A Nerd's Life...

3 months...

2012-01-29T23:21:00.002+08:00

After 3 months

I almost thought pain is less

Thoughts became less

Heart will harden

But it didn't

Tears still fall

Especially on those days

When I need to talk

And realized that can never happen at that moment.

:'(

My heart hurts. still.

I wish.

I wish..

I wish...

Ideal world

2011-12-23T23:29:00.002+08:00

In an ideal world.

the perfect parents. perfect primary school. perfect secondary school. perfect grades.
go to college. meet the love of your life. graduate. start working. start a family.

the perfect world didn't actually seem that hard to achieve.

but it ain't so perfect after all.

u may not have perfect grades. u might break up badly with your college love life. u might not get a job. u might get married start a family. someone screws up and breaks the family apart. or someone screws up but kept it a secret

sigh. why start a family if something like that would happen? Hate being female. hate to be so vulnerable being pregnant, breastfeeding and worrying if he cheats. which apparently almost every man does.

even worse. husband and wife totally devoted to each other but somehow, one person gets sick and faces a life threatening illness. devastating

all these starts from greed, love and lust.

I am such a pessimist now!

I no longer feel like I want to be married and feel insecure all the time.

Then again, if u can't give emotional security to a person you have swore to god you will love and marry. Then don't.

I think when a woman feels insecure, it's not just her own fault and that her hormones are raging. It's the couple as a pair at fault.

Cruel

2011-12-16T22:34:00.002+08:00

That's just cruel isn't it.

I am beginning to wonder whether do i know what is it like to be loved.

I know and understand what you're doing. It's because you love me.

But I wish you could show me your love in other way and not this.

I know you want what's best for me.

But u know what I want. If you can live without ever seeing me again then do that. I can't stop you from feeling that way. I will stay out of your way. Nothing I can do about that.

At least, now i know how cruel can a person be.

Time..

2011-12-16T19:14:00.001+08:00

feel like i have to scrape through whatever little time you have left thrown to me

Love..

2011-12-12T00:43:00.004+08:00

love..

give the one you love freedom

give the one you love happiness.

even if happiness to the one you love means not being with you, let it go

I know this. And I did understand enough how important it is to let go.

But I know, somehow, deep in my heart. There's a feeling that I just can't let go. There's no way my wish will come true. I know that.

I am just going to keep it in my heart. Tuck it away. I will open it up once in a while. But it'll never be gone.

This feeling doesn't need to show up. I just have to keep it locked safely. Secretly hope, one day, that someone will open it and make it come true.

:'(

2011-11-12T16:41:00.001+08:00

How long am i gonna feel sad for?

melodramatic

2011-11-06T22:51:00.004+08:00

can i just stop being so melodramatic and move on?

i want to look strong, feel strong, and not care at all about you since you broke my heart this way

so why now that you're gone, all i want to do is just book a flight and see you?

why is that?

2011-11-06T16:00:00.000+08:00

I miss you so much...

The pain hadn't lessen. In fact it has increased as I have more time to think about it. I am fearing the days ahead. What's gonna happen to my heart. It is in my own hands right now but it feels so vulnerable still. Like a small single ordinary action could just rip my heart out.

Goodbye or a new beginning...

2011-11-01T20:02:00.002+08:00

It happened today. Well.. It is as painful as I thought it would be.

There is a time where I can't imagine my life after today. How would it be. I am no longer crying my heart out but I am still having the choking sensation in my throat when I know I'm not able to see the person I wish to see anytime I want anymore.

The past few months have been so beautiful. I know it has to happen for the good for everyone. But I just.. I kept trying and trying to find a solution. To find an answers to ease my heart and make it better for everyone but I see no way except from me just being hurt on my own.

I am missing... So terribly badly right now. Don't know how the next few months is gonna be.

Helpless

2011-10-16T21:38:00.001+08:00

The time is passing so fast. I am helpless.............

What can I do ????

In time the pain will go away. I know it will

Love

2011-10-13T21:27:00.001+08:00

I don't want to give up on love.

Day by day, the happier I am the more worried I become.

I wish, I wish, I wish. So many impossible wishes. Maybe, I just have to stop being inspired to face the impossible.

Helpless

2011-10-08T16:23:00.000+08:00

Whatever I do now seem to just annoy.

I'm so annoying

:(

2011-09-24T20:59:00.001+08:00

When can I be truly happy again?

Waiting and counting...

2011-09-24T14:54:00.001+08:00

I know the days are coming to an end soon...I just can't stop bursting into tears anymore.

Forgetting my dream

2011-09-13T23:01:00.002+08:00

I just recalled vividly today, the reason that I have chosen this path in my life. I remembered I want to serve the best to the people I met along my way. I want to make everyone who crossed my path feel better, mentally and physically.

I have arrived the pre destination but it was all for the wrong reason.

I remembered clearly the events of the past few days.

Me getting annoyed with the patient for not wanting her medications.

The extreme fatigue I feel at 6.30 am after working nonstop 24 hour shift. And feeling annoyed that a patient's heart stopped.

Sigh.

I am becoming the impassive doctor.

Today after my yoga.. I began reflecting all the past events. My passion for my patients has waned. Dont know if it's due to the lack of interest in this field or it is just simply I am being a unreasonable person. I know everyone feels fatigued at 6.30 am after a 24 hour shift but it doesn't give anyone the right to feel annoyed.

Today, what I have feared for in the past has happened. I feared that I would become someone without emotions due to fatigue from work. I am becoming those house officers that I have seen and didn't like

I am grateful today after the yoga that I have come to this realization early.

I miss myself that would go out of my way to help my patients, colleague and friends. Tomorrow is a new day for me to start again and remind myself who I was 5 years ago and the reasons why I want to be a doctor,

Blessing in disguise.

2011-08-17T00:08:00.001+08:00

I just know.. All these things that happened.. It has to be a blessing in disguise. It has to be. All these pain has to worth something.

This feeling

2011-08-09T19:38:00.002+08:00

This feeling.. Hopefully it'll go away. Before it completely shatters my self confidence. It is reducing day by day. And I am allowing myself to be treated like this because I am blinded.

Please show me the way.

I think it is a test. To test my endurance, and mental and emotional capability to accept whatever shit I get and still smile and love. Maybe it is a preparation for me. To cope with knowing that the most important person to me couldn't care less about what happens to me. Or isn't able to care. Or whatever.

Crying to sleep seem to be the way to fall asleep these days.

Outings

2011-08-09T19:17:00.000+08:00

So fun going out for outings. Me? I'm just here in the corner. Existence seem so insignificant now. Seem like I hv been totally forgotten. Y_Y. Why are you so stupid??.. Stupid stupid glowing wine. You're the stupidest person I've ever met

Endless Love

2011-08-07T22:12:00.003+08:00

Give me one last smile. will you?
As you know, tears aren't antidote
Worried that you'll have to walk alone in the future
Love becomes a vast sky till eternity
The world will come to an end but we can always look back and be more gentle
Able to speak out innumerable words
Frowning but eventually have to let go

Forget about the uncalled for guilt
it's sufficient to remember that you have loved before
there is no never ending wish for one person has always to leave first
forget about the time of falters but do not forget that tears will not flow in vain
there is no never ending possession, but the cherishing memory in your heart
Finally it will become eternity

Can't wait

2011-08-07T20:45:00.000+08:00

I really, really, really can't wait

7 more days..

2011-08-07T18:23:00.001+08:00

My heart is heavy.

A song from the past and present

2011-08-07T02:46:00.006+08:00

新不了情
心若倦了,
xin ruo juan le
If your heart is weary,
泪也乾了,
lei ye gan le
And your tears are all dried up.
这份心情,
zhe fen xin qing
This feeling,
难舍难了。
nan she nan liao
Is hard to relinquish or forget.
曾经拥有,
ceng jing yong you
I once used to have,
天荒地老,
tian huang di lao
All the time in the world.
已不见你,
yi bu jian ni
But I haven’t seen you,
暮暮与朝朝。
mu mu yu chao chao
For many nights and many days.
这一份情,
zhe yi fen qing
This love,
永远难了,
Is forever difficult to resolve.
愿来生还能,
yuan lai sheng hai neng
I hope in our afterlife,
再度拥抱。
zai du yong bao
We can embrace again.
爱一个人,
ai yi ge ren
Loving someone,
如何斯守到老,
ru he si shou dao lao
How do you remain faithful till you’re old?
怎样面对一切,
zen yang mian dui yi qie
How do you face everything,
我不知道。
wo bu zhi dao
I do not know.
回忆过去,
hui yi guo qu
Reviewing the past,
痛苦的相思忘不了,
tong ku de si xiang wang bu liao
The painful memories are unforgettable.
为何你还来,
wei he ni hai lao
Why do you come then,
拨动我心跳。
bo dong wo xin tiao
To make my heart race.
爱你怎么能了,
ai ni zen me neng liao
How is it possible to stop loving you?
今夜的你应该明了,
jin ye de ni ying gai ming liao
Tonight, you should understand,
缘难了情难了。
yuan nan liao qing nan liao.
It is difficult to escape fate, just as it is difficult to dissolve love

i miss you

2011-08-07T01:53:00.000+08:00

Again

4 more days

BROKE

2011-08-07T00:52:00.001+08:00

i am officially broke for the next few months.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Another 8 more days?

2011-08-07T00:11:00.000+08:00

It is bitter and sweet

Should i let the bitterness and sweetness go?

in 8 days?

:'(

:(

2011-08-05T20:14:00.001+08:00

I really really wish i can talk to him right now.

I wish someone would understand how i feel right now. and say the right things.

9 days

2011-08-05T18:42:00.002+08:00

Another 9 days.

Wish it would be longer.

My heart still aches.

I still hear those two words echoing in my brain at random times.

The words that I hope would be the most hurtful words I've ever heard.

Don't think I can handle anything even more hurtful than that

I know it'll all be okay at the end.

I know one day when these thoughts came back, I don't have to control my tears anymore because it will all be ok.

It will all be ok

It will all be ok.

Please be ok.

Aches and burns

2011-08-05T00:21:00.001+08:00

My heart aches and burns

Only time can heal this wound.

Please let my broken heart be opened again.

I will always love you...

2011-07-31T21:02:00.001+08:00

I wish I felt loved again

I wish I felt wanted again.

Because that's how I feel. I want him and I love him.

What has changed? Did I change? My feelings did not change. But the gestures I have gotten from him is different.

I am not the important one anymore.

And it hurts to feel like my existence is no longer important or even worse, even if I misunderstood, it is just left to be and no more explanation.

Even if my actions were misunderstood, I seem to be the only one who cares. Why did it became like this? Why you don't seem to care anymore?

Or is all these done to make the separation easier? Is that necessary?

My soul mate no longer talks to me anymore and i felt like, a stranger has taken over his soul. Someone who couldn't care less.

Maybe. The simple explanation is that. He just doesn't love me anymore. That hurts. It hurts me. It hurts my pride.

What happened to us? I thought we'll always be friends. But right now, I feel like I need to prick and pry every single time

Hate the fact that he is tired over me.

Hate the fact that he had ever doubted my love

Even though I asked many times. I never doubt the love he has. Even though there were no messages at all.. I would still bug and ask, but deep down I just know and remember what he said, that ill always love you no matter if we are far apart.

Hate the fact that I have to beg and beg and sk what his innermost feel or thoughts are. He just simply won't talk to me anymore, nothing nothing nothing. Y_Y. What did I do wrong? I have only love and take whatever hurtful things that happen and swallow it.

Heart

2011-07-18T11:11:00.000+08:00

My heart is aching

Let it be

2011-07-17T11:11:00.001+08:00

Can I just let it be until we are no longer physically in the same location anymore?

Another day

2011-07-17T06:30:00.002+08:00

I can feel it coming. Early awakening. Increased sleep.

I am grateful that I still have a place to spill my feelings.

However unimportant I am, however insignificant my thoughts and feelings were, at least here I am able to dictate what I say or do.

I wish things can be fairer.

I wish I didn't have to feel this way about a good news. Because it makes me feel evil and I dont like that.

I want to know. What is the purpose of giving this test to me. To test my durability? I know I will see it in the future. The reason why all these right now is so hard.

Whatever it is, I hope one day, it will all be okay. Please let it be ok. Please. I don't think i have begged or wanted something so badly that I can lower my pride and beg so much for something like this.

This is not me.

I miss my confident self. Everything is gone. My confidence, my pride, my wisdom. Please let me win it back.

A sheet of brown paper

2011-07-16T12:30:00.001+08:00

I receive a brown sheet of paper that includes the temple and also his number. Is that a sign?????

I have so many mixed feelings. I can feel strongly on one side and also another. What am I gonna do. The love story is gonna end soon. Am I still inspired to face the impossible? I don't know.

HMM.....

2011-06-24T00:18:00.000+08:00

Another less than 3 days more to go...

2011-06-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

Maybe the story will end tomorrow.

Hurt.

2011-06-14T19:43:00.003+08:00

I didn't know it can hurt so bad at places I don't even know exist

Sometimes, being able to let go of something makes you seem a little cruel but it makes your life easier.

Unfortunately, I am deeply emotionally connected to all the things I see, to all the people I know, and to my patients. That is why I feel. That is what drives me everyday. That's where my passion came from.

I am so predictable, yet so difficult to understand I know.

Saying things and informing things doesn't make things easier. It just makes the transition smoother. Telling a family member that their loved ones are dying doesn't make it easier for them. It makes it easier for the person who is telling.

Just like telling me you're unable to come. It doesn't make it easier for me. It just makes it easier for you to say, hey I already told you that.

Yeah I understand the situation, but I don't think the insight is there to realize the big picture and the big problem. Me, I have the insight but not the will to fulfill or inform to guide to the right path.

Me? I am disappointed in myself because I am not able to fulfill what is expected of me.

I am not able to make the one I love understand.

I am disappointed that my absence from someone's life will not make any difference at all. I probably thought too highly of myself, as usual.

For the first time in my life, I finally feel like. Please. can someone show me the light and tell me what to do. I've tried everything I know but I still can't solve this problem as I am still too much blinded.

I also know, the longer this lasts, the more blame it would be placed on me in the future no matter who started this. I also know I would be hated for something that was not started by me.

I pray that, I would be a wiser person. I pray that light would be shown on my path.

I just feel like, I am a stray fish that is gasping for breath and sometimes feels happy because a passerby threw me some bread. Passerby just threw some extra leftover bread from the remainings after feeding the aquarium.

2011-06-14T17:19:00.001+08:00

How much more happiness can be sucked out from me?

How much more disappointments can I take?

I am tired of being redundant

2011-06-12T23:02:00.001+08:00

I wish something can be done

Persistence

2011-06-09T01:36:00.002+08:00

Somehow some things just choose to remain that way even though the future looks bleak.

Somehow sometimes I don't know why, I just seem to swallow and tolerate whatever shit that was given to me.

What does it exactly mean when you meet someone that can alter your emotions so drastically based on a single action?

I really do wonder how certain stories will unfold. And I am really curious as to how this story would unfold itself. Of course, I already know the outcome. Just how it twists itself would be the interesting part.

I don't believe in praying but, I wish every single one of us, all the 4 person, would achieve effortless and eternal happiness.

Mornings..

2011-04-19T00:32:00.003+08:00

Am always looking forward to waking up in the morning receiving your text msg.. :)

Am happy for the honesty you showed me

Am thankful for coming into my life and making it colorful. The dark and grey colors makes the bright ones even more brighter.

Thank you trying to make my grey days bright. You may not feel it's of any use, but it means everything to me. I just can't express it at that moment.

I have learned so much from you.

I hope the time stops at the moment we're together.

Another wave of sadness

2011-04-16T05:05:00.001+08:00

:'(. Pictures like this make my heart ache

Holiday and Shopping

2011-04-07T09:27:00.002+08:00

AAhhhhhh I am currently in London. Can't stop thinking of my beloved ones back home and also friends and colleague who are currently in Malacca having the induction and starting work real soon..

Anyway, just got back from a trip fully planned by my beloved sister which was fanttabulous!!!!! A-mazing. I saw so much, learnt so much, walked so much, aannnnnddddd SHOPPED so much!!!!!!

GOSH!!!

1. Countless tops (tops from H& M, Barcelona etc

2. 1 long champ handbag(proud of myself for only purchasing one bag so far hehehe!! :D)

3. 4 pair of shoes(1 wedge from ugg, 1 flats from zara, 1 heels from clarks, 1 heels from poetic license london- I think I have gone absolutely mad)

4. 3 dresses( 2 from H&M 1 from Morgan)

5. 1 pair of jeans

6. 3 perfumes(1 britney spears, 1 flora gucci, 1 bvlgari)

7. books from museums and gifts from museums

8. Countless shirts for souvenirs

I lost track of my accounts after the 3rd day here.

And I am gonna spend another 8 more days in LONDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG~~~

Broke and unemployed.

OMG

2011-03-23T16:52:00.002+08:00

I am seriously going absolutely crazy!!!!!

Sigh.

This all started last Monday(14/3). I sent my application for the certificate to practice medicine in the Mid Valley post office after meeting up with my friend DJ. I had all the certs signed and the application stamped and stuff. I had used the registered post service.

2 days later, I discovered that i did not send my bank draft!!! Left it in the printer where I am making a photocopy of it. Panicky, I have decided that I will send it by pos laju the next day.

18/3- i sent my bank draft along with all my photocopied application letters. This time I used the pos laju service and prayed hard. Initially I called the MMC(Malaysian Medical Council) to inform that I have forgotten to include my bank draft and that I had sent it. Naturally the lady was irritated with me. I tried calling the pos office to see if my original application had arrived and they told me that it'll only arrive on the 22nd of march :(. Fine.

I live in peace throughout the weekend and continue studying peacefully for my usmle

then comes 22/3. I called the post office to check if my registered post have arrive and that guy told me, it'll arrive within this week.. I was like .. WTF??? I sent my post last MONDAY!!! that was over a week ago!!! it is supposed to arrive within 3-5 working days. What the f******* hell is that? I gave it to the guy on the phone and demand that I need to know where my mail is. How can it be a registered post if the I can't be sure where my mail is??AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. He said he'll try to find out and will give me a reply within 3 LONG days.

Then comes 23/3. I called the post office but it was engaged. Hence I tried calling the MMC again. Now. she asked me to check with the arrivals of department to see if my letter has arrived. FIne. Called and said apparently it has arrived. Then I called the actual department and she told me the bank draft is here with all these photocopy. And she said that those cannot be processed and I will need to send in the original forms which, at that time I believe the post has not arrive. She told me to keep quiet at home and wait for her query letter asking where are my original forms and stop calling 10 times. (god she's a f******* B*****). Sigh.

Then, I received a call from the post office saying that the application has been sent and arrived at the MMC on the 18th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh. Do I call back the MMC again?

Another wave of depression....

2011-03-23T14:12:00.002+08:00

Again another wave of depression...

what do i do?

I know in 10 years time, I might look back and laughed at myself. Look back and realized how much time I have wasted feeling sad about this whole situation.

Maybe the time has come? Has it?

Brain overload

2011-03-21T14:24:00.001+08:00

I still have so many questions to do!!!

and my brain is filled with all the nitpicky details that I might not remember under pressure. It felt like if i just shake my head that piece of info will fall out from my ear.

I am just about to scream

Today I am grateful for

2011-03-18T15:39:00.003+08:00

The wonderful hug I received when I am crying and down and upset from a beautiful person.

Stupidity

2011-03-16T17:58:00.002+08:00

My stupidity amazes me sometimes.

And the fact that I am blogging about this and wasting more time about it makes me feel even more stupider. Then again, sometimes people do stupid things to feel better.

I am now in the midst of studying for my USMLE and had to do some paper work to start working in May.

I was supposed to send an application for the provisional registration and guess what, I forgot to send the bank draft along with my other application!! It was left in the photocopy of my home printer!!!. Sigh. Good thing I tried to print something yesterday and discovered that. The good thing that came out of this is that, I discovered it earlier and mailed the bank draft at the very next morning. Sigh.

Now, I am very much seduced by the iPad2. I am very, very attracted to you iBook. Imagine, reading nicholas sparks on the ipad. No need to bring anymore story books!!! WOW...I have a very huge feeling, once I received my first pay, it will be a ipad soon..... wooohooo!!!!

I wish

2011-03-11T02:10:00.002+08:00

I wish...

I wishhh

I wishhhhh

I am scared and don't know what to wish for. I am afraid that my wish could come true and something bad will happen.

I don't want to be in this shit hole. Is it because I am thriving on the drama?

Of course I know he's not the knight and shining armor. What he's doing is wrong.

I am supposed to stop him from doing it because I love him. But, unfortunately, like every other women in my situation, I am unable to stop him. Or stop myself.

I know I had it under control most of the times. But at times like this, I felt terrible and I don't know what to do. Give me the strength and wisdom and stop rationalizing.

Give him the strength and wisdom and stop rationalizing

Most of all, I wish one day, both of us have the strength to do what is right and that is when, happiness is no doubt a feeling that would come naturally, where a smile does not have to be faked, or a sad feeling will not need to be physically pushed away.

Show me the path to end my craving and end my suffering.

Study

2011-03-10T15:29:00.001+08:00

Gosh. It's official. I am absolutely SICK of studying

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Prelude to a New Beginning...

2011-03-09T15:29:00.003+08:00

Finally, the long awaited dream has finally arrived!! I am finally, finally a doctor!

Exam went on as usual, have been hoping so, so hard that I'll just pass and be a good person, a good doctor.

Most importantly, I wish I could make a difference, no matter how small, for the better for all people who crossed my path in the future. I hope, that my vision and aspiration that I had on the first day of medical school will continue to hold true till the day I stop practicing medicine.

This have been, I would say, a pretty long 5 years for me. Many things have changed, I have grown emotionally and physically. I believe and hope that the growth and feelings that I have learnt throughout this years would help me in my future carrier.

Anyway, today I went to my high school to get my certificates certified true copy for the application of my provisional registration. Naturally, I've met up with all my high school teachers whom I have missed so much.

Meeting my form 6 maths teacher, makes me sad as I knew that she lost a son, a fellow doctor last year just finishing his housemanship. This brought back all the sad, nostalgic emotions last year when I first found out that he passed away after a tragic drowning. This make me again think and remind myself that life is short. Live life to the fullest(quoted from K :))

Most teachers looked the same, never looked like they've aged at all!! Me on the other hand probably looked 10 years older.

They all have the same question for me. When am I getting married?

hmmmm... I know some people already found their life partners. Then again, I have just lived a quarter of my life. How will I know who am I supposed to be with for the next 3 and a half quarter of my life now? Well. I have met someone who could be the one for me. But, I am not the one for him. What can I do?

Anyway, now I am again in the midst of exam, preparing for another exam. Hope all goes well and then I will be able to finally enjoy my holiday and meet my sister!!!!! God I miss her so much.. Can't wait to see her and the place that she's studying, and the place that she lives now.

I will be leaving Malaysia for about 3 weeks. And again I wonder what will happen in this 3 weeks. I hope and wish with all my heart, that the relationship I am in now would remain and will not fade because of the time and distance. Cos I know, I would be heartbroken.

Palpitations...

2011-02-20T21:18:00.002+08:00

I am shaking my legs... non-stop.

I am usually calm before exams. But this time... still the same :D. However, I just redid my study table for the USMLE, and suddenly, I have palpitations !!!! Wahhhhh the amount of things I need to complete in a day. MY GOD. Sigh. That's because I am hoping, I will have one day free one week. To relax. Hope the one day free would be worth while.

Pray. I hope. It will work out.

Fungry

2011-02-20T03:27:00.001+08:00

How can I be possibly hungry at this hour?

Am supposed to be sleeping about 3 hours ago.

Am having music lessons tomorrow

And did I forget to mention, my finals is next Wednesday?

MYGOD

k. Right. Am gonna grab some food

Why do I annoy you?

2011-02-18T21:30:00.002+08:00

I do that because I love you. I wish you mean things that you say and wish that you never lie. I am scared when I hear you talking that way. Literally.

Of course I know what will make you annoyed. I know those things I said would make you annoyed. but I am beginning to feel that I am another extra thing in your life and not what makes your life colorful anymore. Because I am no longer someone or something you're afraid to lose. I am probably something that you can cuddle and love and then throw away without any burden.

I am afraid to ask because I know you'll be annoyed. But is that how things is supposed to be? Aren't we supposed to be able to talk about everything?

I don't know how you feel because I'm not you. But somehow I wish you don't get annoyed so easily.

Then maybe you wouldn't have approached me in the first place. And then make me do things that would annoy you.

Sigh. The best would be, that I can walk away. I know, I know. It's my fault for not being able to walk away. Told myself that many times. Then you don't have to entertain this big fat colorful balloon that is deflated and colorless now.

You know sometimes words you say makes people afraid. And sometimes, when a person is afraid, they then to say even more things that makes you annoyed.

I have tried so many times rationalizing that I have said or done the wrong things and that you were right. In the end, I would be the one who is hurt and alone and you will be walking away being the right one. And I was the delusional one.

I kept telling myself. I want to fix you. Because I love you. I know that, all you want is to be happy. But I am no longer able to make you happy anymore I think. No matter what I say or do, it makes you annoyed. Because I am hoping, somewhere in the line, I can be happy too. I am such a failure.

I am a failure

I am a pathetic, ugly, failure

Karma

2011-02-18T21:22:00.002+08:00

Why do you let me feel this way if you love me?

Ans: We should break up.

And my own pathetic self would relent.

And give in.

Do you know life is too short to get annoyed with people who loves you.? Save the energy getting annoyed and ask yourself why the person ask you that. If someone who truly loves you annoys you, ask yourself, why did that person do that. How could you say those harsh things to someone you love? Does that mean you don't actually love?

Karma reflects in many ways. The hurt that you give to someone would reflect in other ways you know. That, I should tell myself. Don't do that. Be calm. Do the right thing.

Don't go out with someone who would break up with you just when you're asking why let you feel this way.

Don't let that person take over what you know is right. And twist words and make what you did wrong and what he did right.

I have learned the lesson the hard way. Please let me put it right. Please help me find the strength and courage to put things right. And stand up again.

Possessed...

2011-02-14T15:21:00.002+08:00

In 8 days, I will be facing the final exam in my medical school years(hopefully it IS the final).

I had a 1 month study break for this exam and throughout this period, I am supposed to revise my portfolios, study and revise all the major rotations. Practice as well of course.

3 weeks had elapsed. I hadn't read a single portfolio. I hadn't properly revised all the major rotations. Bwuahahahahhaaha.

That's my crazy, panicky inside but try not to look panicky self.

I am always in front of my laptop, trying to do some USMLE revision(am sitting for that exam soon too)

However, I am only obsessed about one particular thing. BEAUTY.

I have been reading a lot, haircare, skincare, bags. I never get tired reading it and am eager and excited to buy all the stuff and try it.

I think I should have been a beautician and not a medical student. Even better, can I be both? :P

And btw, Happy Valentine's Everyone!! :D

Happy CNY

2011-02-02T00:38:00.002+08:00

I shld be happy. I am going back to my hometown tomorrow... see all my cousins.

Unfortunately.. I am drowning in the hurt that I have brought myself into.

I know it's selfish. But will you stop doing this? I am hurt by it. :'(

:(

2011-02-01T16:22:00.003+08:00

I don't want to be sad too. Why does things have to be like this. Will everything be okay by just smiling?

Happy on the surface.

Please save me.

Nightmare

2011-01-31T17:09:00.002+08:00

The nightmare was so vivid.

Sigh I don't need a sign to tell me what I am doing is the right or the wrong thing. I already know.

I don't want to think but when my mind is at the most relaxed moment, it creeps into it.

I'm scared.

Depressed

2011-01-26T21:11:00.003+08:00

Yesterday when I was packing and cleaning my room in my home.. I felt like myself again.

However, the feeling did not last long. I am depressed.

I want to be loved again. What happened to all the spark? Does a guy really just fall in love for 6 months and then able to forget about everything after that?

Sigh. Maybe my dad is right. I should have been a guy

I remember

2011-01-19T02:14:00.001+08:00

Oh...
Remember...
Oh, I remember...
I wanna know...

Where were you when I said I loved you?
And where were you when I cried at night?
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you.
Thinking of all the times we shared.

[Chorus:]
I remember when my heart broke.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
I was sad and lonely.
I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I screamed I hated you.
But somehow deep inside still loving you.
Sad and lonely.

No one knew all the pain I went through.
All the love I saved deep in my heart for you.
Didn't know where I would go, where I would be.
But you made me leave.
And plus my heart it just, it just kept telling me so.

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
There was nowhere else to go, oh.
Nobody else to turn to, no.
For the rest of my life, I promised myself I will love me first genuinely.

[Chorus]

I remember when I walked out.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
My heart couldn't take no more of you.
So sad and lonely, hey.
I remember when I stormed out.
I remember when I gave up loving you.
I was sad and lonely.

It's over

2011-01-19T01:26:00.003+08:00

Why say you'll call and then not call to avoid argument? The argument started when I asked why didn't you call. How come it became an issue whether to call? why didn't I call? Because I know I would be told to wait. Why has it stooped this low? Maybe love has faded. I should have expected it but I can't get used to it. I have fallen asleep but I know we'll talk soon. I assumed you'd want to hear my voice. And I wanted to hear yours. So I try not to sleep and wait. Wait for you to brush your teeth. I was happy and glad to finally talk. But it just ended in tears. God it's such a f***ing small issue.

I have waited and waited. And words like, you can sleep through tomorrow but I have to work. So we can't talk. Wah. Be careful with words, think of what you do. I have never ever said I have no time for you. Don't forget what happened in the past. I have never always been this free anyway. When did I become the girl that you can't talk because you have to work or too tired to have an argument from a girl that you'd drive 400 km a night just to see and many 3-hour bus ride? I guess, love fades. Why? my attitude.

Sorry? Is only said when being asked. Seem to happen a lot these days.

Like I said, why make me happy when you're with me and make me feel like shit when we're not? Simple things can be practiced. Say that you love him/her when you argue. I did. But no response. Then somehow or rather the argument is still my fault. Refer to number 1. How many times have I swallowed my pride to give in?

You'll be only happy if I am happy? I think, you're happier without me.

Maybe this is part of your plan. You're finally making me hate you consistently. By taking away slowly the small things that you always do for me to make me happy. Maybe I would be finally able to walk away. Without turning my head back. Maybe the tears and sadness will finally stop.

Friends

2011-01-18T20:29:00.003+08:00

Have patience.

Sometimes people tend to repeat the sad things and say them repeatedly. That's a way to lessen the sadness. If you are a friend to someone, listen. Saying can we not discuss this anymore and say we have talked about this many times is DEFINITELY not a way to show that you're a good friend/gf/bf/family member.

I want to be this person. I fight with my mom. I am upset with her. But, no matter how angry I am, I still love her. And I will make sure I try to say that so that she'll know even though I am angry, I still love her.

It would be nice to tell your friend/gf/bf that you still love them(only if you do). Because arguments hurt. And that can break a person's heart and mind. That can also make the person feel unwanted, hurt, and unloved. So, don't forget to say your true feelings no matter how annoyed, unhappy or angry you are.

WHY

2011-01-17T19:10:00.002+08:00

Why do you make me fall in love with you?

why did you make me happy when you're with me?

why did you say those things at first and then now regret them?

why when i cry, it's me who made myself sad and it's my fault?

why do i still turn my head back when I know it'll never end and just be dragged on with tears?

Another day...

2011-01-17T13:41:00.002+08:00

Another day has passed.

Another day that I am sad.

I want to be happy too.

I want to live again

I want to stop wasting time and do my work

Spend time with my family and people who will always appreciate and cherish me

I can choose to be happy but I can't choose the thoughts that comes to my mind.

I have gone absolutely mad.

I want to go away and never come back.

I want my dignity back.

Allergies..

2011-01-14T02:25:00.001+08:00

Sigh I kept having allergies.

Hate the pizza face I have now. what's worse, it's so itchy that i want to rip my skin out

2011-01-13T19:44:00.001+08:00

Perfect nightmare

Sometimes we fight
Sometimes I cry
Why don't I
Just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should
But sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to
Say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate
Sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait
For him to change
But it's okay
I've disguised the pain
And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Yeah

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep my cool
Sometimes I let him know
Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe
Sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that i'm ready to let him go
But I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-nightmare-lyrics-shontelle.html ]

Ohh ohhh

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing
But i'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave
Help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

2011-01-13T18:40:00.004+08:00

Relationships

At times I do wonder, shouldn't there be certain rules in a relationship? Especially when there's an argument. Sometimes, argument can be so ridiculous that people get offended with every small miniscule detail.

The person who can actually follow the rule would be people who are levelheaded, calm and collected.

Rule #1

When somebody said something that hurts you, you shouldn't be the one to call back. Why?

1. Because if you called, you are swallowing your pride,

2. You are convincing yourself that you are wrong and the other is right.

3. You are also making it clear to the other person that no matter how hurt you are, and no matter how much terrible things are said to you that makes you repel back, you will run back to his side and call again.

This will show how pathetic you are. And how desperate you are.

Of course, the other person would be confident, cocky and know that you're gonna call back.

I have always thought that I am the confident, cocky person. I have always been like that in the past for years.

I always knew, he will call. Now, it turns out karma has hit me straight on the face. I am ALWAYS the one who call back. ALWAYS.

This has not only made me ultra broke(Cos I have purchased some stuff and will have to pay it and hence I have to try to really save), but it also made me hate myself, pity myself and irritated with myself.

But when you call back, and then he apologized, what does that mean? Did he apologize because he knows that's what I want to hear or he is truly sorry? Bear in mind that, YOU are the one who called, not him. He DID NOT call to apologize. YOU called to say some stupid thing.

Hence, to make things less complicated, if he hurt you, don't call back. It is not worth it.

HOWEVER, there is another situation. If you argued, and you didn't speak for 3 days as you want to wait for him to call. You'll be in misery for 3 days if you are a girl. The misery can be awful. It can involve your family, your friends, your colleague, even your students!(if you're a teacher that is). You can't think, you can't work. At times like this, how you wish you can compartmentalize your brain. Put all the misery in a drawer, close it and lock it.

2010-12-29T19:25:00.002+08:00

PORTFOLIO

Every group argument, every unhappiness, greed, selfishness are exposed in this 6 months because of the single word above.

I have held it in. Every single time a person complains about it, I told myself, no. I'm not going to complain. This is what I've always wanted to do. I will do it well.

But now, it's official. I can't hold it in anymore.

PORTFOLIOSSS. I HATE YOU!!!!

I wanna throw a tantrum. Like the kid, one of my colleague's patient in the ward. I want to throw all the toys given to me. I wanna shout, scream and cry like a baby.

Sigh. The best I can get now is just to roll around my bed and scream and shout. I WANNA GO HOME!!!

Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I am just like everyone else now. Complain. Complain. Complain.

Portfolio I wanna ignore you now. I wanna watch my drama. BLEEEKKKKKKK. Don't wanna care about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:'(. I'm so gonna repeat another 6 months in Batu Pahat. Shit

2010-12-27T16:19:00.002+08:00

The end of 2010

In less than a week, I would be saying goodbye to the year 2010!

Well.. this year have been a great year as usual. Though I had to say, crying episodes have increased.

I am at a changing point now where my location for the next 2-5 years would be roughly undecided.

Well, it was a mixture of extreme happiness and extreme sadness I would say I think. I had a superb Christmas, probably one of the best I have ever had :)..

This 2011, I wish I would be another year wiser. I may not be the best person in the world, but I want to do good and I hope I will.

I want to be happy, do things I love to do, and still maximize my time for beneficial things that is purposeful.

This point of time, is also the first time I am considering a non-surgical career. I was beginning to think I don't want to be married to my job. I remembered a pediatrician from Thomas Jefferson University that came to IMU. I was asking him about the lifestyle of his job and surgical stuff. I remembered vividly what he told me. He said," if you still want to be able to go skiing and jungle-trekking, this is the job for you. "

I want to go surfing. I want to go for a yoga retreat. I want to go scuba diving. I still want to teach music.

Maybe sometimes the most miniscule and insignificant reason for doing something would simply be the main reason why some people does things. Of course, considering the fact that I did not do well for my USMLE means I am probably not mentally capable of undertaking the mentally and physically challenging job?

Oh well.. I'll cross the bridge when I reach it.

Anyway, Happy 2011!!! :)

2010-12-16T00:21:00.002+08:00

Predictable life

I wanna do something out of the ordinary. Before I surrender my 2 years of life to the ministry of health. I want to go Bali and surf again. It's been more than a year ago.. Am I still able to do it? I sure wish I can! and my sister would take a picture of me surfing towards the shore again..(Oopps she's halfway across the world.. sigh I miss her)

I guess it depends on my financial situation in April.

Gahhh I cannot believe I am pondering for so long over where to choose for Housemanship!! Sigh I've always make quick decisions. :(

Kl Hospitals

Pros

1. Able to stay home- also there's quite a few of them, sungai buloh, selayang, ummc, GH

2. Able to be in KL in case of any USMLE stuff that needs me to go to the embassy

3. Able to continue my music classes.( who knows? I mean, nobody thought that I'll still teach in my final 6 months right?)

4. Able to write the probable best management plan for the patient

5. Able to stay close to family right now as my sis is not here and I might be going away far and a long time

6. Personal reasons

7. Duh , im a city girl

Cons

1. Unable to do any procedure at all(then again, this is only what i've heard, maybe if im aggressive enough, I might be able to beg for 1 or 2)

2. Being a clerk. I would probably still be at the medical student level. May not be in part of the management plan at all.

Non- KL Hospitals

Pros

1. able to do more procedures

2. able to do more procedures

COns

1. conditioning to probable poor management

2. not staying home

3. can't teach anymore :(

4. list goes on and on

Sigh I guess the choice is obvious.

2010-12-03T13:41:00.000+08:00

Guardian

I need to be my own guardian angel. :'(

2010-11-10T20:41:00.003+08:00

Appreciation

I need to appreciate my slow bloody stupid bradycardic laptop

I need to appreciate my stupid slow phone

I need to appreciate my grandmother and enjoy the continuous non-stop nagging, day and night, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

can someone tell me I'm in denial and that my laptop is not working and gonna die soon, and that my stupid slow phone is becoming stupider by the day.

then tell me I need to buy one. Or even better, I need someone to give me one :D.

I kept having the urge of going to the maxis center and in BP mall and buy the god damn iphone4 and order a new macbook air.(that's the danger of having a credit card)

Sigh I am doing and thinking of every single thing in the world and not my school work or portfolio. Or the fact that I am behind my friends in a lot of area in studies and knowledge. Oh well. .. at least I am thinking about it right at this moment.

I need a break. Again.

2010-11-07T22:04:00.002+08:00

Lovely weekend

My days are now just revolving around how I feel about you.

The long divali weekend was absolutely... GGRRREEAATTT.. it started great.. ended great...

Started with my on call... delivered one baby boy.. the next afternoon.. (Friday) I drove back to kl to fetch my baobei from the airport

We had a great dinner and a great evening. The only downside was that my mind was filled with images and thoughts and questions that I wasn't able to ask. I ran away. I walked and walked and walked.. That's my weakness. I always want to walk away and want to be found. Sigh. I really hope that I will not have to learn my lesson not walking away the hard way.

Thank you baobei for coming after me. Thank you for not letting me go.

Anyway..Saturday was the usual.. work, rock climbing, shopping.. had my baskin robbins ice cream(no jamoca almond fudge though:( had to take the pralines).

Shopping by myself had made me feel like myself again... :). Bought a book to read.. bought a journal to write in.. Ahh bliss...

After that.. the evening was just ..perfect..

it started with a lovely dinner at Chinoz on the park, KLCC, which in my opinion, was absolutely great. Ambience was perfect, Pizza was great too(only in my opinion :P) yummmmm

After that, we went for the concert, 'Sleeping Beauty' from the Bolshoi by the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra. It was absolutely great.. music was perfect, dancing was astonishing I have to say(I hadn't really seen a ballet performance before). My heart went out to all the ballet dancers' toes and knees. The whole concert was about 3 hours.

Happy sigh.. Thank you...

2010-11-03T14:07:00.002+08:00

Neutral

Today I am feeling more neutral.

I have asked several questions that I wanted to ask but he was actually er.. drunk

I recalled the feeling that the initial stages of the relationship. When he first told me he loved me I had a real shock. For me, at that time, it was a bit too soon to fall in love. At that time, he was so protective and calling me and wanting to know where I am and where I was. It was something that comes naturally to him.

Now, I could feel those feeling waning. I don't know if it's me, or is it him. Maybe I have loved more and hence demanded more emotional security. But I am never like that. I have never felt afraid I would be left alone.

Now, it seems that calling me has become a chore. This was what I felt yesterday, however, today morning I felt better. Things that I have asked have been forgotten as well.

Yesterday, or should I say early this morning(post call), I recalled all the things he had did for me, how much tender loving care he has given me, how he would not be afraid of showing his affection for me, even in the public. I recalled the day in Singapore where we were in the restaurant and my feet was aching from all the walking, and he'll just massage my feet. I remembered the day we first met, and I remembered how insecure we both were at the initial stage. Then I remembered again, why did I fall in love with him.

So, for now I still want to be happy with him even though I am and will always be, his 2nd priority.

I'll just pray and hope that every time he's not there when I need him, I'll be stronger and wiser.

2010-11-01T20:48:00.001+08:00

How many times can I take it?

How many stabs i need?

2010-10-30T23:44:00.003+08:00

Browse the usual stuff on fb again

I think, Lingwei, it's time to wake up

You will never be worth it

No one's gonna do that for you. So.. just wake up

How badly you need to get hurt before you will realize?

the heart has been burnt, shred and broken into pieces.

Just stand up again with the broken heart.

2010-10-30T23:39:00.002+08:00

please...

take... the pain away and let me sleep

please.. take the tears away and let me sleep

please... I don't have mental strength to remove these thought from my brain.. help me please.please

do not call..

2010-10-30T23:18:00.002+08:00

Will tonight be the night to happen?

It's the birthday after all right?

Please don't shred my heart into pieces :'(.

2010-10-30T23:07:00.002+08:00

Is it worth it?

Is a 2 hour of pure happiness worth the longing, the pain and the crying ? Tonight I am the one alone and crying at home by myself.

I wish, someone could take the pain away. I wish, someone would dry my tears.

Is it because I have been always lucky, that this time around I have to feel this way to pay back?

Maybe what I did is so wrong, and I deserve to feel this way.

2010-10-28T21:40:00.002+08:00

I am scared and having palpitations now

How could I be so stupid?

And how could anyone barge into another person's personal life and check someone else's phone?

2010-10-27T14:26:00.002+08:00

Heart over the mind or Mind over the heart

I know what I should do but I can't bring myself to do it.

I know continuing this would destroy a lot of hearts including mine but the sweetness of the current situation is just too irresistible.

I know, I shouldn't think too much. But every time my conscience kicks back, the guilt is just too strong.

Will you continue indulging in the chocolate when you know you'll be obese if you continue eating them. However the taste of it in your mouth is just so good that you don't know how is it gonna be possible cutting it out of your life.

I still want the chocolate :'(

2010-10-25T05:06:00.002+08:00

I slept crying and woke up crying.

No matter how much a person did to show you how much they love you, if at some point you are just not the number 1 person in their heart it just doesn't matter I think.

My parents have always tried putting me at their number 1. And I do appreciate that.

Why am I so in love with someone who could let me feel this way? Who could let me hurt so much?

I want to love someone, who would do anything in the world, anything at all, and everything he can to stop me from feeling this way. Have some courage to fight for me. Sigh. My head hurts.

2010-10-24T21:17:00.002+08:00

Pain

Pain, pain go away, come again another day. Pain, pain go away, come again another day.

我真的很辛苦

Q_Q

Sigh

2010-10-21T19:23:00.002+08:00

I hate it when people kept complaining

I really, really hate it when my grandma kept complaining about how blurred her vision is, how bad her headache is, how unfortunate she is.

I just wanna shake her and said, grandma! you have a good life now. Do you know how many people out there are in more pain than you are? She is on a very good treatment for her Rheumatoid Arthritis now and she just decides to skip it when she's vegetarian. Sigh. There are so many other people who needs it too. But what can I do? She's my grandma.

Sigh. I hate myself for saying that. The pain is probably so real. but the way it's being put into my face every single day really drives me crazy. And the food. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE i will be asked to take something to eat. After I have sat down comfortably in front of the TV. Even dinner. I don't have the freedom of taking what I wanna eat anymore. I have resorted to just ignoring her, because declining her every single time is just too tiring and I need to shout(she's pretty deaf now). And now, I can see the disapproving look from my grand aunt because I ignored my grandma. I couldn't understand. Why am I being commanded to take fish for my grandma? She is very able to take it herself. If you were to keep doing it for her, one day she'll forget how. I just, I can't act like I want to be a good granddaughter in front of someone. I want to be a good granddaughter to my grandma genuinely. Listen to all her stories, talk to her, take her out for a walk outside the housing compound. Now I can't even do that because of the fear that I would be shoved with food(literally) as she literally shoves the food, whatever that's within her reach. And then, she'll say things like, I have purposely kept this for you to eat.. you know. Initially I felt bad, and now.. I just feel numb.

I know right now, as you're reading through my blog, you'll think I'm a huge hypocrite. And I am who I hate. I should be grateful to be living with my grandparents. I want to be grateful. Really. Every morning, I wake up and told myself, okay I won't get angry with my grandma. And then moment I'm downstairs, I'm stressed again. It's just so hard to follow the 90/10 rule I have mentioned in my previous blog!

I hate to be someone I hate. I hate to have that feeling, why don't I just move out? It's just sometimes, all the nagging washed out all the luxuries I had, eg: free laundry, free home-cooked food, beautiful furnished room, pocket money from grandpa.

Just knock some gratefulness in my head.

2010-10-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

pessimists, optimists and opportunists

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill (in case there's someone out there who doesn't know who he was... British Orator, Author and Prime Minister during World War II. 1874-1965)

On being told he's a hopeless drunk, he's said to have retorted “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

And to Lady Nancy Astor....
she said: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
he said: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

2010-10-12T14:58:00.002+08:00

Cynthia,

Be Strong and don't cry. Everything that breaks your heart and soul will make you a stronger person. Seem to have that happening a lot lately.

2010-10-11T20:06:00.000+08:00

I Am Woman

-Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467
-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972
-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

2010-10-06T10:58:00.002+08:00

Emotionally traumatized

I was sitting at the front as usual and we are having our psychiatry portfolio presentations last Monday.

I had to present the last because my name is the last at the list. So I was just listening to the other 19 people present, checked my phone occasionally and stuff. Others were typing and doing their own portfolio.

When it was finally my turn, which was way after lunch by the way, the lecturer asked me, why are you sitting in front and presenting the last? What's your problem? I had a bit of a shock. Okay, he doesn't like me. So I had to say, well my name is last on the list and that is my usual seat. So he said, oh, why are you all so rigid?

Right. I know he's tired. But I figured it wouldn't take too long. My presentations have always been short and have NEVER been too long. Trust me.

I just presented a few lines. And he gave me a diagnosis that I have never even dreamt about. Sigh. (Definitely failed psychiatry miserably). Then he just started giving me learning issues.

I tried not to think about it and try to brush the thoughts of.

Today, me and some of my colleagues had the discussion again. And guess what, some of my colleagues were shock to hear what he said to me as well.

Looks like, I wasn't that sensitive after all :D. That made my day.

2010-10-03T21:19:00.003+08:00

Thank you..

Thank you for waking up early in the day just to text me...

Thank you for getting the biscuits for me...

Thank you for picking me up, for buying me dinner...

Thank you for the love you have showered me...

Thank you for coming into my life.

2010-10-01T01:50:00.002+08:00

Boyfriend? Secrets?

You know sometimes when you're in a relationship, you wanna know every single thing about your partner. Not that you're stalking or being possessive, I guess it's just the love that make you wanna know everything about the other part of you. As far as I know and remember, I have never kept any secrets, I have answered all questions.

Of course, I understand that other people might want to keep certain details to themselves. I guess everyone has a different issue that they would like to keep to themselves.

Sigh, but when you know blatantly that something is being kept from you.. plus there were so many other things that can be told be needs to be delayed... It just made me confused.

I guess what I've said previously holds true.. love can only be showed by actions and not words.

2010-09-30T13:36:00.002+08:00

Being a good person.

Being a good person to me is someone who does not harm anyone, does not hurt anyone else in their own expense.

Every morning as I wake up, I have a sense of heaviness and a bit of dread as I would try to quickly get downstairs to prepare my own breakfast to go to school in order to avoid my grandmother.

Why?

Because she nags. I would be asked to take this and that and that and this to school, I will be asked to do this and that, take this and that, help her to take this and that.. the list in endless, eat this and that.

I know. I should be grateful that I am staying at home with my grandparents. I don't have to pay any rent. I don't have to look for dinner.

I know. That my grandmother does not have anyone to talk to. So she tries to get me to do this and that for her.

I know. I am not supposed to be irritated. But I feel so helpless, I can't ignore her. I tried to talk to her but she can't really hear, and her hearing aid is not working properly anymore.

I know she is trying to be helpful but it had done the opposite for me. Sigh.

I know I am a bad person for being irritated.

I wish I didn't have to feel irritated. At least I could still complain to my mom and my boyfriend. My grandma does not have anyone to complain to.

I should be grateful

2010-09-29T18:42:00.001+08:00

I hate you glowing wine.

I HATE YOU!!! :'(

2010-09-29T18:24:00.000+08:00

Don't send another text. Don't send another text. Don't send another text. How come I don't know you're going to another city?

Then I do not need to actually announce that I am going to another hospital too right? Not necessary to report things anymore right?

Ok then I am going out. Whatever. Hate myself for being an idiot, drama queen and clingy bimbo. HATE MYSELF, HATE MYSELF! do something more useful with your life you stupid nerd. Stop wasting time thinking about things or people that aren't meant to be yours and spend all energy worrying about it too.

Am just glad I took my time showering and my yoga. If I were to have rushed, I would have been even more disappointed. So, girl, you are learning fast to detach yourself. Good. Avoid getting attached to people who only say but don't show.

2010-09-28T16:35:00.000+08:00

Another day...

Woke up groggily this morning remembering I have to go on the SPA interview. Have picked up what I wanna wear the night before as everyone has told to dress conservatively(not that I don't, it's just that my conservative standard has never been appropriate =.=).

Was very tired in the morning from all the crying and stuff. Anyway it started out great. Had a lovely text msg.

I registered myself, had a chit-chat with the person who registered me.. then later on, wait for my turn to go for the interview.

After a while, the lady who registered me told me I had to wear a suit, because I am supposed to wear a three piece if I wore pants. PLUS, my shirt is too skin tight apparently. =.='

Sigh, after that there was a big hu-ha, I had to borrow C's suit and everything, but at the end I did not because our interview started at the same time.

The interviewer asked me several interesting questions, some stuff about music, some stuff about school.

the only 2 questions I wasn't able to answer was who's the surgeon who operated on the first heart surgery in Malaysia. And the other, who is Idris Jalil.

Anyway, I was just being commented that I need to know how to dress properly.

It was another crying day too..

He has told me that he just wants to keep silent till saturday when he comes back.

I don't know how I kept a straight face in class. I just had to go to the toilet.

This whole string of sms actually came about because he has misunderstood me at the very initial part and I have just come to realize it now.

Anyway, words have been said and hearts have been shattered. Does being wearied by all these means that you are not being loved so much anymore?

Or is it a warning sign telling you not to love so much? Otherwise you will be in the danger of being left alone and being annoyed at.

2010-09-27T20:09:00.002+08:00

Bathroom

Just when I am about to go shower, after endless crying, the temporary maid used the bathroom. How lucky am I ?

Am I gonna cry till the headache comes? Oh it already did.

2010-09-27T19:32:00.003+08:00

OCD

I am sorry. I called. Sorry. Sorry. Don't call again. Don't call again Cynthia. Don't call again. Don't do it. Don't do it.

2010-09-27T19:12:00.000+08:00

Don't

Don't call Don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text don't call don't text

2010-09-27T17:35:00.002+08:00

STOP WAITING

Dial is either out of coverage, or unattended. Please try your call again later.

Now I actually become afraid when there's a ringtone.

I left my phone and went for shower hoping that there will be a text msg for me or a missed call.

Still nothing.

He won't call back. You know he won't. Stop making yourself so pathetic by hoping and wishing and waiting.

2010-09-27T16:57:00.003+08:00

Another Sad Day.

I hate calling a phone that is switched off.

I hate the temporary maid

I hate myself.

Today started out okay. I was feeling optimistic.. Today is a blood taking day. Am not a vampire, just taking blood for sampling from the patients and I am on duty today. It has been pretty good, learned some tricks how to get blood from difficult patients. Was in a pretty positive mood.

Went back to the ward later on to attend class. Found out my patient is still there, becoming more jaundiced and abdomen was more distended, told my lecturer about it and was informed what are the possible things to do for him. After that, I even told the houseman what I know so that I could at least do my best to help this boy. I do hope he gets well.

Lunch was ok. After that, I happily went and picked up a present I had gotten for someone, was really happy about it. It is always nice to give something. At least there's a happy part in my day today in my personal life. Of course the whole day was filled with me sending multiple text message - 13 in total. Total sms received? -5.

I am becoming a loser. I am becoming someone who's able to talk nonstop even though there's no response. I am becoming a person who is able to talk to a wall.

Oh I even forgot to mention 6 phone calls. 1 answered, but was responded by not an apology, but a description of what I like to complain about. Others, phone was turned off. Since when have I become so thick skinned?

Sometimes, I wish when I am drowning with information in class, I will not be able to think about other things. Unfortunately it did not work out that way. While I am still in class learning ECG(something that I am always unable to interpret) I kept thinking what could be going wrong. At the end, I decided to try my luck to call even though I did not receive any message still, call was answered and I was being hammered by complaining on my blog. I couldn't listen anymore hence I hanged up.

I seem to be getting the knack of crying in the car, in the room and in the toilet. I have finished 2 boxes of tissue papers just from crying.

I have become a depressed person. I have become a person who keeps waiting for someone, who isn't gonna care even if I die right this second, to call me, or to at least text me back.

Is all of this worth it? I know I have been complaining a lot.

There's a phrase. If you're fat, go on a diet. If you're unhappy with a relationship leave it.

I am fat but I am unable to go on a diet because I love food too much. I am frequently unhappy but I can't bear to leave the relationship because I love too much.

So?

I have to exercise more. I have to swallow the pain, and act happy.

Since when have I become this pathetic woman? My mind can't stop thinking about this. I have always sneered and looked down upon people who can wait endless hours for someone to call.

I have always been the one who's being called. I have always been the one who ignores calls and sms. I have always been the one who's too busy, too busy chasing her dreams, too busy worrying about students, and worrying about making a name for myself.

Now, I am the one who has to call. I am the one who is being ignored. I am the one who is waiting for someone to be less busy. My dreams are still hazy. My students are fine right now. I am not making a name for myself because I am worrying about other things.

Where is the Glowing Wine that I have known so well before? The independent glowing wine that is independent, no time for crying, no time for sensitive people? What happened to her?

2010-09-26T23:43:00.003+08:00

Knife inserted through the chest

After almost an hour of waiting. I have only receive one text msg.

I have decided that he may not have enough credit, and I have loaded my credit again just so i could call.

Guess what, phone is turned off. Already went to sleep. :O.

I know I won't be able to sleep well tonight.

My heart is becoming so fragile. I have became sensitive and was probably infected by someone else who's apparently sensitive himself.

I want to make it all better by hoping that I could erase the memory of those words he said. And just hope there's a happy ending to this day which had started out really great. That is why I purposely load the credit and tried to call again. Turns out, I was the only one who's trying.