Letting go...

Finally. After few months of being physically alone but not literally alone, I have finally broken free and am literally single now.

I have been wanting this for a long time, but now that it finally happened, I just felt that I am not as sad as I was supposed to be. Maybe I haven't allow myself to feel it just yet, but right now, I feel free.

It's not that I don't love him you know, but the thing is, I can't see our future together right now. I mean, we're not going to be physically together for the next 4 years, and I and pretty sure after that if I do get a residency in the States(which is all I ever wanted right now) we are not going to be physically together for the next 10 years.

I will be 33 by then.

I thought we can do this, but looks like we can't. Maybe not in this life cause we want different things.

Anyway, I finally feel like I am able to breathe again. Thank you and thank god for the brazillian girl i met here, she's so supportive and I am going to miss her so much in the next rotation.

Oh yeah, and a bit of update here in the States. Everything's been great, it's getting colder and colder, but I am adapting so it's all good. I love the hospital, was a bit disappointed that they did not have any foreign medical graduates here at all doing residency, but I am still going to try!

Did not do any studying at all :(. Have been too excited watching and scrubbing in on surgeries and visiting New York City. I really think, this can be the place for me. Let's just see what happens.

Being a foreign student..

It is definitely a hard thing.

It is not an excuse to now know your way around. Not an excuse to not know what are things called even though you are in a different country.

I am not complaining as I know that this is what I am in for. I know it's going to happen. I just don't understand why some other students feels differently. That they do not deserve to be treated this way. Sigh. I thought that the elective was quite fine till they were complaining. THEN, I had second thoughts. But then, I vowed to do better, I want to be better and prove them wrong.

I want to learn to be more cool and chill. I don't want to be angry for petty reasons as it is just bad for me.

Anyway all this incident reminded me for the frog story Dr. L once told us. That being deaf could be good at times.

And I am still hoping that I will never ever be late. It's like a wish that has not come true sigh.

Manhattan, New York

Amazing, busy, beautiful, shopping heaven. What else can I say? I just still can't really entirely believe I am here and so happy now. Okay I realized I haven't been blogging for a while now, so just an update.

Oh yes, the letter. Received it on the morning at 3 am on the day that I was leaving, which was the 30th October 2009. Phew. Apparently the firewall in the New York State Education Department blocked all my attachment and hence it didn't went through. Anyway, i faxed the documents over and then she finally sent the letter to me.

Anyway, flight was really fast, i was just sleeping the whole way to Amsterdam and from Amsterdam to NYC I just watched The Time Traveller's Wife, and slept a while, and then ARRIVED!

The first week just flew by, everything's great here.. I am able to scrub in and help a little in the morning rounds, though it was really too fast to understand anything. Am now in Urology.. things have been interesting.. though i have to say the most exciting things are really the shopping..

Have been to the empire state building, some museums, central park, times square, broadway, basically all the pictures are on fb.

I have bought so many things and there are so many places that I am planning to go still.. will try to keep things updated. Haven't been studying much though..

Letter of Eligibility

Am going to have the exam for all my minor postings next coming Friday. Trust me, that is not even close to the real worries that I have right now.

Am still really highly stressed about not receiving my Letter of Eligibility now. Not even all the crazy dancing done yesterday give any help. I know I should stop worrying about it. but I really can't help thinking about it.

And I am now worrying about a lot of things, how to impress people so I could get a good letter of recommendation, how to finish reading the things needed for the electives and how am I going to pass the Step 2 CS, worried about how cold is it going to be in New York, and how am I going to manage.

Okay. After publishing this post, I will stop worrying, I will be confident, and do my best. Have faith in myself. Letter will come in time, I will be able to pass my minor posting exam, I will be able to pack everything without forgetting any, I will be able to withstand the cold weather, I will be able to study well, impress people, and pass my step 2 CS exam.

Sorry to the readers who has to listen to my self talk

Out of my mind

I have been acting out of my mind lately. I have been cyber stalking and phone stalking a person I barely know. I have been thinking about it over, and over again that I could go nuts. Today is the first day in 2 weeks i did not sent any freaky sms. Thank god.

Today was a really bad day. It started off bad. I was late again. woke up at 8.05 am class at 8 am. When will I ever learn I really do not know.

I want to be able to wake up myself. I don't want to trouble my friends to wake me. Why is this trivial matter so difficult for me? It is such a small problem!

This whole day i have been depressed for whatever reason I really don't know, there's nothing to be sad about. And to make things worse, I lost my pendrive.

To make things doubly worse, the starter for my room air cond spoiled after the thunderstorm. It was not cured by my ashtanga yoga except that I sweat more cos it was too hot.

To make matters even more, more worse, I just received an email from the New York Education Department saying that they did not receive the attachment I sent 2 weeks ago. =.=' . I was supposed to send them some files as it was required for me to obtain the letter of eligibility in order to do the elective in New York. I have sent them 5 emails in total to ask for the letter after sending the attachments. After 2 weeks and 5 emails only I was told that the attachment was not sent ( I checked my sent mails by the way and I DID send the files) SIGH. I have just tried my very best to attach the 3 files using the sucky internet connection here in Seremban. HOPEFULLY, the attachment arrives.

This day can't get any worse can it?

Mentally relaxed

I just realized that I haven't felt this relaxed since Bali. Immediately after the Semester 7 holidays, things have been moving and moving and moving non stop.

Finally I am now able to blog as I can't fall asleep now anyway.

First it was the successful 1st International Malaysian Medical Students' Conference held by IMU thanks to the great committee members. I really had fun and enjoyed myself and gained experience from the oral presentations. Pictures on fb(Facebook)

Second, after the rushed week in A n E plus all the things that I had to prepare for the US visa, an impromptu decision was made by my fellow housemate to go get our diving license. and Poof, one week of Hari Raya Hols passed by in Tioman and I am now an Open Water Scuba Diver! Can't wait to go diving again.. was told that I had to get proper lessons in swimming and hence immediately after coming back, I have registered myself to go learn swimming. three swimming lessons and I am loving it tremendously

Third, it was all the preparations of the poster for my research to be entered into the IMU research day Competition and also the oral presentations. That took a whole big chunk of time.

Also, the preparations for the Visa really did tire me mentally and took so much of my time. I am so, so glad that is finally done. I can now officially say that I can go to the States for my surgical elective! Still need to wait for one more letter though. But i am really glad everything is falling into place soon. Just that there's one problem. I am so not prepared still for the Step 2 CS

Anyway, after that it was the big 10th IMU anniversary celebration, as usual, I had to play my violin again.. was glad to do that and it was really great thanks to all my colleagues. Oh, and i was really happy too cos I'd won 2nd place in the oral presentation. That was really unexpected.

I think that's all for now. Gotta go to bed. Nite!

Fate

My life has always been always about fate. Had I never went teaching in that music school , I would not have met my bf.

Why does some confessions comes when my heart is most vulnerable? And the painful truth comes out from that confession.

Why do we both have to be online at that wee hours in the morning? Sigh and I still acted so nonchalant when i received that news!

Life is full of CRAP sometimes