to appreciate my grandmother and enjoy the continuous non-stop nagging, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

can someone tell me I'm in denial and that my laptop is not working and gonna die soon, and that my stupid slow phone is becoming stupider by the day.

then tell me I need to buy one. Or even better, I need someone to give me one :D.

I kept having the urge of going to the maxis center and in BP mall and buy the god damn iphone4 and order a new macbook air.(that's the danger of having a credit card)

Sigh I am doing and thinking of every single thing in the world and not my school work or portfolio. Or the fact that I am behind my friends in a lot of area in studies and knowledge. Oh well. .. at least I am thinking about it right at this moment.

I need a break. Again.

Lovely weekend

My days are now just revolving around how I feel about you.

The long divali weekend was absolutely... GGRRREEAATTT.. it started great.. ended great...

Started with my on call... delivered one baby boy.. the next afternoon.. (Friday) I drove back to kl to fetch my baobei from the airport

We had a great dinner and a great evening. The only downside was that my mind was filled with images and thoughts and questions that I wasn't able to ask. I ran away. I walked and walked and walked.. That's my weakness. I always want to walk away and want to be found. Sigh. I really hope that I will not have to learn my lesson not walking away the hard way.

Thank you baobei for coming after me. Thank you for not letting me go.

Anyway..Saturday was the usual.. work, rock climbing, shopping.. had my baskin robbins ice cream(no jamoca almond fudge though:( had to take the pralines).

Shopping by myself had made me feel like myself again... :). Bought a book to read.. bought a journal to write in.. Ahh bliss...

After that.. the evening was just ..perfect..

it started with a lovely dinner at Chinoz on the park, KLCC, which in my opinion, was absolutely great. Ambience was perfect, Pizza was great too(only in my opinion :P) yummmmm

After that, we went for the concert, 'Sleeping Beauty' from the Bolshoi by the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra. It was absolutely great.. music was perfect, dancing was astonishing I have to say(I hadn't really seen a ballet performance before). My heart went out to all the ballet dancers' toes and knees. The whole concert was about 3 hours.

Happy sigh.. Thank you...

Neutral

Today I am feeling more neutral.

I have asked several questions that I wanted to ask but he was actually er.. drunk

I recalled the feeling that the initial stages of the relationship. When he first told me he loved me I had a real shock. For me, at that time, it was a bit too soon to fall in love. At that time, he was so protective and calling me and wanting to know where I am and where I was. It was something that comes naturally to him.

Now, I could feel those feeling waning. I don't know if it's me, or is it him. Maybe I have loved more and hence demanded more emotional security. But I am never like that. I have never felt afraid I would be left alone.

Now, it seems that calling me has become a chore. This was what I felt yesterday, however, today morning I felt better. Things that I have asked have been forgotten as well.

Yesterday, or should I say early this morning(post call), I recalled all the things he had did for me, how much tender loving care he has given me, how he would not be afraid of showing his affection for me, even in the public. I recalled the day in Singapore where we were in the restaurant and my feet was aching from all the walking, and he'll just massage my feet. I remembered the day we first met, and I remembered how insecure we both were at the initial stage. Then I remembered again, why did I fall in love with him.

So, for now I still want to be happy with him even though I am and will always be, his 2nd priority.

I'll just pray and hope that every time he's not there when I need him, I'll be stronger and wiser.