I miss you so much

I've missed you so much already...

Counting down to the day that I'm gonna see you again my honey

I know I shouldn't cry, but I just have a fear am not gonna see you again. Just being silly

I love you so much

Flights flights flights

How I wish plane tickets are free.

Sad to know we won't be spending valentine's physically together..

(still trying to figure things out)

Dear Mr Reader of my Blog

Today I reopened a topic that we have discussed previously. But sad to say you didn't respond much. Thought perhaps you were busy or in a bad mood. But again you returned the comment by saying I'm also in a bad mood. Sigh. That's that. That'll never change. You reciprocating my statement and use it back against me

I just wonder if you see my point of view at times. Or put yourself in my shoes. Because I do.

For some reason yesterday you didn't reply my okay. And I fell asleep. I woke up at 215 am noticing no reply from you after 4 hours. Perhaps you were at a dinner meeting. Maybe finally for once my insecurities are gone.

But i flooded you with messages. I wished am confident to know you'll definitely call me to wake me.. sadly am scared you won't.

If i don't whatsapp you again after you not replying the okay will you still text me? I don't feel so confident about that. Scared you'll leave me.

:'(.

Dear Mr Reader of my blog

Dear Mr Reader

Thank you so much for wanting to know my deepest thoughts every day

Thank you for telling me your deepest thoughts every day

Thank you for loving me

I can't wait for our future together and am looking forward to our journey towards it

xoxoxo

Apologize

what else can i say apart from apologising?

i've heard your point of view

did you hear mine?

doesnt' matter what I feel then

it's my fault no matter what

apparently it's okay for you to be angry with me

but not okay for me to be angry with you

but nvm

is okay

my fault anyway

sorry

Blissful..

Every time, after we recovered from a fight ..

I love you even more

And trust you more and more

Love

I just love him too much

I don't wanna lose him

Perhaps i should just keep quiet even though am hurt

Don't create unnecessary argument

Remain silent

Perhaps sometimes it's best to just not say i am hurt

and just keep quiet

and suck it up

Best sushis

best sushis r apparently in south africa

:(

when is the ache gonna go away every time i hear that?

wish i stop being so sensitive all the time

what's wrong with mentioning south africa anyway?

:'(

the biltong, the girl, the sushi, the place

Small accidental references

sometimes those small reference that was made to remind me of his past

i know, the past is the past. but every time those reference was made, accidentally, made me realised, perhaps that was why he fell for her

Sometimes small minor questions just irritates and seemed so unnecessary. Perhaps it's better to just remain silent and forget about it

I wonder why

to move to another country to be with someone is a huge, huge step

I find it super scary and super risky

came across some posts that indicated life after moving to that country isn't great

Suddenly am worried.. what if the same thing happened to me ?

what if I turned crazy too?

Sigh.

It's also not helping that he didn't reply

:'(

Scared

Unfair

Life is just so unfair sometimes right?

you think you planned everything before hand

and have a great deal of discussion

but in the end of the day everyone is selfish

no one would care if you have sacrificed for them

Alone

in the end i feel completely alone

no one actually cares how i feel

I'm stressed about the leave application.

cos the flight ticket is like half my pay check

I don't think i can change the flight ticket, if i do i probably have to pay the whole amount again. which is the total pay

Not that I care about money all that much, sadly my credit card is maxed out and i have to pay rent and pay for my exams

sigh

stop complaining glowing wine

In the end, only this blogs listens. no one at work cares, and other people just get irritated listening to these petty leave problems

am alone in the end anyway

stand up tall and strong

Leave application

How could applying for leave be such a stressful process ?

why every time i asked for leave it became such a huge hassle?

plus it was preplanned so early!

sigh :'(

n the only person I could vent to got irritated :(

What am i supposed to do?

Baileys is the answer

post break up

so apparently after not hearing from me for 5 days.. you decided to just break up with me

apparent schedule incompatibilities

no better explanation even

and after asking for more explanation, you threatened to block me

and then out of the blue

you just blocked me on fb too

I thought I have fear for marriage

but now..

I even have fear for relationships

someone could just come into your life, take your heart away, break it and just disappear.

I don't wanna give my heart away anymore.

maybe we'll be friends? you sound like I'm a little puppy dog waiting to be your friend.

You want my friendship? earn it. Good bye

just realised i could have let go 2 weeks ago

3 times

I've gone home

but u r still too busy to see me, not in KL

so which girl should I be?

The nice me : he is busy, I should be the understanding gf

The logical realistic me: fuck off man

The answer seemed so clear

and when I've decided to move on he comes creeping in.

oh I'm busy

and, oh

apparently me adding his friends on fb is checking on him

you know what? fine i'll delete the request

I don't give a shit anymore

I wanna stop thinking something is wrong with me

in my previous relationship, that guy, kept making me feel like everything was my fault.

now that i am out of it with a clear perspective, i am not sure how did i concluded that when we had arguments it was my fault

anyway, this is the last straw. am gonna stop making effort cos i've done enough, even came to a whole new level of pathetic i think

i deserve some respect

i'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't care, or love me, let alone respect me.

and btw p/s i wasn't even thinking that adding fb friends is a way of checkin on someone, that is not my style and seriously if you think so.. it freakin turns me off

letting go

I've decided to let you go

Think I was in denial.

You actually couldn't be bothered anymore

Just that am holding on to every small one word text thinking you still care

I've tried my best i believe

Reality is, no matter how nice a person i am, there's a line between being nice and just pathetic

have crossed that line months ago

Time to let go

Imaginary boyfriend

I feel like I am seeing an imaginary boyfriend

He's not with me

He doesn't text me much

He doesn't even seem to miss me

He doesn't even seem to want to see me

worse ever urti

This is like the worse ever URTI i ever had.

Sigh. Am glad i went to work today and was chased out by Mr. F

went home feeling a bit woozy and dizzy and had a fever(again ) in the afternoon

Is it me, or is it the spark dying away?

He's just busy right

I know I shouldn't compare, but.. there used to be sparks in my previous relationships.

hmmmm scratch that

well my first relationship, i've totally screwed that up. Plenty of spark there

Second was a total wrong relationship. which reminded me. he has never attended an actual public even with me. not once. well, of course I know why

Should I give this relationship a chance?

Rational me? Yes!

So what if he hasn't asked when am going back to KL? obviously I would tell him if I am

He's obviously busy now and making a career for himself

So what if he isn't always romantic and cheesy and sweet? at least he's mine. As far as I know.

I have to stop thinking about unnecessary things

If it works it works

If it doesn't ? oh well

undecisive

i can't decide about bandung

i can't decide about which room to get

I'm feeling nervous about my decision to accept the offer

i'm feeling nervous about my mrcs part b results

fuck it

I did it again

i did the break up thing again :(

and turned it all over again

sigh

all he replied was a sweet message saying enjoying a few secs of wifi to send a bisou from Makassar, night bus booked for Toraja departing soon, bisons :-)

sigh

after all my ranting

I am happy he replied

But I am not happy that he ignored my discussion

Do i really want to invite this man to my life?

before i embark on the lifelong journey of becoming a surgeon?

R really did gave me a perspective. She told me he's being selfish. I realise how right she is

1036pm

when am i gonna stop feeling sorry for myself

why did u ask me to be your gf when you have absolutely no time for a relationship?

i am so sad :'(

the happiness was short

still sad

it's 10.16 pm
still nothing
i said good night

i am so sad

And i can't even cry

why didn't you try harder to see me?

:'(

what happened to my baby

what happened to him?

sad

He asked if Im still enjoying siem reap!

strange how a simple text fr him could cheer me up

he texted me first!

but.. i was kept on a waiting list to meet him today

it is 910 pm and he still hadn't asked me

I'm sad i can't see him today:'(

maybe he really does have a new gf
:(

pretty pretty please

i just realised i violated a rule for a good gf :(

i wish this time it'll  work out.. trying hard not to text...

Stop texting!

I seriously need to stop texting and pay more attention at work
stop complaining


Dear blog... i'll only complain to you and no one else. No one wants to listen to my stupid stories

Thank you .. sayang

Thank you sayang

Insight

Whats the point of having insight if I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again?

Can I just have some self discipline and stop being such a ridiculous freak?

I know it's rude and ridiculous to continuously text someone

I've done it many times, and have driven people away

but still I do it.

And finally today he told me to stop

and I gave all the breakup talk and then regretted immediately

why do i do that?

sigh

My sister was right. Every couple is different. Some people are just not used to being constantly in touch all the time.

I became this psychotic person sometimes when I am not thinking straight and utter those horrible words. :( it happened again and again and again.

i took those words back, because I knew it was my fault

Hope it'll all be well

Next time. before I utter something on whatsapp I should just blog it out

and my stupid F******* landlord. Am so pissed with her. Insisting that she wants to come no matter how late even though i am super busy in this rotation. bugged me throughout my interview and entrance examination!

n now bugging me about electricity bill (i was giving her another tax bill but somehow the electricity bill got attached to that sigh) and now she thinks I hadn't paid the bill.

I have a feeling, that blithering idiot doesn't know online banking. Insisting that i should go to the payment counter and bring the bill to check.

AUNTIE hello, i have already told you that I am super busy, do you think i can go queue at the counter? i barely even have time to fix a time to meet up with you and the new tenants. smart people like us use online banking now. and you can call them to check your electricity bill , 24 hrs( very impressive SESCO! :) )

She kept going on and on how she should make the payment and if I want the bill to be deducted from my deposit. -.-

glad i found the snapshot of the receipt after making the payment

so angry with her... i hate to say this but,,, auntie... u better wish you'll never have a surgical problem

again and again

why do i have to keep complaining?

why do i have to keep repeating myself?

sigh

why r u with me really?

pre exams

now i know why he's being like this

now i feel totally dumb and silly for being stupid

and am totally annoyed with my parents gah

n yesterday was a totally unproductive day for studying

gahhhhhh

pre exams

now i know why he's being like this

now i feel totally dumb and silly for being stupid

and am totally annoyed with my parents gah

n yesterday was a totally unproductive day for studying

gahhhhhh

Dating 101

it's time for me to start appreciating my boyfriend so that I could stop contemplating all this boring pick up lines

after all the talks and stuff

what do you do?

sure thing they found out about my job

then it'll progress to.. i kept having this thing in my nose, i kept having headache and shoulder ache..  my sister has this, my friend has that.....


sigh


the other turn off..... i think you should settle for other specialty e.g. paediatrics or family medicine, you'll have more time for home and family.........-.-.-.-


glad my boyfriend doesn't do any of this

he'll probably think am an idiot for not seeing the doctor about my knee(which i still hadn't and this is the worse pain i have so far)

he'll also push me to study for my exam

he'll ask me to stop complaining and whining and do something more important lol


lol. sounds silly but I am in love though I kept getting annoyed when i don't hear from him

sigh

so apparently u don't give a shit that I'm going back to kl

:(

me

again i am back to this

Is it a me thing?

Or is just that I hadn't found the right guy?

Or am i just a dissatisfied brat?


I thought I have found the one

I thought I did

but right after he said those three words...

the texting became less

i felt neglected

and I've never realised, that having someone important to me to hold my hand became so important to how i feel.

I felt that he's embarrassed by me.

at the beginning, he said, i should tell him how I feel

but now whenever I did, it became a complaint, instead of an expression of how I feel

I became unsure of how he felt about me anymore

When i said i miss him.. answer is yes

it's only been 3 months now

I don't want to go out with someone who doesn't care about me

claims he does everytime i asked him

but why do i doubt it?

is it because he just doesn't and i couldn't feel it?

or he kept it so so so deep in his heart that i couldn't feel it

sigh

when am i going to stop complaining?

or when am i gonna meet someone to stop me doing that?

i should really study seriously