I hate it when people kept complaining

I really, really hate it when my grandma kept complaining about how blurred her vision is, how bad her headache is, how unfortunate she is.

I just wanna shake her and said, grandma! you have a good life now. Do you know how many people out there are in more pain than you are? She is on a very good treatment for her Rheumatoid Arthritis now and she just decides to skip it when she's vegetarian. Sigh. There are so many other people who needs it too. But what can I do? She's my grandma.

Sigh. I hate myself for saying that. The pain is probably so real. but the way it's being put into my face every single day really drives me crazy. And the food. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE i will be asked to take something to eat. After I have sat down comfortably in front of the TV. Even dinner. I don't have the freedom of taking what I wanna eat anymore. I have resorted to just ignoring her, because declining her every single time is just too tiring and I need to shout(she's pretty deaf now). And now, I can see the disapproving look from my grand aunt because I ignored my grandma. I couldn't understand. Why am I being commanded to take fish for my grandma? She is very able to take it herself. If you were to keep doing it for her, one day she'll forget how. I just, I can't act like I want to be a good granddaughter in front of someone. I want to be a good granddaughter to my grandma genuinely. Listen to all her stories, talk to her, take her out for a walk outside the housing compound. Now I can't even do that because of the fear that I would be shoved with food(literally) as she literally shoves the food, whatever that's within her reach. And then, she'll say things like, I have purposely kept this for you to eat.. you know. Initially I felt bad, and now.. I just feel numb.

I know right now, as you're reading through my blog, you'll think I'm a huge hypocrite. And I am who I hate. I should be grateful to be living with my grandparents. I want to be grateful. Really. Every morning, I wake up and told myself, okay I won't get angry with my grandma. And then moment I'm downstairs, I'm stressed again. It's just so hard to follow the 90/10 rule I have mentioned in my previous blog!

I hate to be someone I hate. I hate to have that feeling, why don't I just move out? It's just sometimes, all the nagging washed out all the luxuries I had, eg: free laundry, free home-cooked food, beautiful furnished room, pocket money from grandpa.

Just knock some gratefulness in my head.

pessimists, optimists and opportunists

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill (in case there's someone out there who doesn't know who he was... British Orator, Author and Prime Minister during World War II. 1874-1965)

On being told he's a hopeless drunk, he's said to have retorted “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

And to Lady Nancy Astor....
she said: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
he said: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

All Rights Reserved © 2008 EL (e_digitalis)

Cynthia,

Be Strong and don't cry. Everything that breaks your heart and soul will make you a stronger person. Seem to have that happening a lot lately.

I Am Woman

-Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467
-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton


I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Emotionally traumatized

I was sitting at the front as usual and we are having our psychiatry portfolio presentations last Monday.

I had to present the last because my name is the last at the list. So I was just listening to the other 19 people present, checked my phone occasionally and stuff. Others were typing and doing their own portfolio.

When it was finally my turn, which was way after lunch by the way, the lecturer asked me, why are you sitting in front and presenting the last? What's your problem? I had a bit of a shock. Okay, he doesn't like me. So I had to say, well my name is last on the list and that is my usual seat. So he said, oh, why are you all so rigid?

Right. I know he's tired. But I figured it wouldn't take too long. My presentations have always been short and have NEVER been too long. Trust me.

I just presented a few lines. And he gave me a diagnosis that I have never even dreamt about. Sigh. (Definitely failed psychiatry miserably). Then he just started giving me learning issues.

I tried not to think about it and try to brush the thoughts of.

Today, me and some of my colleagues had the discussion again. And guess what, some of my colleagues were shock to hear what he said to me as well.

Looks like, I wasn't that sensitive after all :D. That made my day.

Thank you..

Thank you for waking up early in the day just to text me...

Thank you for getting the biscuits for me...

Thank you for picking me up, for buying me dinner...

Thank you for the love you have showered me...

Thank you for coming into my life.

Boyfriend? Secrets?

You know sometimes when you're in a relationship, you wanna know every single thing about your partner. Not that you're stalking or being possessive, I guess it's just the love that make you wanna know everything about the other part of you. As far as I know and remember, I have never kept any secrets, I have answered all questions.

Of course, I understand that other people might want to keep certain details to themselves. I guess everyone has a different issue that they would like to keep to themselves.

Sigh, but when you know blatantly that something is being kept from you.. plus there were so many other things that can be told be needs to be delayed... It just made me confused.

I guess what I've said previously holds true.. love can only be showed by actions and not words.